Extra Safe Space #54: Holiday Smiling Issues
Extra Safe Space is a place for things you’ve never told anyone before. These will always be kept completely anonymous. To tell your secret, fill out this form (it doesn’t ask for or record any identifying info). That is the only criterion. Or read other people’s here as they come in.
Holidays make me anxious and depressed. All holidays. The worst are New Years Eve and Halloween because they are supposed to be full of unbridled fun and revelry and therefore remind me that I don’t seem to have the capacity to feel those things. On Halloween this year, I could tell by the way my friends looked at me that they saw through my fake smile at their party. I’m not even acting well. Where do I start? And do I do that thing of smiling so I produce feelings of happiness or do I just show my true feelings? Do I drink to numb it or try not to?
To add to all of this, back in September I started sleeping with someone who has another partner that they are committed to. I smile through that too.
I want to help with the range of issues you're dealing with here. I also asked if other people in the Substack community could share any wisdom they have also. I will say that the idea of smiling to make yourself feel happier has not worked for me, but that's probably because I (and it sounds like maybe you) have a hard time producing a genuine smile when I am not feeling it. I went through a really tough time years back where for months I thought that everyone around me, including strangers, was really deeply depressed and then I realized that it was because they were mirroring the expression on my face - when I thought I was smiling and appearing fine. It helps me more to be open and honest about -and to let my expressions be in sync with - what I'm feeling. And I'm glad you started by sharing it here. Thank you and I'm sending you love.
Holidays can be so rough, especially when we believe we need to behave and feel a particular way, or that we’re not doing it “right.” Instead of pretending happiness and calm when you’re feeling distressed, depressed, and anxious, I suggest that neutrality would be the next best step. What would make you feel not-so-awful? Do that. Just little things, one at a time. There’s no need to be filled with the spirit of revelry just because it’s the holidays. And neutrality is not the same as numbing. Once you feel comfortable in the place of neutrality, when the time is right for you, you can examine your numbing behavior and the reasons behind it (with an excellent therapist) and/or take the next steps towards happiness.