I’m Going Through The Weirdest, Hardest Breakup Of My Entire Life
I’m questioning who I thought I was and my belief in everything.
There I was, on all fours in my shower. My long black hair was over my face and my head on my knees, looking like the girl from “The Grudge” if she was petrified and doing a weird sharp inhale thing that wasn’t quite crying but wasn’t not crying either.
I just lost the most beautiful relationship ever. While yes, I felt ignored when I would get angry or there was tension. I felt like they took a sick pleasure in my discomfort because they would say it was for my good and they were making me stronger. Everyone would assure me that I was so loved and they were so good, and that I needed to just stop doubting them and open my eyes.
But they would help me understand the world, the order of things, the people around me. I was a better person when I was with them… maybe. Or at least more pleasurable to be around.
I found myself looking into any little sign or action as confirmation of their love, presence, and support. I worked with different coaches, guides, and therapists to try to connect with them. But then I just got… tired. Exhausted. I loved them, but I’m so over chasing them and trying to figure them out. And it hit me that our relationship was done, that it had been done, on a random day while I was washing my hair. Cue the Grudge Girl having a panic attack in the shower.
I’m talking about God. Yeah, roll your eyes or click out now because I know what I just did to you. But really, if this was about a tangible person, would you have the same reaction? Why are we cool with having this kind of relationship with God but if it was a human, you would be calling the feds or something? Is this a wicked super big deal to anyone else who isn’t traditionally spiritual or religious?
Here’s the thing: whether you believe in God or not, whether you know it or not, our culture was shaped by this figure in almost every way. Good/Bad, Right/Wrong, Punishment/Reward. Treat others the way you wanna be treated. Blessed are the meek. Be honest and things will work out. There’s a reason why shit happens. You’re here for a bigger purpose. It wasn’t until I questioned this that I realized these ideals trickle down to even the tiniest, most mundane interpersonal situations. And it’s not true, like, a lot of the time.
Literally everyone has been influenced in some way by some concept of God in our culture. No, I never had that Christian Girl Autumn vibe writing in big bubble letters and wearing those flat hats (go off though, for real), but I grew up Armenian Apostolic and Roman Catholic. Just based on the rituals and the cultures alone, you know I was bound to have a dramatic relationship with God. And everything else in life. I was also exposed to new age concepts, spirituality, and different religions growing up with my hippie and curious mom. She would do everything from forbid me from getting piercings due to the effects it would have on my aura to letting me miss my math quiz to get an energy healing from a Peruvian Shaman.
Just like with everything humanity touches, there is beauty and busted things about all of the religious/spiritual paths I’ve traveled, but it’s not like I was totally scarred by any of it and that’s why this is happening.
Okay, I’m not that normal either. I was a priestess. I am a priestess. Which makes this even more shitty because I loved that work. I devoted my whole adult life to studying how to connect to God, mostly because God scared the hell outta me when I was a kid, and new age spirituality was terrifying for someone with OCD because if what I thought ever materialized, well, that would literally be my worst nightmare. I studied religions and did a million kinds of mystical modalities. I went to astrology college and meditated solo on mountains to try and feel God. And I did. But never in a way I expected.
The closest thing to God I ever felt was sitting around the dinner table eating dumplings with my friends. Or listening to Deftones and making out with someone. Or meeting someone randomly and having a conversation with them that changes everything. So priestessing to me was about finding the magic in the mundane, in service to life itself and to humanity. And I started this really unique, cool relationship with God. I pictured God to have the most wicked sense of humor, and be like a really cool old lady who had flames in her eyeballs and a really raspy laugh who would make me soup and push me off a metaphoric mountain or something.
But for whatever reason, I just stopped buying it. I wish there was a juicier story here or like a peak moment. I just learned that suffering doesn’t always mean you’re going to get rewarded. And that things don’t always happen for a reason, sometimes shitty things happen because people are being human and that’s sometimes shitty. I learned that you can do everything “right” and still get the short end of the stick, and most of the time the most successful people in life (or the happiest) are actually the fucking worst. Life (God) isn’t fair. I can’t justify a lot of the shit I see that humanity has done, and I can’t reckon with the fact that an all good and all powerful god would show up the way I’ve been told.
It’s not entitlement, even though I probably am the biggest cosmic brat for demanding answers. I’m just sick and tired of platitudes and justifications for things that should NEVER be justified. I feel like a desperate anxiously attached girlfriend begging her avoidant partner to show up. (yes, I just gave God an attachment style).
And we wonder why we’re all like…. Doing this *gestures vaguely to the state of things*.
I guess I’m like… nihilistic? But not in the some-guy-in-Bushwick who tries really hard to be monotone and loves Quentin Tarantino like that’s a unique personality trait kinda way. And not in the some-old-guy-with-a-really-long last name who uses too many big words and has no fun kinda way. I have a really narrow view of nihilism and lack of faith. But I cannot stomach people who have no passion, and in my ignorant understanding of nihilism, all I think about is someone who is so blah about everything.
But I haven’t ever seen anyone talk about this: I really REALLLLLYYY wanna believe in God or something bigger so bad. I’m open. I’m just not buying the way it’s been sold.
I miss who I was when I had faith. I miss feeling faith. I loved this part of me – the one who believed and felt that kinda cosmic love. I’m scared I’m gonna start liking Tarantino and have a dry, deadpan, really poor excuse for a sarcastic remark to literally anything anyone says!
If you do believe in God – I really want to know why and how, but only if you’ve gone through this.
I’m scared I’m doing the thing I did when I was in an abusive relationship: stayed in for far too long because I could make every action they did into something beautiful or justified.
If I’m gonna be in this thing, it’s gotta be real again. I wish that therapist who's always doing that thing with her eyebrows from that couples therapy show could jump in here. But in the meantime, I will be trying different things from this space and meeting up with God/Faith for coffee to “get closure” or “just talk.”
I want to revisit the things that have brought me so much faith from this space and see if something changes.
So, I am now assuming the title of the reluctant mystic. My new motto is Entertain the Possibility of Everything, Believe Nothing. I got that from my astrology teacher, who got it from somewhere else, but I can’t find it anywhere.
Any suggestions on where to start?
Can anyone else relate to being in a situationship with God or am I being a blasphemer or whatever?
What an opening line!
I was once in that space you are talking about for so many years. My faith always felt performative and not my own (I am a Christian for more context) . Until God met me at my lowest (it was similar to your bathroom situation). This scripture in the Bible Jeremiah 29:10 made me understand and internalize that he will never leave me nor forsake me (another scripture hahaha). As I began my walk with Christ again, I understood that you don’t need to be this perfect religious person to even have a conversation with him in prayer. He encourages us to come to him as we are!! Broken, hurt, unsure, confused and by his spirit, we are gradually transformed Glory. There is absolutely nothing that can separate us from his love for us. So we can come to him just as we are! My advice would be to firstly talk to God about all this and ask him to provide you with clarity and his peace 🌸💗