Rate Beauty Editor Candidate #3 As She Tests Weird Tooth-Whitening Tricks — So That You Never Have To Put Yourself Through The Horrid Ones
Behold Beauty Editor Contestant #3, who has never written professionally before, yet tests out 6 weird tooth-whitening methods. You can reward her pain and effort by voting for her in the comments!
Hello fresh people!
Remember the other day when I asked you whether I should publish something thoughtful and quiet or something funny and rambunctious? You thoughtfully went with thoughtful and thank you for that guidance. Today’s piece is what I was calling the funny one and let’s now see if you agree or if you think my assessment is off. With most things Editorial, I see them the way readers do (which is helpful criteria when you want to give your audience stuff that they like) but in certain areas, like choosing models for example, my judgment of what I think is universally appealing and will sell or get clicks is usually not in sync at all.
This has been going on since we were looking for a model for our very first cover of Sassy magazine and I kept making the poor Art Directors photograph more and more people I would find who I thought were perfect. Starting then, I've been able to get credit for expanding the standards of beauty when what I am simultaneously doing is simply choosing the face or look that I like the most. I'm happy it serves a higher purpose.
Rambling on about my apparently-unconventional sense of beauty, the obliteration of the wrinkle is one of the saddest beauty occurrences of the last few decades in my opinion. I love a wrinkled face. I used to say Jane Goodall was my model for gorgeous aging, but now it seems weird to use her for that since she's dead, so I'll come up with other good examples. But I love a line or many on a female in particular. Anyone else?
Back to business: As most notably demonstrated by my Beauty Editor at XOJane, Cat Marnell, I also like unconventional beauty writing. And I love beauty writing that makes me laugh. And think. And then also corrects any appearance-related issues I am dealing with using stuff I already have at home that takes under three minutes and has only one step.
I like a Beauty Writer – or any writer… or any person – with a backstory. Without comparing two writers, which I wouldn’t, the idea of a story that has beauty advice in it but also has so much more reminds me of a pitch that sold me on Cat when she was applying with me for that Beauty Editor role, titled something like “I Went To A Mental Institution And Left With Better Hair.” That’s where I learned about Davines products and I still use them to this day. And I love Cat Marnell and her writing to this day too. So fitting a ton of these same criteria is Beauty Editor candidate number three, who DMed me when I put out the call asking for AJPT Beauty Editor applicants to submit their stories for all of you to read along with me and then decide together who make the best fits.
Here are excerpts from Shawna's note to me:
“I’ve been a psychic, a psychotherapist, a callgirl and a door to door salesperson but most recently have done fuck all except a bit of free verse poetry and the odd overcaffeinated tirade on Google reviews….
“I’ve never written ‘professionally’ ever before, about anything. [This was after I asked if she had written about beauty before and this answer was already a win in my book, as I’ve never edited anything about anything professionally either! -Jane] I’ve got a graduate degree in creative writing but, much like my psychotherapy degree, I seem to have a penchant for getting expensive degrees and then screwing myself after….
“I’m a wilted 37 year old with three rabid chihuahuas and two feral children, so perhaps I could be a candidate for the beauty editor role? If you are interested…”
SAY LESS! I could ask for nothing more in a job application – past incarceration is also a plus, fyi for anyone thinking of submitting their résumé. So here goes!
I really look forward to seeing your reactions to Shawna’s story in the comments and I want to hear about your own taste in teeth - maybe some of you prefer a yellow tooth? I'll be there with you talking about my own teeth-whitening escapades, including the one thing I did to absolutely destroy my teeth that I never want any of you to do. I know I sound like one of those Instagram ads with a really gruesome picture of mangled teeth saying, Don't Do This At Home or something. But it's true and it is a common practice and something you are probably doing right now. I had never heard anywhere that it can destroy your teeth until it destroyed mine and my dentist then confirmed that it is a big no no. If that isn't enough enticement to get into the comments… well I hope it is is my point. Let's all meet up there! (I’ve activated the free trial for those of you who want to talk but not pay, which is fine too.)
I love you!
–Jane
By Shawna Willow
Well folks, here I am- in all of my yellow-toothed glory - introducing myself as (one of) the new beauty editor(s)! I cannot wait to be AJPT’s little guinea pig and subject myself to all sorts of weird shit in the name of a bon mot/Western narcissism/Jane reverence. I’m definitely nowhere near a professional writer, but I really want to be one when I grow up. So let’s buckle in and I’ll tell you a tale of teeth, tannins, and, of course, corporate trickery…
You see, like most humans, I’ve struggled on and off with feeling hideous (in between bouts of substance fueled grandiosity, but more on that in a future article) for most of my post-pubescent life.
In between bong hits and high school classes, I would daydream about all the clothes that I would buy and all of the men that I would control once I got a boob job and found my way to the tantalizingly louche glimmer of any big city. After all, it was the early 2000s and I was slithering out of a teal green Cavalier to smoke Craven A menthols and swig Alberta Pure vodka out of the bottle. My main role model was Catherine Tramell.
Spoiler: I was too broke/squeamish/drunk to figure out the boob job, and the men all turned out to be shit, but I did finally get some therapy. Also, please forgive me in advance for my Canadian-isms [Which I love, as you know, and would never consider changing an AJPT writer’s “ou” to our much less nuanced American “o”. -Jane]. I’m already under three feet of snow up here.
Now, before we proceed any further, you must know that I did spend ten years in the early aughts as that kind of insufferable white vegan, with a couple o’ wet and wild home births under my belt to prove it, but I eat microwave dinners now and am definitely not above science/chemicals/pain when it comes to attaining my beauty goals. Hell, Botox, takeout and Prozac have been the pillars of my thirties.
All this to say- I’ve got some serious beauty needs and only slightly more than zero time/budget to address them. Also, my toddler doesn’t sleep. This means I’m tired, wired, and not above a quick (or semi-toxic) fix.
So, with all of these microwave burritos and breastfeeding sunrises, you can imagine I’ve got a pile-up of “beauty tweaks” that have amassed of late. From my increasingly grey-toned skin, to my historically anticlimactic eyebrows, to the god forsaken baby weight- my body is a temple whose sullied floors are begging to be scrubbed by the next busload of wide-eyed devotees. Pardon the overworked metaphor. Again, I don’t sleep.
Since I’m lazy, I know that I can’t start with the baby weight or anything that requires real physical effort on my part. I just moved to the suburbs and keep walking by a sign for a local dentist that reads, in yellow neon, NICE TEETH ARE ALWAYS IN STYLE. Clutching my insulated thermos, I muttered some obscenity under my breath. I’m already out walking with a stroller through 5 foot snowbanks- do I really need to be gaslit by sign? I think back to a recent trip to LA, where I encountered the most gleaming teeth I have ever seen riding around on an Adonis offering free samples at the Erewhon in Beverly Hills. I yelled “YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL TEETH” and nearly dropped my $28 cantaloupe.
Hailing from a long line of French Canadian/ Irish-English drinkers and smokers, I was relieved to emerge from my bong-heavy youth with a fairly healthy set Tof somewhat white teeth intact. After ditching the booze six years ago and deciding that, instead, self-care would now consist of having a fourth (or fifth) coffee at any given moment, things have changed. I curdle at “the napkin test” and am frequently met with cries of “YOUR TEETH ARE SOOOOOOO… YELLOW!” from my tween daughter. More presciently, I’ve also been watching way too much of the saccharine toddler influencer Ms. Rachel lately and noticing myself bristle at her “not camera ready” teeth. (Sorry Ms. Rachel, I love you. I need you.) So, if you too turn to tooth staining tannins in lieu of legitimate self-care and similarly struggle when faced with the experience of a selfie. I tried some stuff and I hope that my outcomes will help you avoid wasting your money on shit that will keep your teeth looking like the colour of my white peacoat after I discovered the three chihuahuas had been pissing on it for months.
Without further ado, here is a no-nonsense (and no sleep!) guide to holiday teeth whitening:
BAKING SODA + HYDROGEN PEROXIDE- 3/5
I started with the cheapest method that Google would advise. Baking soda is already my go-to facial exfoliant and in-a-pinch hair clarifier. As the internet instructs, I made a thick paste of watered down peroxide and baking soda to let sit on my teeth for a few minutes. I put on some Sublime and geared up the electric toothbrush for some extra oomph. The taste is awful but, after leaving the dish on my counter and repeating this a few times, my teeth definitely felt…cleaner and, dare I say, whiter-ish? It could be my eye-floaters, but I’m still going to work this one into my nonexistent beauty routine.
2) HISMILE V34 COLOUR CORRECTOR- 2/5
This trendy purple goo is apparently supposed to work in the same way that purple hair toner helps my blonde look less 1992 Pamela Andersen. Since yellow is opposite purple on the colour wheel and blah blah blah. I followed the instructions to great precision but, in the end, I didn’t feel that the texture was thick enough to really sit on the teeth (unlike the FREE baking soda/peroxide paste!). I really wanted this to work because purple is my favourite colour and it felt like the most whimsical method, but I really didn’t see any real effects after multiple uses. It’s in my daughter’s bathroom now. Tik Tok lies.
