Co-Parenting Is One Of The Hardest Things I've Ever Done

I am a cycle breaker and my co-parent is not. I would prefer to do things my way, but want a united front for our son. Other parents: What do you do when you know you're right?

Dear Readers,

I have never written those two words together in all my decades of writing to you, so I thought I would try it out. It feels less cold if I emphasize the “Dear” part, but calling you “readers” still feels odd. A N Y W A Y

Guess what I did last night?

It did not involve top secret escapades with my bevy(pretty word) of A-list friends (though we all know I do have them).

It did not involve a fabulous, exclusive, glamorous event. (I am saving that for tomorrow night when I go to the old Condé Nast cafeteria with a bunch of current and former Condé Editor-In-Chiefs to celebrate Michael Grynbaum’s exciting new book, Empire Of The Elite. I will tell you any gossip that I gather or try to start there.)

But no, here's what I did last night: I DM’d with 17 of you about weird non-topics. These conversations weren’t something I was planning when we came up with our brilliant paid subscriber offerings package, but they started happening, so I want to share this incredible opportunity with all of you now:

If you become a paid subscriber (even for one month or whatever), you can DM me through Substack and I get the alert and write you back within seconds.

Swear to god - try it when you are at a boring family dinner and just want someone to talk to or when you want me to quickly give you a good job recommendation or writing advice or are questioning which brand of Akkermansia to take for your bowels (I found one that’s better than Pendulum!) - but not when you are stranded by the side of the road with a flat tire. I can’t help with that. [But maybe Ben can! -Corynne]

Bear in mind that if talking with me is the least appealing idea to you and you're just here at AJPT for certain writers or regular columns or whatever, you are not required to ever be in touch with me either.

Now on to Meeka Meeka Meeka. I can't say enough good about Meeka, who I met here a couple of months ago when I was chatty as usual in the comments. I'm particularly interested in talking more with you about what she's written about today. Having lived a few different versions of coparenting (first with a partner and then with an ex) and then mostly single parenting, clearly there are difficulties and wonders to all of these scenarios, including the interesting dilemmas that Meeka raises. But it’s especially fun to talk about them in a place where I get to say things like, “I think being a single mom is better —for everyone involved—than dealing with a partner, and certainly way easier than being married period!”

So let's be blunt about all of our parenting opinions and experiences in the comments now. Or DM me at 3:15 AM, or show up at my front door one day, or meet me for tea, or whatever way you like to do it.

I love you in all the formats.

-Jane

By Maliyka A. "Meeka" Muhammad

Let's talk about co-parenting. I used to be one of those girls who loved the whole marriage, baby, carriage fantasy. That little rhyme was cute when we were playing in the schoolyard. But nobody ever talks about what happens after the baby is in the carriage. Nobody tells you how complicated it gets when two people from entirely different worlds, religions, cultures, traumas, lifestyles, and experiences are suddenly expected to raise a whole human together.

Take me for example. I am BAM (Born and Raised Muslim) and still Muslim. My son's father is Christian. I lean more towards Malcolm X. He leans more towards Dr. King before he got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Our core values don't always align, and neither do our ways of navigating the world.

“My son is an expert in sensing which parent is the weaker link and knows whom to ask for a ‘yes.’

And while I've done a lot of inner work to unlearn specific patterns (still doing it) and confront past trauma, I realize that some people may not acknowledge or feel that they have experienced trauma and may not be open to exploring it.

7/16/17 - First birthday celebration with those hard-bottom shoes on to match his outfit.

Raising a child can be both beautiful and chaotic. And me? I'm in that stage of life where I'm fully aware of the things I went through as a child that I don't want my son to experience.

People love to say we turned out fine. And by people, I mean elders, aunties, sometimes even my co-parent, and occasionally that one family member who swears trauma builds character like it's a rite of passage. And, sure, I turned out all right. I got some degrees, a home, and a job (even if I was ready to leave it yesterday). The government says I'm not broke, but some days, I look at my account and wonder if we're using the exact definition of "not broke." But that's neither here nor there. What is here is this: once you know better, you have to do better.

Co-parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever done. As a single parent, we share parenting responsibilities. If two people create a child, then they are co-parenting that child. One plus one equals two. This means that two people are responsible, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and in every other way, for raising that child.

The advice to married households with children present is often, "to present a united front.” But doing that takes cooperative parenting.