Oh Jane. My heart lives in all of this. I have 3 daughters, the youngest is 21. As you get older and have to stop helicoptering you need to see your kids move towards healthy people. I’ve definitely needed to see my girls learn that they are a few other people that can absolutely count on. I won’t always be here, that’s just reality, and I need to know after I’m long gone that they know how to seek out healthy people that are good for them. They also need to see for themselves that good people exist you just have to look a bit harder to find them. As for Sassy, it was exactly what we needed all those years ago. We’ve marinaded for a few decades and have grown into real adults that see things a bit differently.
I think caring for and loving someone and being loved and cared for in return is perhaps the most beautiful, human experience. I don't think a mom could not be happy for their child to find that. It seems so simple!
This is so beautiful and true. What's weird is that the beauty of that simple formula is lost on me because I don't have that yearning for it myself. But there's still time. Who knows?
I think, for her or you or anyone else, there’s a huge difference between feeling like you NEED a partner to get by emotionally or financially or any other way, vs. knowing you can fend for yourself/live independently but want (or don’t want, or vacillate between the two at different times) to be with someone. We will probably all need help and care at some point, whether from a romantic partner, family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, aides, social workers, etc. Those are all different but I think it’s actually brave and powerful to be able to ask for help from people you trust and don’t think it’s at all antithetical to feminist values.
I think sometimes we still get caught up in the label and the label makes us feel guilty. You are happy b/c your daughter has loving, supportive people in her life. That is 100% a win for both of you.
Just think of their relationship as an extension of her community. I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you should reframe it. All humans need community, and it’s a godsend when we are able to build it - regardless of scale.
What a GREAT way of framing it. No one has ever described it to me that way and that's beautiful and you know what? When I think of it that way, I could almost even imagine it for myself. Yay for community and for you for raising this idea.
Sassy and Jane lover here: I find that assuming the heterosexual relationship your daughter chose and is (potentially, hopefully, ask her about it) enjoying is somehow anti-liberal to be the problem. It feeds into the “blue-haired lesbian” tropes that I keep hearing. You’re relieved that she’s happy and has someone who looks out for her best interest! That is so loving and awesome.
Thank you (and she's here right now and I have asked her about it ad nauseum and continue to – she says she is good!). I really appreciate this feedback. It's making me realize that the issue for me is more the idea that a daughter is better off with someone to take care of her than on her own.
I have those same feelings about my 17yo son! I am definitely not a MAGA-type, but I have had many long conversations about choosing the right partner in life (male or female or etc) because I know now as an adult how valuable a partner can be.
Being open to all sorts of ways of being a human, being in relationship, etc includes being happy for your daughter for finding love in whatever form that takes. It makes me really uncomfortable when people try to impose some ideology on their kids. You NOT doing that is totally consistent with the values your past work reflects. <3
Thank you, Jane! You are exactly right and it helps to hear it. I am also concerned about the message of it being helpful to have someone to take care of you, rather than relying completely on yourself.
Oh Jane. My heart lives in all of this. I have 3 daughters, the youngest is 21. As you get older and have to stop helicoptering you need to see your kids move towards healthy people. I’ve definitely needed to see my girls learn that they are a few other people that can absolutely count on. I won’t always be here, that’s just reality, and I need to know after I’m long gone that they know how to seek out healthy people that are good for them. They also need to see for themselves that good people exist you just have to look a bit harder to find them. As for Sassy, it was exactly what we needed all those years ago. We’ve marinaded for a few decades and have grown into real adults that see things a bit differently.
Well said Cate, well said.
I know you know.
This makes me teary eyed and it's so true and well said. Thank you!
I think caring for and loving someone and being loved and cared for in return is perhaps the most beautiful, human experience. I don't think a mom could not be happy for their child to find that. It seems so simple!
This is so beautiful and true. What's weird is that the beauty of that simple formula is lost on me because I don't have that yearning for it myself. But there's still time. Who knows?
It's different - but you do have it, with how you love and care for her.
Wow and you are absolutely right. I do.
Adopt me!
I think, for her or you or anyone else, there’s a huge difference between feeling like you NEED a partner to get by emotionally or financially or any other way, vs. knowing you can fend for yourself/live independently but want (or don’t want, or vacillate between the two at different times) to be with someone. We will probably all need help and care at some point, whether from a romantic partner, family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, aides, social workers, etc. Those are all different but I think it’s actually brave and powerful to be able to ask for help from people you trust and don’t think it’s at all antithetical to feminist values.
I think sometimes we still get caught up in the label and the label makes us feel guilty. You are happy b/c your daughter has loving, supportive people in her life. That is 100% a win for both of you.
Just think of their relationship as an extension of her community. I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you should reframe it. All humans need community, and it’s a godsend when we are able to build it - regardless of scale.
What a GREAT way of framing it. No one has ever described it to me that way and that's beautiful and you know what? When I think of it that way, I could almost even imagine it for myself. Yay for community and for you for raising this idea.
Sassy and Jane lover here: I find that assuming the heterosexual relationship your daughter chose and is (potentially, hopefully, ask her about it) enjoying is somehow anti-liberal to be the problem. It feeds into the “blue-haired lesbian” tropes that I keep hearing. You’re relieved that she’s happy and has someone who looks out for her best interest! That is so loving and awesome.
Thank you (and she's here right now and I have asked her about it ad nauseum and continue to – she says she is good!). I really appreciate this feedback. It's making me realize that the issue for me is more the idea that a daughter is better off with someone to take care of her than on her own.
I have those same feelings about my 17yo son! I am definitely not a MAGA-type, but I have had many long conversations about choosing the right partner in life (male or female or etc) because I know now as an adult how valuable a partner can be.
Now if you could teach me the value of having a partner. I really think it would be interesting to experience that at some point in my long life.
Being open to all sorts of ways of being a human, being in relationship, etc includes being happy for your daughter for finding love in whatever form that takes. It makes me really uncomfortable when people try to impose some ideology on their kids. You NOT doing that is totally consistent with the values your past work reflects. <3
Thank you, Jane! You are exactly right and it helps to hear it. I am also concerned about the message of it being helpful to have someone to take care of you, rather than relying completely on yourself.
Haha, done Tranimal! That will help with my empty nest syndrome also. It's a deal.