I find this so unethical! I agree that partners should be informed and even consent to this … if done with trust and care I would think it can create closeness. Otherwise it feels like manipulation.
This comment is absolutely fascinating to me. I would never have even thought of it from that perspective. Which may say something about why you have been in a long-term solid monogamous relationship and I have not. Hmmmm
Our creep meters? Mine is WAY past warranty. I avoid getting a new one by just ...avoiding dating. My last straw was a couple months ago. The aforementioned tattoo artist had tried for a year to set me up with a good friend of hers. A professional cartoonist...a highly accomplished one! I finally relented. He suggested dinner on the night I had planned to see a documentary at a cultural arts center in my town. I asked if he would like to join me. He did and I found him to be cordial, intelligent, and confident. We conversed with ease. He really liked the center and after the documentary ( about the controversial Amazon union) I introduced him to the director, several patrons, etc. I mentioned I was involved in the open mic there as a featured poet a couple times, etc. He and I went outside and talked for a while and I thought we MIGHT be hitting it off. Nope. He said; " okay well...get home safe" , then got in his car and that was that. Never heard from him again. This is not to say he was a creep, but it confirmed that this is why I don't date. People tell me I'm ridiculous, that 59 isn't too old, etc. I just dont feel like going through that "let down" feeling again.
Haha no it was not a toy. I didn't know if you would take this as well as the 4-year-old so I intentionally held back but since you asked, it was an iced tea bottle. I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Jane: On one of the first couple dates I went on with my wife (I don't remember which, or how we got there), I suggested that I could bounce a dinner roll off her forehead at the (slightly) nice restaurant we were at. She said something like "You wouldn't!" And then a dinner roll bounced off her forehead.
I have 1000% climbed up a wall to look at something on the other side, to the horror of my wife and children. I have called out to a random person to ask them a question that someone was wondering. I am that person for sure.
Judith: Several phrases in this article need to be framed and put up on the wall, including, but not limited to:
"Then I started getting old. And kept doing it, which way beats the alternative."
"In 2022, the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory sustained a nuclear fusion reaction for one-billionth of a second. Which is about as long as I can sustain a conversation with Mr. Scared D. Pants."
"We don't get to keep this body forever, no matter how much we love it and no matter how strong we get and no matter how good it looks or feels. "
Derek, Thank you most of all for the appreciation of those brilliant and beautiful lines from Judith. I could not agree more. She amazes me with how prolific she is while also being so deep and wise and unique with every line. It's incredible.
And thanks for getting me! I am also always the one to shout out the question or observation that I know someone else is thinking and isn't saying. I consider it a public service! I don't mind looking like the fool for the greater good and I'm so glad you are the same. Fools Unite!
We recently did a Buzzfeed quiz at work for "Which Jolly Rancher flavor are you?" (Look, it was Friday).
I was Blue Raspberry, which included "You aren't afraid to stand out or do something others might find embarrassing." And yeah. More so because I have no shame and very little capacity for embarrassment, but end result is the same.
If my Grandpa ever heard someone complain about a birthday or aging, he'd say, "it beats the alternative". I think about that every time I see a new wrinkle or feel a new ache. It most certainly beats the alternative! I have never heard anyone else say it!
My Grandpa was quite the guy - if someone asked how he was doing, he'd reply "still buying green bananas." Instead of going for a nap, he was "pressing his shirt". He had a ton of great sayings!
In don’t know where Judith has been all my life, but now that she is here I will worship at the alter of her impeccable prose. I also plan on working her Lawrence Livermore nuclear fusion line into a conversation as soon as humanly possible. Thanks, Jane and Judith!
Judith, several things: I can’t believe you’ve never seen a sex toy, so wholesome and delightful. Thank you for pulling the wool from my eyes and exposing the fat loss from the undercarriage of my feet. Those scoundrels, now I know what they’ve been up to with their bellyaching. Finally the idea of a bra company called 32 Long, or alternatively a band name - I guffawed in a most unladylike and satisfying way.
I hope that's not true, about sex toys you can fill with someone's cremains. While I'm considering a locket with a few ashes, that idea of a cremains filled dildo is just to...necrophiliacy? Is that a word? It is now. Viagra, btw, just pisses me off.
I'm loving hearing these responses to Viagra because as far as I know, I've never been with someone who used it. And I've never had an opinion on it. I took it myself once experimentally (for journalistic purposes – my excuse for everything) but do you dislike Viagra because it's all about his pleasure and doesn't work well for what women prefer – like the Cialis that Judith refers to? I want to understand more about it.
“Women tell stories of love the way men may describe skeet shooting or fly fishing. I imagine a more perfect world.”
Fave line. I like this writing style . Not sure how to describe it. I hope someone more eloquent does for me. It’s too humid where I am to think straight.
I love your line about the humidity. And I get that. Judith’s writing is so so special and one of a kind. No one's brain works like hers and then her ability to capture those unique thoughts in those perfect words and beautiful phrases the way she does - well, clearly, I don't know how to describe it either. But I love it too.
I share initials with your daughter so can scratch away and blame someone else whilst copping it for someone else’s scratches. Seems a fair swap…
This is one of the funniest most heartwarming piece of writing I’ve read in some time, as lovingly folksy as Harper Lee or Garisson Keillor and with as many memorable phrases.
I love that too and thank you so much for the comment. I sincerely feel like every time I read this piece. I find at least one new thing in it to love. So it's great when you guys point them out too, and I can go back and look!
I find this so unethical! I agree that partners should be informed and even consent to this … if done with trust and care I would think it can create closeness. Otherwise it feels like manipulation.
This comment is absolutely fascinating to me. I would never have even thought of it from that perspective. Which may say something about why you have been in a long-term solid monogamous relationship and I have not. Hmmmm
😆😆 it just feels creepy to me!
As it probably should to me also, but we all know about my creepy history so my creep Meter is probably way off.
Agree! Your creepy meter is calibrated to a completely extreme setting haha. I think about that spit massage at least once a week.
Mine too!
Can we get those repaired? Refurbished? Replaced?
Our creep meters? Mine is WAY past warranty. I avoid getting a new one by just ...avoiding dating. My last straw was a couple months ago. The aforementioned tattoo artist had tried for a year to set me up with a good friend of hers. A professional cartoonist...a highly accomplished one! I finally relented. He suggested dinner on the night I had planned to see a documentary at a cultural arts center in my town. I asked if he would like to join me. He did and I found him to be cordial, intelligent, and confident. We conversed with ease. He really liked the center and after the documentary ( about the controversial Amazon union) I introduced him to the director, several patrons, etc. I mentioned I was involved in the open mic there as a featured poet a couple times, etc. He and I went outside and talked for a while and I thought we MIGHT be hitting it off. Nope. He said; " okay well...get home safe" , then got in his car and that was that. Never heard from him again. This is not to say he was a creep, but it confirmed that this is why I don't date. People tell me I'm ridiculous, that 59 isn't too old, etc. I just dont feel like going through that "let down" feeling again.
Stop burying the lede, Jane! What was the red plastic thing? Was it a toy? Can I play with this toy? So many questions...
Haha no it was not a toy. I didn't know if you would take this as well as the 4-year-old so I intentionally held back but since you asked, it was an iced tea bottle. I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Well, this is heartbreaking
"I lost my life nineteen years ago, but I didn’t notice for a few months."
This opener knocked me out. I definitely noticed.
Thank you. I'm grateful for that comment.
Jane: On one of the first couple dates I went on with my wife (I don't remember which, or how we got there), I suggested that I could bounce a dinner roll off her forehead at the (slightly) nice restaurant we were at. She said something like "You wouldn't!" And then a dinner roll bounced off her forehead.
I have 1000% climbed up a wall to look at something on the other side, to the horror of my wife and children. I have called out to a random person to ask them a question that someone was wondering. I am that person for sure.
Judith: Several phrases in this article need to be framed and put up on the wall, including, but not limited to:
"Then I started getting old. And kept doing it, which way beats the alternative."
"In 2022, the Lawrence Livermore Laboratory sustained a nuclear fusion reaction for one-billionth of a second. Which is about as long as I can sustain a conversation with Mr. Scared D. Pants."
"We don't get to keep this body forever, no matter how much we love it and no matter how strong we get and no matter how good it looks or feels. "
Derek, Thank you most of all for the appreciation of those brilliant and beautiful lines from Judith. I could not agree more. She amazes me with how prolific she is while also being so deep and wise and unique with every line. It's incredible.
And thanks for getting me! I am also always the one to shout out the question or observation that I know someone else is thinking and isn't saying. I consider it a public service! I don't mind looking like the fool for the greater good and I'm so glad you are the same. Fools Unite!
Thank you, Jane. I am honored by your words.
We recently did a Buzzfeed quiz at work for "Which Jolly Rancher flavor are you?" (Look, it was Friday).
I was Blue Raspberry, which included "You aren't afraid to stand out or do something others might find embarrassing." And yeah. More so because I have no shame and very little capacity for embarrassment, but end result is the same.
I'm sure I'm blue raspberry too then. And my goal in life for all of us is No Shame, so congratulations!
Thank you for your comment and for choosing those lines from the piece.
If my Grandpa ever heard someone complain about a birthday or aging, he'd say, "it beats the alternative". I think about that every time I see a new wrinkle or feel a new ache. It most certainly beats the alternative! I have never heard anyone else say it!
My Grandpa was quite the guy - if someone asked how he was doing, he'd reply "still buying green bananas." Instead of going for a nap, he was "pressing his shirt". He had a ton of great sayings!
Still buying green bananas says it perfectly! He sounds awesome
I love “still buying green bananas.”
"If there was an elephant in the room, there wasn’t. " JUDITH!! I will be thinking about this for the rest of eternity.
I love your words! Thank you!
In don’t know where Judith has been all my life, but now that she is here I will worship at the alter of her impeccable prose. I also plan on working her Lawrence Livermore nuclear fusion line into a conversation as soon as humanly possible. Thanks, Jane and Judith!
Thank you for your comment. Deep bow.
Judith, several things: I can’t believe you’ve never seen a sex toy, so wholesome and delightful. Thank you for pulling the wool from my eyes and exposing the fat loss from the undercarriage of my feet. Those scoundrels, now I know what they’ve been up to with their bellyaching. Finally the idea of a bra company called 32 Long, or alternatively a band name - I guffawed in a most unladylike and satisfying way.
I hope that's not true, about sex toys you can fill with someone's cremains. While I'm considering a locket with a few ashes, that idea of a cremains filled dildo is just to...necrophiliacy? Is that a word? It is now. Viagra, btw, just pisses me off.
I'm loving hearing these responses to Viagra because as far as I know, I've never been with someone who used it. And I've never had an opinion on it. I took it myself once experimentally (for journalistic purposes – my excuse for everything) but do you dislike Viagra because it's all about his pleasure and doesn't work well for what women prefer – like the Cialis that Judith refers to? I want to understand more about it.
“Women tell stories of love the way men may describe skeet shooting or fly fishing. I imagine a more perfect world.”
Fave line. I like this writing style . Not sure how to describe it. I hope someone more eloquent does for me. It’s too humid where I am to think straight.
Very glad to have read this
I love your line about the humidity. And I get that. Judith’s writing is so so special and one of a kind. No one's brain works like hers and then her ability to capture those unique thoughts in those perfect words and beautiful phrases the way she does - well, clearly, I don't know how to describe it either. But I love it too.
I still can’t believe he kept using the excuse that he had to feed his dead cat … 😵💫
Thank you for restacking my work.
I share initials with your daughter so can scratch away and blame someone else whilst copping it for someone else’s scratches. Seems a fair swap…
This is one of the funniest most heartwarming piece of writing I’ve read in some time, as lovingly folksy as Harper Lee or Garisson Keillor and with as many memorable phrases.
I love this story, especially the clout, gout, doubt part!
I love that too and thank you so much for the comment. I sincerely feel like every time I read this piece. I find at least one new thing in it to love. So it's great when you guys point them out too, and I can go back and look!
Chris J, I will carve your initials into cement any day!
I love the way you characterize Judith's writing. I can't wait for her to see this comment also
and thank you for saying it! I'm already looking forward to her next piece here…