A Psychic Approached My Girlfriend On The Street Yesterday and Told Her She’d Never Be Happy With Me
Only I can get on a spiritual high horse and unsolicitedly tell people their business!
My girlfriend and I met 3 years ago and we’re very much in love. OR SO I THOUGHT. Just kidding, we are, but as someone who tries desperately to believe in signs and divine intervention, this one got me.
Let me start by telling you about the woman I allegedly cursed and continue to feed upon – my girlfriend LJ is incredibly smart, grounded, logical, lighthearted, fun, and oh so loving. She’s a software engineer who spends her days genuinely supporting everyone around her in every way. And folding her really clean laundry perfectly even when it’s a load of white t-shirts. And singing every single Mariah Carey song all the way through because she can. All of this is to say, she’s got a good head on her shoulders and her feet on the ground, and while she has plenty of curiosity, she doesn’t have the divine drive and existentialism that keeps me up at night. So if I'm using dark magic to control her, I'm doing a terrible job because she's the most level-headed person I know.
So it’s Sunday, around 2pm, and we are walking in Soho minding our own business and enjoying the day. We walked by Free People and I wanted to pop in for a second to see if they had any of my best friend Tate’s designs there (she is a jewelry designer). LJ, being the patient and caring girlfriend, waited outside because we had our dog, Anoush. I must have been in there for five-ish minutes. And in those five-ish minutes, this random “psychic” decided to tell her that I fucking cursed her and she’d never be happy with me.
Okay, not really – but it felt that way and he vaguely implied it. Apparently, as she was standing there, he walked up to her and commented on how adorable our child (Anoush) is. Classic — he sees a lesbian with a dog and knows exactly how to hook her: ask her hyper-specific questions about the breed and her temperament.
Little did LJ know it was bait, the leadup to his comic trauma dump. According to her, after asking about Anoush’s coat, he abruptly interrupted and said “I see you. The real you.” Ew? Disrespect.
Then, “You look happy, but it’s only how you present.” Disrespect!
And, “There’s a hole in your heart that started THREE YEARS AGO…” Disrespect!!!!
“...when you MET A WOMAN.” DisresPECT!
“...who used magic to curse you.” DISRESPECT!
“...and control you.” Literally gasping for air while astral projecting into the abyss forever due to the sheer, unbridled, undeniable disrespect.
It is not like LJ to ever entertain that seriously, but she found it kinda funny. He goes on to tell her that this person is stifling her (!!!!!!! Disre–) and that she will never feel fulfilled or be successful until she cuts the energetic tie. (–spect!!!)
Obviously, he asked her to Zelle him immediately after even though she didn’t ask for any of that, to which she iconically responded, “I work in cyber security, absolutely not.” And that’s when I learned you shouldn’t Zelle people you don’t know, like, ever. I walked out shortly after and she power walked away with me and told me what happened and I was big blood-boiling mad at this grifting fucking stunad jerkoff.
Listen – I took LJ to get an egg cleanse last year! An egg cleanse! That is a surefire way to get rid of all that shit! If I was a succubus harpy, why would I try to get rid of myself? (She says, insecurely, desperately seeking validation from strangers on the internet to confirm she’s not a succubus harpy.)
At first, it was because I was worried that I accidentally did use some magic I’d never learned, the kind of magic that people train extensively and go through several initiations to even attempt, all completely unknowingly. I spiraled thinking I’m a succubus that is ruining her life, mostly because I always spiral about unwittingly being a horrible person which I will continue to unpack with my therapist. This didn’t help all that.
But it was also because I get so upset when I see people fear-mongering under the guise of something spiritual or religious. Don’t do weird shit in the name of God or whoever is out there! I have had people tell me everything from my dad was sick and didn’t know it (he wasn’t), that I wasn’t really gay (I am), and that my ex-partner at the time didn’t love me (he did), and that I would go to hell for eating an Oreo in class and not admitting it. (TBD, but I think God would understand that I was hungry and in kindergarten and Oreos are objectively delicious).
I’ll admit, I’ve been on the other side of this. Back in the day, I read people’s palms at frat parties because I thought I was offering some kind of deep service, and I followed the examples I was shown. But I did it for free because I was probably subconsciously desperate for connection and would settle for a false sense of intimacy classy. I recently ran into an old friend who reminded me I’d told her she’d have two marriages (she had two marriage lines on her pinky). Now she’s getting married for the first time and still spiraling about it. I felt so bad — what was I thinking? I hate that I did that. So yeah, even with the best of intentions, fear-mongering is messed up.
Fear-mongering works to get some kind of reaction. Look at every news headline ever. Or most astrology pages. Or the person with a megaphone telling me to repent, or the psychic telling my girlfriend I’m Lilith incarnate. It’s not just one path – it’s everywhere. And I’m 100% over it. I don’t want to dish it nor have it anywhere around me. I rebuke it in the name of the Lord and I am etherically smoke-cleansing it away from me.
Luckily for me, LJ is an incredible guide to lighten up and also not buy into OPP (other people’s perceptions) and just thought it was funny. After the 75th question unpacking his specific tone, inflection, word choice, etc. in response to what was supposed to be her funny anecdote, she told me to chill and reassured the hell out of me (swoon).
“Ani, I love you, you’re incredible, and respectfully it might not even be about you even if it was true.” I was about to get wildly offended at the thought of another woman being her succubus instead of me, but then she gently patted my ass and it hit me.
I power walked to the next store window and to catch a glimpse of my perfect, incredible ass. I realized I don’t need magic to lure in my partner and make her fall for me when I have this dump truck, and maybe the real magic was the ass I carried along the way. Just kidding.
Moral of the story, if you experience fear-mongering look at your ass and whole beautiful self. You are iconic, you are powerful, and we are all trying our best, even the ones fear-mongering. That said, thou shalt not let anybody tell thee thy business or vice versa!
I don’t care if you’re psychic or just the “brutally honest” type that loves to yap with the best of them, learn from me and my new psychic friend — no unsolicited readings, whether it’s psychic readings or reading someone for filth. You don’t need to take it on and not everything has a deeper meaning. Humans are meaning-making machines, and depending if you drank too much coffee or didn’t sleep well, your creative mind can come up with all kinds of meanings and stories completely dependent on your mood. We’re not reliable narrators. People are people and they mean well, most of the time, but their jump scare of a “channeled message” says more about them than it does you.
Do not listen to ANYONE claiming to know your path better than you, or who gives you definite information about your life or future. When I say you are powerful, I don’t mean in the you-can-manifest-anything kinda way, or the on-brand-platitudes-as-memes-for-Instagram way. I mean you may not always control outcomes, but you can choose your next move and how you show up to it. So respond by ass-gazing in the mirror and knowing the power of potential.
As astrologer Caroline Casey says, prediction makes us passive. If someone tells you that your relationship is destined for failure when you were in a vulnerable place, it is not great motivation to show up to it. Don’t let passivity dictate your fate. We can’t control everything, which is good because that would be boring and then I’d probably have nothing to write about. But we can choose what to pour our hearts into and how.
Anyway, like I always say, entertain the possibility of everything, but believe nothing. It helps ya flirt with life and digest all the weird things that happen in it without getting too attached. So maybe I am one of those creepy sirens (the hot ones, not the terrifying ones) and I cursed my girlfriend and used magic to lure her in before consuming her on every level. Well, since being with me, she’s gotten three promotions and has gotten even hotter and more powerful. I’m not taking credit for those things, but if that’s being cursed then sign me up. And she gets to fall asleep holding my cosmic ass, and touch it whenever she wants. So do with that what thy will.
Also, if I am not the hot succubus siren harpy…. then who is it ….*caws like a harpy into the void*
To be continued, I suppose.
Dat ass though! 🥵
The way I genuinely pissed myself laughing throughout this whole thing and then genuinely felt shook by your takeaway *chef’s kiss