It Happened To Me: My Baby Was Not Compatible With Living And I Said Goodbye To Her All Alone

I couldn't understand why I was being asked to have a baby that was going to die. Then, the six-hour ordeal I was promised turned into a 36-hour nightmare.

Hi Wonders!

I want to interfere as little as possible with Jackie's piece today. It's her first work for AJPT and she sent it to me exactly as you see it here. (Minus the photos and captions.) She and I have texted back-and-forth a lot in the couple of weeks since she sent it and we relate to each other on not identifying ourselves as writers. Read this and tell me what you think. I think she's remarkable.

Jane

OK, you know me better than to think I could stop there… And you did say you wanted to hear more about my current life, so… After I wrote this last night — and I respectfully mean all of it and will return to my respectful ways in one moment — I went to James Frey’s book launch event, starring a bunch of actual writers I've never met before. I tried to meet Molly Jong-Fast because it seems like we would have met in life by now, but I couldn't find her after so maybe she was in a hurry. I did get saved by Dan Abrams from leaning into a painting, and then a wonderful AJPT contributor I've never met in person introduced herself and we became fast in-person pals and sat cross legged on the floor since they were out of seats. The drink server guy there sweetly complimented my uniform, I mean dress, and made sure I knew that there was tequila in the drink I ordered. (He said it twice.) He maybe did that because a lot of the people there were sober, but it's a kind and conscientious thing to always do regardless, so I hope that's just standard operating procedure. I only drank half of it because I am a lightweight these days (wasn't always!). So that was my evening. Tell me to stop doing this whenever you like!

One last thing: We just got an unexpected surge of sales on our Sassy T-shirts so wanted to encourage you to get in there if you want one too. Part of revenue goes to Planned Parenthood and Reproductive Freedom For All if that helps you motivate.

Now a moment of silence as we get ready to read today’s beautiful new AJPT offering. I cannot thank Jackie enough for letting us run this and it deserves a much better intro than it just got. Read it with care. When you’re in the right frame of mind. And then see you in the comments, as always.

Photo on Boat in Bali, taken by Brett, Feb 2000. I thought we would relax. He thought we would explore the entire island with no guide. Our rental buggies lost power on a tiny rope suspension bridge in the middle of some forrest jungle. We almost died - at least 4 times.

By Jackie Dawes

I married for love.

I mean, I was five and a half months pregnant, but I was also in love. Getting married, knocked up in Vegas, certainly wasn’t part of my life plan; but being married at all was never part of the plan.

The knocked-up part is why I am currently sitting in this specialist’s office. The specialist came into the room, hardly looking up as he sat down to review the ultrasound that lay on top of my file. Thirty seconds later, while still inspecting one of my scans, he said, “Ms. Richards, your baby has a disorder called Cystic Hygroma.”

He picked up another scan, stared at it intensely, and added, “It’s a rare disorder that’s…not compatible with living.”

Now, I had heard it in my head, but it didn’t register. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me, so I just sat there nodding because I wanted the important doctor to believe I was paying close attention to what he said — even if I had no comprehension. My odd reaction let him know it wasn’t getting through, so he looked at me.

Summer of 2000 - The summer I fell in love with skateboard husband- outside of the restaurant Newsroom in LA

“Yes, some parents have a deeply difficult choice to make in these…situations,” then he went back to reviewing the pictures, “but you, in your case, you’re in a sense, lucky.” The situation was still not clear to me when he added, “In the case of your child, there is no choice to make.”

“I see,” I said, still nodding but not really seeing. Then we just sat there in silence while he looked at me curiously. Eventually, the words broke through, and I got it.

“Oh, … OH, …OH!” Each Oh was a little louder than the first. Then my mind went blank. I sat there rocking a bit, and he continued to wait. Finally, and abruptly, I stood up, thanked him, and started walking out of his office.

He called out to me, annoyed, “Ms. Richards, where are you going? We’re not done here.”

I turned back around in a daze, “You just said…the baby was going to die.”

“Yes, and now we need to discuss having the baby,” he said curtly.

My head tilted over to the side, “Why would I want to have a baby that’s going to die?”