It Happened To Me: My Brown Eyes Turned Green!
PLUS: Jane embarrasses herself with Mamdani and gets a friend divorce from Natasha Lyonne
For Starters:
Here's How Not To Meet The Mayor For The First Time
By: Jane
How Not To Meet Your Mayor:
Don't wash your hair because you washed it the day before and even though you did one yoga class and it looks ridiculous down, putting it up so solves that and saves a lot of time that you can spend on Instagram instead of wasting effort "getting ready.” Pull items out of your closet that you haven't worn in decades and just put them all together. Be very happy with that outfit.
Don't realize that you are actually going to hang out with him one on one and assume you will just hear him speaking in a big room full of people. Try to bring your half-drunk wineglass into the room with him and have security stop you and tell you you have to leave it out there on a table so you take one sip first. Remember where it is in case you want to take it on your way out.
As you enter the room, overhear other people in the vestibule saying to each other "whatever you do, don't wear red.” The decades old coat you have chosen to wear for the evening is bright, red and big. Thank god spot a big puffy couch just inside the room as you are ushered in and shove your red coat down into a corner of it between the cushions where hopefully he and no one else will see it.
Decide just to tell him “Thank you,” rather than trying to converse about any policies you know nothing about. Say it twice, emphatically, to which he reacts instantaneously and warmly and then replies “That is so sweet,” and gives your arm a nice squeeze.
Ta da.
Other things happened too since we spoke last, but I'm going to save them for the comments. There is also another new piece right here that just went up and talks about friend divorces. Which had me thinking a lot about mine with Natasha Lyonne years ago, partly obviously because she's been so in the news. So I would love to talk about that and reason it out with you and also talk about yours.
As far as today's featured story goes, I've known Anka since the ‘80s and to paint the picture of the life we were all living then, I'm 95% sure the last time I saw her was at a crazy awards show where I was seated two spots away from Madonna and my date was Courtney from The Dandy Warhols, who I was soooo crushed on. She and I have had some fun. Anka has a Substack now too and everything on it is as good as I think this story is so check it out AFTER you read today's piece. I love you all so so much! Talk to you below!
Now without further ado….
Jane
My Brown Eyes Turned Green!
By Anka Radakovich
I was having a lunch date in Los Angeles, where the sun bathed our faces in warmth, as it does there, and everything seemed perfect. My date looked at me and said “You have the most beautiful green eyes.” I said “Thank you,” and I giggled, and said “But I have dark brown eyes.” And he said “No you don’t silly, you have green eyes.”
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had dark brown eyes. What was he talking about? A WTF moment. I secretly freaked out, and as soon was I got home I looked at my eyes with one of those scary 10X magnifying mirrors that shows everything, and I indeed had green eyes. Why did I not notice this before? What was going on? I immediately called my doctor to ask her why this was happening, and if I am turning into another species, like a reptilian, a green lizard lady.
She laughed, which is always a good sign when your Doctor laughs. She told me “not to worry about it” but to get a blood test in the morning. Omg, was I turning into an Amazonian woman in a 1966 sci-fi movie where I turn green and become a crazed monster who is an insatiable nympho? I took the blood test to find out.
The blood test revealed that I was perfectly healthy, but my cholesterol shot up to an alarming high of 268, and my Doctor immediately put me on 40 mg of Lipitor so the fat in my blood wouldn’t blow out my arteries. The weird thing is that just three months ago I had a blood test and my cholesterol was a perfectly normal 180. I asked the Doctor why my eyes might have suddenly turned green and she told me to “not worry about” it but to go to an eye doctor. Ok, now I’m worried again. Was I going blind?
TO FIND OUT WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ANKA’S EYES AND TO SEE PICTURES OF THEM GREEN, please do a nice thing and subscribe here so she can get paid!
