It Happened to Me: I Was Suicidal For Decades — Now I'm 30 And Have To Live A Future I Never Planned For

I was terrified of germs, couldn't get out of bed, didn't sleep or feed myself. Now I'm ready to stay alive but completely unprepared for these ages and milestones I didn't expect to see.

Hello and some background on the featured story today:

When you ask someone to tell you their story, which I do a lot in life and for this publication, if you have any preconceived ideas about what they will tell you, you are almost always wrong. What you get is hardly ever what you expected.

I met AJ in the comments of Meeka’s post, where some of her anecdotes made me wonder if her life experiences were different from a lot of other people's here. I related to some of what she was referring to about growing up without money and being surrounded by people who didn’t get that. And I just loved how differently and boldly she made points and took stances no one else was taking.

Well, it turns out that AJ is full of mysteries and stories and wanted to publish this It Happened To Me piece today as her first ever one.

I imagine that many of you will leave this story feeling like you need to help AJ in some way. I do. She is very open to any suggestions we all want to make for moving forward in life. And wants to be heard. Also, I can’t say strongly enough that if you or someone you know is struggling like this or in a mental health or other crisis, please call, text, or chat with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. The help I have gotten from hotlines has saved my life and they are there to do that for you too.

I love you all.

-Jane

PS I want to suggest an idea if you're up for it at some point: consider this as strictly a photo essay by looking only at AJ’s telling self portraits and the captions beneath all the photos. I think the story within those visual elements and her captions is more than enough. But I appreciate every single word AJ is giving you and me here also.

Taken on my 22nd birthday. I spent the day alone.

By Anastasia Jill

I always thought I would die young.

I spent most of my formative years wanting, planning, and attempting to die.

My childhood was fraught with instability, including multiple instances of sexual, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse. As a result, I developed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and psychosis. What this means for me is frequent bouts of suicidal depression, unbearable anxiety, and psychotic breaks.

Now, I often lose touch with reality for long stretches of time. Other days I’m too present and feel too many emotions to process. I suffer from psychogenic seizures and severe gastric issues due to the stress. I’ve self-harmed more times than I can count. Fighting the suicidal thoughts (the intrusive and the suicidal) is even more of a burden.

My brain is a weapon eternally aimed at me.