Based on a bunch of the comments here and notes that I'm getting, I want to say that now would be an impeccable opportunity for anyone who wants me to publish their lighthearted story here. An Unpopular Opinion piece would be especially great because I haven't received as many of those lately, but an It Happened To Me or anything else I would love love to read and love to publish. Send me your light silly funny unimportant stories to jane@anotherjaneprattthing.com. As a reader, Holly, discovered last night when she took advantage of the fact that I had said I didn't have plans this weekend and wrote me at 3:30 AM and I returned her email at 3:40 AM, I check that email all the damn time!
This comment from Dana was in notes and we started having the most interesting conversation about it, but I want you all in on it too so here it is:
I guffawed at what you said to your daughter…and as I am the current holder of the title World’s Okayest Mom, my opinion holds great value.
Worst Mom In The World is quite the sought-after category, isn’t it? We jump on any chance we get to examine our parental choices and judge the fuck out of ourselves for the maybe not-so-ideal ones.
The pressure we put our ourselves to live up to vague rules created by a society that allows shit like what happened to poor Lou…woof.
I want to talk so much more about this! First of all, world's Okayest mom is a far superior title. After I first said World's Worst, I saw a lot of other people doing that and decided it wasn't all that clever. But whatever to that.
My own mom was just telling me today to not try to be such a great mom and to be more of an OK one. It's hard to do with all the social pressure, right?. And then your comment as it relates to Lou and real problems is absolutely right. Anyway, tell me your parenting stories if you want to! I'm invested.
Jane, let’s talk about it!! Here’s the origin story.
When my boys were still little (they’re both teenagers now) I had this constant undercurrent of feeling like I was terrible at momming, no matter what I did.
It permeated everything…even the times I was probably nailing it. Sooooo much self-judgement. (I assume it was from the undiagnosed ADHD and depression that’s clung to me since I hit puberty and got significantly worse postpartum.)
At some point it occurred to me that holding the title of The World’s Worst Mom couldn’t possibly be true, since not only was I (at the time) a SAHM and spent 99% of my energy feeding them, singing or reading to them, and occasionally giving them baths but also wasn’t in the habit of shooting heroin in front of them or abandoning them with a stranger for days.
But what to classify myself as…if not The Worst, then what?
At some point I saw a coffee mug with the words “World’s Okayest Mom” printed on it.
Charlie Brown’s emphatic declaration upon receiving Lucy’s diagnosis of pantophobia resounded in my head: “THAT’S IT!!”
I had to have it.
So I gleefully asked my husband to get it for me for Mother’s Day.
My own mother, who was still alive at the time, was mortified. “How on earth is that an appropriate Mother’s Day gift for the mother of those two darling little angels?!?”
“Mom, I asked him to get it for me,” I explained. “I think it’s hilarious…and true.”
“Hmmmph” was her response. (She rarely found my self-deprecation amusing.)
But Okayest just made sense. I was physically available to them 24/7 but often phoned it in because I was so exhausted, especially once there were two of them.
With the additional baby 19 months after the first one was born, homemade baby food became the jarred stuff which led to those squeezy packets they could feed themselves.
Fun outings were limited to anything I could walk to while pushing them in a double stroller, because loading them and half of my house into the car to go to the park or beach sounded like a night terror.
Limited screen time became non-existent. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Wild Kratts were the only babysitters we could afford on one income.
Since those days I’ve realized that being the Okayest is probably better than average, especially since in my family we’re all neurospicy in a society designed for the neurotypical.
Sherry, whenever you see this, I want to tell you again here the biggest thank you for this story. I hope it helps with your loss somewhat to be able to tell it. My dad was also murdered (it went uninvestigated and some people consider it an accident or a hit and run, but I think it was more intentional than that and either way he was left by the side of the road to die) a few days after his 59th birthday. It feels empowering for me to call it murder because I think that's what it was and I feel the exact same way about your case. While I'm glad that Kevin got prosecuted for other things, he should really be held to task for this also. As you well know. Just like whoever killed my dad.
Jane, that’s horrifying. And Sherry, thank you for sharing your story…that must’ve been so difficult to write. How devastating to see no justice for your dads. 💔
We are also neurospicy and doing our okayist! I see so many unhappy moms every day trying so hard and just feeling miserable. Sometimes I think they don’t give themselves permission to have fun or relax or be off. It’s not normal to have to be ON all the time. Sometimes I think we have to just laugh at it being what it is and say “I can’t handle this right now adult daughter who CAN turn on the fan but WONT because of a special need.” Or how my 10 year old is refusing to stay w a sitter tomorrow so the adults we are visiting can have one night together. I just want to scream BE NORMAL!! We all do sooooo much for our kids no matter what and when an extra need is introduced — big or small -
The playbook is just different. I think we learn to let more go. I don’t know. At least I did.
And I read this heartbreaking story from Sherry so closely. Thank you for giving us this very honest and difficult to write story. It feels really like a true crime I can’t believe it could happen. It’s also a warning to a lot of others that might find themselves in a similar situation. I’m so so sorry it happened to you.
I agree with all of that. Isn't it horrifying that another commenter here, wonderful Meeka, has shared already that she had a similar situation in her family?
I think of you all of the time with this perfect parenting stuff because I think you are very much the way I was and feel extremely responsible to do everything possible for your kids at every moment. This note about being just an OK mom, which I know you've written about some already, is such a good one. I have seen you go so so so above and beyond for everything to do with your children. Which is beautiful as long as it doesn't overly tax you (though I could give the same advice about work with me also - we all really appreciate your high achieving ways and also want you to make time for yourself). I love you, Corynne! Keep being OK!
That’s so true about not getting over taxed! I think most moms of young kids are absolutely burnt out which isn’t helping the dynamic. I try to do me time and take my space so I have enough to give. I don’t always succeed but I do try! Thank you Jane :) perfect anything is just not achievable!
“Be normal!” Ahhh, how many times I’ve felt like that!! It can be so challenging and frustrating to deal with those refusals.
Some people would insist “You’re the parent, tell that kid to suck it up” while others would tell you “Your sensitive child needs your attention and support regardless of what YOU want to do…parenting is a 24/7 job.”
So who’s right? Neither one. There’s no room for black or white extremes in parenting. It’s a moment-by-moment, case-by-case, live-in-the-greys experience that NO ONE gets right all the time.
My older son has ADHD and is autistic, but we didn’t have the diagnosis until he was almost 14 (he’s almost 16 now) because he’s so high-functioning. He showed the signs from the time he was four weeks old, but having me as a mom? Well, I taught him how to make eye contact; I taught him an enormous vocabulary, because I don’t agree with speaking to children as though they’re lesser beings.
But that’s my opinion, and I don’t judge other parenting styles.
My younger son clearly has ADHD, but we haven’t gotten the official diagnosis because he doesn’t want the stigma that his brother has. At 14 he’s now becoming more receptive to making dietary changes to manage it, but that’s been a helluva struggle.
I spent years carrying around a cooler of food everytime we went somewhere because my older son would only eat certain foods (earning him the nickname “He who eats five things” — that made him quite angry when he was younger, but these days he finds it funny) and reading everything I could get my hands on to figure out how to help my younger son, who had his first anxiety attack at age seven and can throw a long-form tantrum that would rival a small earthquake.
All while hearing things like “You’re spoiling them” or “You need to do it *this* way” or a hundred other well-meaning but completely unwarranted bits of crappy parenting advice and biting my cheek to keep from screaming, “These are MY children! You know nothing about what I deal with on a daily basis!!”
My point (it’s around here somewhere) is this: You’re the only one who can write that playbook and you’re going to screw up sometimes…AND THAT’S OKAY.
Learning be okay with letting some things go is crucial for your mental health. And hanging on to guilt for what we *wish* we’d done? It’s a practice that takes a lot of effort, but I’ll tell you this…it’s worth it to learn how to release that shit. One of the biggest wastes of energy is feeling guilty about something that’s out of your control.
We can’t control other people — not even the ones we made ourselves — we can only control how we react to what they say and do. And in the end most of us are just doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given.
I am learning so much from your comments here. The simple concept that there is no right way or wrong way makes me feel so much relief because in every parenting situation I am still trying to find the right way I think. Let me take that in and thank you for it!
Also, the more I learn the more you sound like an absolutely incredible mom.
And I’m happy that my words are helping you…so many working moms get wrapped up in the guilt and shame of “but I wasn’t available 24/7 for my kid.”
Ummmm…how do you raise a child with no income?
We women are soooo fucking hard on ourselves. It’s part of my purpose in whatever I do to make sure I shatter the myth that we have to be superhuman to be worthy.
🥹 I’m just so overwhelmed with how fucking cool it is that I’m chatting with Jane Pratt about parenting and life and shit. (Literally. I just read Andy’s IHTM story.)
All of this! Unwarranted bit of crappy parenting advice is the funniest thing ever. I do feel like I do a lot for my kids but also don’t try to make it perfect or push them to be the best at anything. I just want happy kind kids and somehow that still feels really radical and not the norm bc I am not constantly optimizing every moment of their lives or manufacturing experiences. Some people are really shocked at the fact that they are well behaved, polite, and do well in school given how lax I am with rules and structure. All this to say your point ab being the expert on your own kids is really spot on and there’s no one way to do anything.
The people who think that their way is the only way are living in a self-contained delusion driven by fear of the unknown, and they’re (in my experience anyway) usually the most miserable people alive.
„Long form tantrum“ is brilliant. As is he who eats 5 things - we have one of each, the latter of whom is on a food jag and refusing the 5 things now… I feel like parenting these guys has been so therapeutic for me because where my spiciness got brutally shut down I am giving them what I feel like they need based on shared sensitivities and an ability to ignore the judgement of others as to how parenting needs to look. I loved how you expressed all this and can’t wait to read what you end up writing for AJPT!
Thank you, Jane! And your observation about parenting your kids being therapeutic is spot on. It’s wonderful to be able to give them the support and compassion that we needed but didn’t get.
By the way — he of the long-form tantrum is my 38-years-younger doppelgänger. It’s been a really frustrating and humbling experience to parent myself. Literally.
I often remind people that our parents more often than not didn’t intend for emotional brutality…they just didn’t know how to handle anything beyond the basic care and feeding expectations of parenting children before the mid 1990s.
The harsh words or even the times we were ignored came from their feelings of frustration and helplessness, but we interpreted those as being unloved. That awareness has actually made me a better parent and is helping me heal those wounds in myself.
You are a gorgeous writer, first of all!! I was teary-eyed by the end of this. I relate so much to the feelings you had about yourself as a mom and now with my daughter being 22 I look back at the things I did in my single parent sole provider/supporter role, and though i think it is probably understandable that I brought her along with me to inappropriate events and never cooked for her (for two examples) and can feel bad about them,
I've got to stop and get on the bandwagon of wanting to be OK because we, like you, are certainly never going to be average. We are special needs, to use the phrase that started this whole thing. Tell me if you would like to write anything for AJPT because what you just wrote is so much more eloquent than mine. I love good writers!
One more thing, I even feel guilty from time to time when I remember that during my pregnancy I learned that if you drank a gallon of milk every day, your child would get the protein that it needed so I literally drank a gallon of milk every single day. Trying to do it perfectly is not perfect! And gives you gas.
It gives you gas 🤣 (And agita like you wouldn’t believe!) The things we do/have done for the sake of our children, eh?
Our best is all we can do…and that looks vastly different from day-to-day.
I’d be honored to write for AJPT! Jane, you have no idea how excited I am by this…Sassy was my bible as a teen. Your feature on the cast of Heathers still owns real estate in my subconscious.
Sherry, I'm so sorry you went through this. It's disgusting how people get over money and highlights how little the elderly are protected in this country. I hope Kevin rots in jail, but I know that's not always how our system works. My desire for justice is strong, and has definitely gotten me in trouble at times. It's infuriating feeling so powerless at times. I hope writing this was helpful to you.
Oh boy. Your stepbrother reminds me of my brother--except my brother is an idiot. There was some bullshittery around the settlement of our father's estate (a man who will not be missed by literally anyone), which involved my brother squatting in our dead father's house and selling everything that wasn't nailed down. The losses weren't nearly as bad as yours--and in this I include the relationships as well as the money--but I felt myself nodding along as I read this whole, horrible, story. That desire for justice tends to get me in a lot of trouble, so I think I understand a little of what you dealt with. It's the kind of thing that leaves a groove in our memories--something not easily forgotten or healed from.
Beautiful response. Sherry hasn't checked in here yet, but I'm sure she'll be happy to see it when she does. I particularly love that parenthetical "(a man who will not be missed by literally anyone)". Wow to that.
This is horrible and happens more that talked about. In my family’s case a “social worker” with the help of cousins took advantage of my great-uncle. By the time I was able to get things straightened out he was in a nursing home and suffering from memory loss.
I'm so so sorry to hear this. I'm really also glad you shared it so people can know (me included) that what Sherry wrote about here is not just a rare incident.
I don't think the content of this story is too brutal or tragic for this site. Since many of the IHTMs have been trauma-related and really happened, I'm not sure how one could decide what is too much or too little because anything will be subjective based on the reader's own experiences and what they can handle. I do wonder if this is too serious for a holiday weekend, and am curious how you decide what gets published when, how you balance the serious with the not-so serious. In my mind, this weekend would have been a good time to run something like Andy's poo-pool incident (it is a holiday, after all).
However, the Worst Mom in the World comment is what went too far for me. I never experienced any of the previous Worst Mom stories, but based on those you mentioned I was prepared for something less...offensive? My youngest sister has a developmental disability and I have vivid memories of some biker jerk pointing and laughing at her while I pushed her in a stroller (she is seventeen years younger than me). Adding to that, one of my Worst relative stories was that one time my aunt called my sister a "thing" as in, "you don't care about the rest of your family, you only care about that thing" motioning to my sister, who is certainly aware enough to know she was being talked about. At one point, my grandmother throat-punched that aunt in the front yard during a fight but that was on a separate occasion. Maybe I just didn't understand your tone, which is also very possible. But any joke about special needs is just a more socially correct way of saying the R word, which, no, I also don't ever say. Both are dated and cruel.
I considered not telling the story because it was not a joke about special needs. It was a fact, and we went on to have a conversation about it and how she and most people are special needs. Your criticism is obviously well founded and you are better entitled to make this decision than I am about whether it should've been published, and I'm really really sorry it affected you negatively – and if I had known, I honestly wouldn't have published it. Again, I'm sorry.
As far as deciding on the content, I'm always trying to get a good balance from day-to-day, which is not always easy to achieve. Particularly I think because people read something that inspires them to submit something very similar so submissions come in waves and themes. I may be in the tiny minority here but the times I would settle down to read a complicated dark story like this one would be during my version of beach reading. (Ann Rule accompanying me on probably every vacation from childhood on.) Whereas I would give you guys the poop in the pool story when I think you're having a hard end of your work week/school week and need a laugh. It's just the kind of counter programming I have done for myself my whole life, but I get that it does not work at all for everyone. Thanks for caring and for writing me about all of this. I really truly appreciate it.
Edited to add that I am so deeply sorry that those horrible incidents happened to your sister, from your own family in particular.
Thank you for responding, and hearing about your conversation after proves you actually aren't the worst mom. I'll admit it is a topic that pushes my buttons, probably more so now that I have a neurodivergent diagnosis or two of my own that haven't really sank in. I even edited my own comment bc in the first one I called my sister special needs too. My past experiences have definitely factored in to my reaction. Maybe something to write about? I really do appreciate the apology.
It really is subjective what people want to read and when, on holidays are when I usually have time to get into something that requires more brainpower, so I do have an understanding of how beach reads can mean different things to different people. The titles you add are fairly self explanatory too, so it's not like trigger warnings are needed. Thanks for explaining that process as I have been wondering about it for a while.
Thank YOU for wondering! Seriously! I think about it all the time and you nailed it because we have had that conversation about trigger warnings a bunch of times before publishing and have changed the titles to be very very clear as to what the story is about (which I like in a title anyway) so that it serves as a trigger warning in itself. Anyway, you completely got it.
I'm fascinated by everything else you wrote here and my favorite line is when you said "maybe something to write about?". Yes please!
I'm also now compelled to recount for you the entire conversation my daughter had after this, but I'll probably ask her first. It was fascinating and I also deal with my own mental health issues to a certain extent (Prozac and formerly Dr – not – only – prescribed – but – practically – mandated Xanax, which is thankfully no more.)
Write me with anything you want published on this. And thanks for understanding and letting me off the hook , which I know I deserved.
Just wanted to add I ended eight years of Prozac a few months ago plus am officially in menopause a few days ago. I have a feeling things will be pouring from my new found state of being. You've been warned :)
I'm really glad you said that and I look forward to hearing what other people think also. We (Me, Corynne, and Charlie) had a bunch of internal conversations about this before running it. I tend to not want to think of anything as too anything for this site – silly, juvenile, controversial, offensive, distressing, one sided, scary, or anything else - as long as it's true for the one of you who wrote it. But I really want to hear more opinions on this. It's important to me that I am making the right call on these things for all of us. Thank you so much! I really appreciate this feedback.
I think not publishing this would in a way have been complicit with a system that allows elder abuse. It needs to be talk about so it can be recognized and stopped.
I didn't think it was controversial or offensive. I was kind of just saying that the tone of your site didn't lead me to expect material that was as unrelievedly grim as this. Your starting the piece off with an intro in your typical chipper and upbeat Sassy-esque manner probably contributed. But the tone of your site is 100% your call!
As for elder abuse, which this definitely was, I read this more as a really tragic interpersonal story than a clear failure of policy -- it is difficult to say whether at any point a bureaucracy could have done the radical intervention needed purely on their own with the limited evidence they had. Probably the only way out here was for the author to physically move close to her father and fight a war with her stepbrother over the treatment of her father by continually engaging local law enforcement and social workers. That would have been very disruptive to her life, not to mention dangerous given her psycho step brother, but could have worked. She doesn't seem to show much self-questioning about her own choices here though.
But it's definitely a compelling if tragic story. From what I occasionally see/read this seems like the tip of the iceberg in stories about what can go wrong with aging if you don't have strong family support. It doesn't receive much attention because it's just too grim to think about and too much of a reminder of mortality.
Thanks for all of this. I feel the same way about her lack of questioning of her own choices. And I'm really happy for her that she has that clarity – also I look forward to Sherry coming here and answering some of these for herself – she hasn't responded to me so she probably hasn't seen it live yet.
I didn't presume that you were suggesting that you thought this was too controversial or objective at all. And I really see what you mean about the disconnect between my upbeat tone in my note and the story itself. I've done that often where I just jump from one mood straight into another - for example in print magazines, putting an upbeat Beauty story right before a horrific crime story. In this case, we had received and edited the piece well before I wrote my intro. I had read it probably 10 times and didn't reread it before writing that intro (which I write in the five minutes before I send out each post). So I certainly could have presented it (and possibly segued into it) much more fittingly and eloquently. I really appreciate all the thoughtful input.
I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through this. My parents were so afraid of my brother's "partner" (girlfriend? baby-mama? IDK what word to use) that they refused to let them visit their home after their first stay. My dad died without seeing my brother again, which sounds horribly sad, right? The instant he heard our dad was gone my brother was on the phone with: "I want my inheritance," so not really. Some people are just wired differently, I think, and they are able to hurt us profoundly and not even notice. I really am so sorry you experienced this, and for the loss of your dad. 💗💗
Based on a bunch of the comments here and notes that I'm getting, I want to say that now would be an impeccable opportunity for anyone who wants me to publish their lighthearted story here. An Unpopular Opinion piece would be especially great because I haven't received as many of those lately, but an It Happened To Me or anything else I would love love to read and love to publish. Send me your light silly funny unimportant stories to jane@anotherjaneprattthing.com. As a reader, Holly, discovered last night when she took advantage of the fact that I had said I didn't have plans this weekend and wrote me at 3:30 AM and I returned her email at 3:40 AM, I check that email all the damn time!
I have a pretty interesting topic for An Unpopular Opinion…I’ll get working on that tomorrow.
I Can. Not. Wait. thank you!! And thank you on behalf of the readers who are looking for something different too!
This comment from Dana was in notes and we started having the most interesting conversation about it, but I want you all in on it too so here it is:
I guffawed at what you said to your daughter…and as I am the current holder of the title World’s Okayest Mom, my opinion holds great value.
Worst Mom In The World is quite the sought-after category, isn’t it? We jump on any chance we get to examine our parental choices and judge the fuck out of ourselves for the maybe not-so-ideal ones.
The pressure we put our ourselves to live up to vague rules created by a society that allows shit like what happened to poor Lou…woof.
I want to talk so much more about this! First of all, world's Okayest mom is a far superior title. After I first said World's Worst, I saw a lot of other people doing that and decided it wasn't all that clever. But whatever to that.
My own mom was just telling me today to not try to be such a great mom and to be more of an OK one. It's hard to do with all the social pressure, right?. And then your comment as it relates to Lou and real problems is absolutely right. Anyway, tell me your parenting stories if you want to! I'm invested.
Jane, let’s talk about it!! Here’s the origin story.
When my boys were still little (they’re both teenagers now) I had this constant undercurrent of feeling like I was terrible at momming, no matter what I did.
It permeated everything…even the times I was probably nailing it. Sooooo much self-judgement. (I assume it was from the undiagnosed ADHD and depression that’s clung to me since I hit puberty and got significantly worse postpartum.)
At some point it occurred to me that holding the title of The World’s Worst Mom couldn’t possibly be true, since not only was I (at the time) a SAHM and spent 99% of my energy feeding them, singing or reading to them, and occasionally giving them baths but also wasn’t in the habit of shooting heroin in front of them or abandoning them with a stranger for days.
But what to classify myself as…if not The Worst, then what?
At some point I saw a coffee mug with the words “World’s Okayest Mom” printed on it.
Charlie Brown’s emphatic declaration upon receiving Lucy’s diagnosis of pantophobia resounded in my head: “THAT’S IT!!”
I had to have it.
So I gleefully asked my husband to get it for me for Mother’s Day.
My own mother, who was still alive at the time, was mortified. “How on earth is that an appropriate Mother’s Day gift for the mother of those two darling little angels?!?”
“Mom, I asked him to get it for me,” I explained. “I think it’s hilarious…and true.”
“Hmmmph” was her response. (She rarely found my self-deprecation amusing.)
But Okayest just made sense. I was physically available to them 24/7 but often phoned it in because I was so exhausted, especially once there were two of them.
With the additional baby 19 months after the first one was born, homemade baby food became the jarred stuff which led to those squeezy packets they could feed themselves.
Fun outings were limited to anything I could walk to while pushing them in a double stroller, because loading them and half of my house into the car to go to the park or beach sounded like a night terror.
Limited screen time became non-existent. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Wild Kratts were the only babysitters we could afford on one income.
Since those days I’ve realized that being the Okayest is probably better than average, especially since in my family we’re all neurospicy in a society designed for the neurotypical.
And I’ve held the title ever since.
Sherry, whenever you see this, I want to tell you again here the biggest thank you for this story. I hope it helps with your loss somewhat to be able to tell it. My dad was also murdered (it went uninvestigated and some people consider it an accident or a hit and run, but I think it was more intentional than that and either way he was left by the side of the road to die) a few days after his 59th birthday. It feels empowering for me to call it murder because I think that's what it was and I feel the exact same way about your case. While I'm glad that Kevin got prosecuted for other things, he should really be held to task for this also. As you well know. Just like whoever killed my dad.
I am so sorry to hear this about your dad.
Thank you so much, Judith.
Jane, that’s horrifying. And Sherry, thank you for sharing your story…that must’ve been so difficult to write. How devastating to see no justice for your dads. 💔
Thank you for getting it, Dana.
Oh Jane…that is just awful! I'm so sorry. I know what it is to lose a Dad. ❤️
We are also neurospicy and doing our okayist! I see so many unhappy moms every day trying so hard and just feeling miserable. Sometimes I think they don’t give themselves permission to have fun or relax or be off. It’s not normal to have to be ON all the time. Sometimes I think we have to just laugh at it being what it is and say “I can’t handle this right now adult daughter who CAN turn on the fan but WONT because of a special need.” Or how my 10 year old is refusing to stay w a sitter tomorrow so the adults we are visiting can have one night together. I just want to scream BE NORMAL!! We all do sooooo much for our kids no matter what and when an extra need is introduced — big or small -
The playbook is just different. I think we learn to let more go. I don’t know. At least I did.
And I read this heartbreaking story from Sherry so closely. Thank you for giving us this very honest and difficult to write story. It feels really like a true crime I can’t believe it could happen. It’s also a warning to a lot of others that might find themselves in a similar situation. I’m so so sorry it happened to you.
I agree with all of that. Isn't it horrifying that another commenter here, wonderful Meeka, has shared already that she had a similar situation in her family?
I think of you all of the time with this perfect parenting stuff because I think you are very much the way I was and feel extremely responsible to do everything possible for your kids at every moment. This note about being just an OK mom, which I know you've written about some already, is such a good one. I have seen you go so so so above and beyond for everything to do with your children. Which is beautiful as long as it doesn't overly tax you (though I could give the same advice about work with me also - we all really appreciate your high achieving ways and also want you to make time for yourself). I love you, Corynne! Keep being OK!
That’s so true about not getting over taxed! I think most moms of young kids are absolutely burnt out which isn’t helping the dynamic. I try to do me time and take my space so I have enough to give. I don’t always succeed but I do try! Thank you Jane :) perfect anything is just not achievable!
“Be normal!” Ahhh, how many times I’ve felt like that!! It can be so challenging and frustrating to deal with those refusals.
Some people would insist “You’re the parent, tell that kid to suck it up” while others would tell you “Your sensitive child needs your attention and support regardless of what YOU want to do…parenting is a 24/7 job.”
So who’s right? Neither one. There’s no room for black or white extremes in parenting. It’s a moment-by-moment, case-by-case, live-in-the-greys experience that NO ONE gets right all the time.
My older son has ADHD and is autistic, but we didn’t have the diagnosis until he was almost 14 (he’s almost 16 now) because he’s so high-functioning. He showed the signs from the time he was four weeks old, but having me as a mom? Well, I taught him how to make eye contact; I taught him an enormous vocabulary, because I don’t agree with speaking to children as though they’re lesser beings.
But that’s my opinion, and I don’t judge other parenting styles.
My younger son clearly has ADHD, but we haven’t gotten the official diagnosis because he doesn’t want the stigma that his brother has. At 14 he’s now becoming more receptive to making dietary changes to manage it, but that’s been a helluva struggle.
I spent years carrying around a cooler of food everytime we went somewhere because my older son would only eat certain foods (earning him the nickname “He who eats five things” — that made him quite angry when he was younger, but these days he finds it funny) and reading everything I could get my hands on to figure out how to help my younger son, who had his first anxiety attack at age seven and can throw a long-form tantrum that would rival a small earthquake.
All while hearing things like “You’re spoiling them” or “You need to do it *this* way” or a hundred other well-meaning but completely unwarranted bits of crappy parenting advice and biting my cheek to keep from screaming, “These are MY children! You know nothing about what I deal with on a daily basis!!”
My point (it’s around here somewhere) is this: You’re the only one who can write that playbook and you’re going to screw up sometimes…AND THAT’S OKAY.
Learning be okay with letting some things go is crucial for your mental health. And hanging on to guilt for what we *wish* we’d done? It’s a practice that takes a lot of effort, but I’ll tell you this…it’s worth it to learn how to release that shit. One of the biggest wastes of energy is feeling guilty about something that’s out of your control.
We can’t control other people — not even the ones we made ourselves — we can only control how we react to what they say and do. And in the end most of us are just doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given.
I am learning so much from your comments here. The simple concept that there is no right way or wrong way makes me feel so much relief because in every parenting situation I am still trying to find the right way I think. Let me take that in and thank you for it!
Also, the more I learn the more you sound like an absolutely incredible mom.
And I’m happy that my words are helping you…so many working moms get wrapped up in the guilt and shame of “but I wasn’t available 24/7 for my kid.”
Ummmm…how do you raise a child with no income?
We women are soooo fucking hard on ourselves. It’s part of my purpose in whatever I do to make sure I shatter the myth that we have to be superhuman to be worthy.
🥹 I’m just so overwhelmed with how fucking cool it is that I’m chatting with Jane Pratt about parenting and life and shit. (Literally. I just read Andy’s IHTM story.)
Jane, I emailed you yesterday…my essay isn’t ready quite yet but I wanted to get the dialogue going.
Let me know if you’ve received an email from dana@revolution-within.com, it’s from me (obvs).
All of this! Unwarranted bit of crappy parenting advice is the funniest thing ever. I do feel like I do a lot for my kids but also don’t try to make it perfect or push them to be the best at anything. I just want happy kind kids and somehow that still feels really radical and not the norm bc I am not constantly optimizing every moment of their lives or manufacturing experiences. Some people are really shocked at the fact that they are well behaved, polite, and do well in school given how lax I am with rules and structure. All this to say your point ab being the expert on your own kids is really spot on and there’s no one way to do anything.
The people who think that their way is the only way are living in a self-contained delusion driven by fear of the unknown, and they’re (in my experience anyway) usually the most miserable people alive.
„Long form tantrum“ is brilliant. As is he who eats 5 things - we have one of each, the latter of whom is on a food jag and refusing the 5 things now… I feel like parenting these guys has been so therapeutic for me because where my spiciness got brutally shut down I am giving them what I feel like they need based on shared sensitivities and an ability to ignore the judgement of others as to how parenting needs to look. I loved how you expressed all this and can’t wait to read what you end up writing for AJPT!
Thank you, Jane! And your observation about parenting your kids being therapeutic is spot on. It’s wonderful to be able to give them the support and compassion that we needed but didn’t get.
By the way — he of the long-form tantrum is my 38-years-younger doppelgänger. It’s been a really frustrating and humbling experience to parent myself. Literally.
I often remind people that our parents more often than not didn’t intend for emotional brutality…they just didn’t know how to handle anything beyond the basic care and feeding expectations of parenting children before the mid 1990s.
The harsh words or even the times we were ignored came from their feelings of frustration and helplessness, but we interpreted those as being unloved. That awareness has actually made me a better parent and is helping me heal those wounds in myself.
You are a gorgeous writer, first of all!! I was teary-eyed by the end of this. I relate so much to the feelings you had about yourself as a mom and now with my daughter being 22 I look back at the things I did in my single parent sole provider/supporter role, and though i think it is probably understandable that I brought her along with me to inappropriate events and never cooked for her (for two examples) and can feel bad about them,
I've got to stop and get on the bandwagon of wanting to be OK because we, like you, are certainly never going to be average. We are special needs, to use the phrase that started this whole thing. Tell me if you would like to write anything for AJPT because what you just wrote is so much more eloquent than mine. I love good writers!
One more thing, I even feel guilty from time to time when I remember that during my pregnancy I learned that if you drank a gallon of milk every day, your child would get the protein that it needed so I literally drank a gallon of milk every single day. Trying to do it perfectly is not perfect! And gives you gas.
It gives you gas 🤣 (And agita like you wouldn’t believe!) The things we do/have done for the sake of our children, eh?
Our best is all we can do…and that looks vastly different from day-to-day.
I’d be honored to write for AJPT! Jane, you have no idea how excited I am by this…Sassy was my bible as a teen. Your feature on the cast of Heathers still owns real estate in my subconscious.
Even better! I'll stay on top of that inbox and look for you there!
Also, that's really helpful what you said about what we're capable of changing day-to-day. Hallelujah to accepting that in ourselves.
This is too heartbreaking for words…but it’s well-written.
I’m glad you shared it, Jane. It illustrates yet another gap in our horrificly crippled justice system.
Sherry, I'm so sorry you went through this. It's disgusting how people get over money and highlights how little the elderly are protected in this country. I hope Kevin rots in jail, but I know that's not always how our system works. My desire for justice is strong, and has definitely gotten me in trouble at times. It's infuriating feeling so powerless at times. I hope writing this was helpful to you.
Oh boy. Your stepbrother reminds me of my brother--except my brother is an idiot. There was some bullshittery around the settlement of our father's estate (a man who will not be missed by literally anyone), which involved my brother squatting in our dead father's house and selling everything that wasn't nailed down. The losses weren't nearly as bad as yours--and in this I include the relationships as well as the money--but I felt myself nodding along as I read this whole, horrible, story. That desire for justice tends to get me in a lot of trouble, so I think I understand a little of what you dealt with. It's the kind of thing that leaves a groove in our memories--something not easily forgotten or healed from.
Beautiful response. Sherry hasn't checked in here yet, but I'm sure she'll be happy to see it when she does. I particularly love that parenthetical "(a man who will not be missed by literally anyone)". Wow to that.
Dear Sherry, this is a heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry that your attempts to help your father weren’t met with more support.
This is horrible and happens more that talked about. In my family’s case a “social worker” with the help of cousins took advantage of my great-uncle. By the time I was able to get things straightened out he was in a nursing home and suffering from memory loss.
I'm so so sorry to hear this. I'm really also glad you shared it so people can know (me included) that what Sherry wrote about here is not just a rare incident.
I don't think the content of this story is too brutal or tragic for this site. Since many of the IHTMs have been trauma-related and really happened, I'm not sure how one could decide what is too much or too little because anything will be subjective based on the reader's own experiences and what they can handle. I do wonder if this is too serious for a holiday weekend, and am curious how you decide what gets published when, how you balance the serious with the not-so serious. In my mind, this weekend would have been a good time to run something like Andy's poo-pool incident (it is a holiday, after all).
However, the Worst Mom in the World comment is what went too far for me. I never experienced any of the previous Worst Mom stories, but based on those you mentioned I was prepared for something less...offensive? My youngest sister has a developmental disability and I have vivid memories of some biker jerk pointing and laughing at her while I pushed her in a stroller (she is seventeen years younger than me). Adding to that, one of my Worst relative stories was that one time my aunt called my sister a "thing" as in, "you don't care about the rest of your family, you only care about that thing" motioning to my sister, who is certainly aware enough to know she was being talked about. At one point, my grandmother throat-punched that aunt in the front yard during a fight but that was on a separate occasion. Maybe I just didn't understand your tone, which is also very possible. But any joke about special needs is just a more socially correct way of saying the R word, which, no, I also don't ever say. Both are dated and cruel.
I considered not telling the story because it was not a joke about special needs. It was a fact, and we went on to have a conversation about it and how she and most people are special needs. Your criticism is obviously well founded and you are better entitled to make this decision than I am about whether it should've been published, and I'm really really sorry it affected you negatively – and if I had known, I honestly wouldn't have published it. Again, I'm sorry.
As far as deciding on the content, I'm always trying to get a good balance from day-to-day, which is not always easy to achieve. Particularly I think because people read something that inspires them to submit something very similar so submissions come in waves and themes. I may be in the tiny minority here but the times I would settle down to read a complicated dark story like this one would be during my version of beach reading. (Ann Rule accompanying me on probably every vacation from childhood on.) Whereas I would give you guys the poop in the pool story when I think you're having a hard end of your work week/school week and need a laugh. It's just the kind of counter programming I have done for myself my whole life, but I get that it does not work at all for everyone. Thanks for caring and for writing me about all of this. I really truly appreciate it.
Edited to add that I am so deeply sorry that those horrible incidents happened to your sister, from your own family in particular.
Thank you for responding, and hearing about your conversation after proves you actually aren't the worst mom. I'll admit it is a topic that pushes my buttons, probably more so now that I have a neurodivergent diagnosis or two of my own that haven't really sank in. I even edited my own comment bc in the first one I called my sister special needs too. My past experiences have definitely factored in to my reaction. Maybe something to write about? I really do appreciate the apology.
It really is subjective what people want to read and when, on holidays are when I usually have time to get into something that requires more brainpower, so I do have an understanding of how beach reads can mean different things to different people. The titles you add are fairly self explanatory too, so it's not like trigger warnings are needed. Thanks for explaining that process as I have been wondering about it for a while.
Thank YOU for wondering! Seriously! I think about it all the time and you nailed it because we have had that conversation about trigger warnings a bunch of times before publishing and have changed the titles to be very very clear as to what the story is about (which I like in a title anyway) so that it serves as a trigger warning in itself. Anyway, you completely got it.
I'm fascinated by everything else you wrote here and my favorite line is when you said "maybe something to write about?". Yes please!
I'm also now compelled to recount for you the entire conversation my daughter had after this, but I'll probably ask her first. It was fascinating and I also deal with my own mental health issues to a certain extent (Prozac and formerly Dr – not – only – prescribed – but – practically – mandated Xanax, which is thankfully no more.)
Write me with anything you want published on this. And thanks for understanding and letting me off the hook , which I know I deserved.
Just wanted to add I ended eight years of Prozac a few months ago plus am officially in menopause a few days ago. I have a feeling things will be pouring from my new found state of being. You've been warned :)
Bring it on! It will help us all! Xox
Honestly this feels like almost too brutal and tragic a story for this site.
I'm really glad you said that and I look forward to hearing what other people think also. We (Me, Corynne, and Charlie) had a bunch of internal conversations about this before running it. I tend to not want to think of anything as too anything for this site – silly, juvenile, controversial, offensive, distressing, one sided, scary, or anything else - as long as it's true for the one of you who wrote it. But I really want to hear more opinions on this. It's important to me that I am making the right call on these things for all of us. Thank you so much! I really appreciate this feedback.
I think not publishing this would in a way have been complicit with a system that allows elder abuse. It needs to be talk about so it can be recognized and stopped.
What an absolutely excellent point. Thank you for making it!
I didn't think it was controversial or offensive. I was kind of just saying that the tone of your site didn't lead me to expect material that was as unrelievedly grim as this. Your starting the piece off with an intro in your typical chipper and upbeat Sassy-esque manner probably contributed. But the tone of your site is 100% your call!
As for elder abuse, which this definitely was, I read this more as a really tragic interpersonal story than a clear failure of policy -- it is difficult to say whether at any point a bureaucracy could have done the radical intervention needed purely on their own with the limited evidence they had. Probably the only way out here was for the author to physically move close to her father and fight a war with her stepbrother over the treatment of her father by continually engaging local law enforcement and social workers. That would have been very disruptive to her life, not to mention dangerous given her psycho step brother, but could have worked. She doesn't seem to show much self-questioning about her own choices here though.
But it's definitely a compelling if tragic story. From what I occasionally see/read this seems like the tip of the iceberg in stories about what can go wrong with aging if you don't have strong family support. It doesn't receive much attention because it's just too grim to think about and too much of a reminder of mortality.
Thanks for all of this. I feel the same way about her lack of questioning of her own choices. And I'm really happy for her that she has that clarity – also I look forward to Sherry coming here and answering some of these for herself – she hasn't responded to me so she probably hasn't seen it live yet.
I didn't presume that you were suggesting that you thought this was too controversial or objective at all. And I really see what you mean about the disconnect between my upbeat tone in my note and the story itself. I've done that often where I just jump from one mood straight into another - for example in print magazines, putting an upbeat Beauty story right before a horrific crime story. In this case, we had received and edited the piece well before I wrote my intro. I had read it probably 10 times and didn't reread it before writing that intro (which I write in the five minutes before I send out each post). So I certainly could have presented it (and possibly segued into it) much more fittingly and eloquently. I really appreciate all the thoughtful input.
I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to go through this. My parents were so afraid of my brother's "partner" (girlfriend? baby-mama? IDK what word to use) that they refused to let them visit their home after their first stay. My dad died without seeing my brother again, which sounds horribly sad, right? The instant he heard our dad was gone my brother was on the phone with: "I want my inheritance," so not really. Some people are just wired differently, I think, and they are able to hurt us profoundly and not even notice. I really am so sorry you experienced this, and for the loss of your dad. 💗💗