PLUS: Let Rain solve your issues - whether you think they're too hyper-specific, petty, silly, heavy, dark or trivial. I'll start off here with my current problem of hiring yet another active addict.
That quote really is phenomenal. We have to change ourselves, not our surroundings if we want real evolution and growth. We can only control ourselves and no one else.
Ok here is my work-relationship advice question for Rain:
I am in the middle of hiring someone who I learned is an addict in their addiction. I love this person and their work. I have inadvertently employed lots and lots of people who were using while they worked with me but I usually didn't realize - a few times until they wrote books years later that I read and realized why I had thought I must have been off and therefore not connecting with them, never considering that something might be off with them.
When I did realize, I tried to help. (My dad was an addict and I consider myself highly codependent - meaning I want to help every addict I am aware of but my "helping" often isn't.) I really really want to work with this person and ideally support them getting sober through the process. Is this a terrible idea? I feel like I sound really naïve and I'm not that naïve. I have been around a lot of addicts, I have been to meetings myself, but I genuinely don't know what to do right now. I think a lot of people would say to give them an ultimatum that I won't work with them until they are sober, but I also think their work right now while they're in the process of getting sober (I should have explained that this person is actively going to rehab and trying to get sober) could be helpful to a lot of other people. (I understand that their sobriety is the most and only important thing – more than using their story now to help other people.) Thanks if you can help me with any wisdom at all. I'm not doing anything further until I figure out the best path.
By the way, I will take my place in line in terms of reader questions you are already answering, Rain! I just wanted to pass this one along here to add to your queue.
Ok Jane this is an expert level advice columnist question and I’m an amateur at best! The best I can do is ask you a couple questions … is that ok? Then maybe we can talk further once you’ve had a chance to think on it…? Ok the questions… 1 what is your motivation for working with this person? 2 have you tried aligning your motivation with what’s best for them, the magazine and YOU? It’s possible the answer your seeking lives there. In the space where you can be sure the best is assured for all involved. I’m praying you find what’s best and don’t feel conflicted anymore 🙏🏼
Rain, you're the best. And I love the way you work - the back-and-forth like this seems necessary to get to the right advice now and often. OK, my motivation is three pronged. I think I will try to list them in order of their importance to me:
first is that I think it will be a great story for the readers and that they can get a lot of value from it (I pretty much always put the readers first – just like I do my daughter – and always have)
Second is helping this writer get published because she does great work and has a lot to offer and because I genuinely care about her as a person.
Third would be that I think the work will do well for the magazine, meaning plenty of readers and new subscribers, which is always the goal in terms of keeping a reader supported publication alive.
I don't feel like I have a stake in it beyond that, but I do know that I have a strong urge to satisfy all three of those reasons listed above. It's almost like my own addiction and something I really feel good when I can satisfy on all those levels.
One more thing I want to say, which is what prompted me to bring up this question in particular now, is that I am
already running into issues I have dealt with before when addicts have worked with me, which are them not coming through with work that is promised and them wanting money at odd times and via specific payment methods. One example is that on the first day filming my Fox TV talk show "Jane" back in the 90s, a guest was my former boyfriend and he had colluded with my assistant (both were active drug users, which I didn't realize) to get him the cash that we would have spent on a Car Service to pick him up for the show instead of him taking the car. I don't think I realize they were both using until at least a year later, even though it seemed obvious to a lot of people around me. So I don't want to be taken advantage of or spend inordinate amounts of time trying to make it work as I have with Other addicts in the past either – so
that would be another concern.
Thanks for any help you can provide and anyone else who wants to weigh in here also. XO
If you’re already running into issues, where you feel you are being hoodwinked or potentially taken advantage of… well that’s concerning! Maybe in this case it would be skillful to create some boundaries…? I imagine your business managers have a payment protocol yes? For example you could connect said person to them and let them handle that part… ? I can tell that you mean what you said, and you really want to see this through for your audience, for the writer and for the magazine. I hope it resolves so that all of that can happen! I also will share that sometimes, we have to let go completely for the right outcome to be revealed, or for the thing we want to happen to actually happen. That’s easier said than done, but I would have regretted not mentioning it! Now I’m a bit invested in this so please keep me posted! J’adore Jane xxx Rain 🙏🏼
I just reread it and that's wild! I am taking to heart that part about not carrying other people's burdens or trying to fix things for other people. That is life practice for me and I'm so glad you said it! (To me and all Scorpio risings).
I've had friends ghost me before and it was weirdly at the same time as the death of my mom. I never got any explanation for it, but I suspect that since I was the "supportive" one in the friendship, they were afraid I might ask for support from them now (I wouldn't.) I mean, I liked the person but I already knew our friendship was a one way street in a lot of ways. I knew it was a snake when I picked it up situation. Sometimes people are just shitty.
But yes, you are correct Rain, it's good to be self aware and do a little inventory of what you might be bringing (or not bringing) to the equation too. Wise words.
Sometimes there isn't a clear reason or answer, sometimes people do things without realizing why. It sucks to have hurt feelings. I recommend petting a domestic animal (dealers choice!) or if you don't have access, spending time befriending a squirrel and naming her Bonanza Jellybean 😉
This is brilliant advice, also! Thank you for that. And also I love the idea of knowing it was a snake when you picked it up. I've always known, but rarely listened to what I knew. But the more years I put in, the more I trust my own instincts about people from the beginning. It works every time.
Considering the last article you published by me, I’m not sure you want my opinion on this. 😹 I don’t envy the position you’re in. The fact that they’re in rehab helps. To me, addiction recovery seems like it should be a full-time job and their focus, instead of having the added stress of a new job. Have you talked to them about how they feel about managing their treatment while taking on a new position? Like I said above, you only have control over yourself and no one else. Ultimatums could likely lead to disappointment and resentment. If you hire this person and keep your expectations in check, it could be a positive for everyone involved. I’d move with an abundance of caution, though.
You can ask Bernice (the squirrel who lives in my backyard) if I'm a squirrel lady or not. I also have a colony of woodrats, a possum named Hazel, a Blue Jay, and a family of cardinals. It's pretty bustling in my back yard. That's not even covering the domestic animal situation. 😁
Yes!! I love this! 😹 I have two squirrel feeders in my living room window for the many squirrels, all named Margaret or Fat Betty, except for the one with half a tail whose name is, of course, Stumpy. I think they’re trying to break into my house through the mail slot, and I’ve made peace with that.
I think most of the Fat Bettys get them name when their pregnant. I change the words to “Black Betty” and sing to them. It’s a little unhinged but makes me happy
Don't tell Bernice, but I suspect that she might in fact be several squirrels, disguised as one. Squirrels breaking in through the mail slot is what I call an "A.P." aka, an "adorable problem."
This was a beautiful response, Rain! I'd say that if a person ghosts you, let them go. There are plenty of other people out there who would love to be part of your life!
Jane, as long as the applicant in question is committed to rehab, and is making meaningful progress, you might want to consider him or her if you *really* love their work. I'd make it clear that the job hinges upon them staying "clean," and fulfilling all of their responsibilities, though. If your gut feeling is telling you to be wary, you might want to pass and find someone else.
This actually happened to me back in November. I had been friends with this person for over twenty years. I had been there through everything. I was even the godmother to their child. We had history, loyalty, and years of shared life together.
Then we got into our first real fight.
They have ADHD, and sometimes they go into these states where they become very angry. When that happens, if I express strong emotions of my own as an autistic person, instead of responding with kindness or trying to soothe the situation, they become irritated with me and direct the anger back at me.
The day after the fight, I noticed something strange. I did not feel the urge to make up. Normally I would feel anxious or compelled to repair things immediately, but this time I did not.
I even wrote a message to send them for closure. But the longer I sat with it, the more I realized something important.
I do not actually owe them anything.
After twenty years, it was as if something inside me simply turned off. I did not feel love. I did not feel hatred. I did not feel the need to defend myself or explain my side. It was like everything I had carried for that friendship quietly disappeared overnight.
And I think the reason is that I have been doing so much work on myself. I have spent years trying to deprogram the relationship patterns I learned growing up, and the kinds of dynamics those patterns pulled into my life.
What I realized in that moment was simple. I want relationships with people who love me unconditionally. I want relationships where my emotions are met with patience and care, not irritation.
I do not believe in tough love. The research is very clear that what people call “tough love” is rarely love at all. It is usually just cruelty dressed up as discipline, and scientifically we know that it does not help people grow. It harms them. It erodes safety, trust, and connection.
And I am no longer interested in relationships that require me to endure that.
Sometimes going no contact with someone can be deeply hurtful. It can feel abrupt or confusing, especially if there was a long history between two people. But many times it is not about someone doing something terribly wrong.
Sometimes it simply means that a person has outgrown the relationship.
As people grow and heal, the kinds of relationships that once felt normal no longer fit the person they are becoming. The dynamic might not match their emotional needs anymore, or it may reflect an older version of themselves that they have worked hard to move beyond.
In those cases, going no contact is not always about punishment or blame. Sometimes it is simply about alignment. A quiet recognition that the relationship no longer supports the life or the person someone is growing into.
And while that can still hurt, it does not necessarily mean that either person is bad. It may only mean that two people who once walked the same path are now heading in different directions.
Yes I can see this point of view. I would only add that, if we need to exit without explanation, we still try inwardly to extend kindness or well wishes toward the other person. We can think of them positively and hope that by our decision may it also bring more healing and benefit for them. This way we won’t carry a negative association toward an old friend, even if we’ve outgrown them, or feel there’s no upside (for either person) in ‘talking it out’.
Definitely! No ill will on my part! I know there’s not any on hers either which I should have included.
That was our last conversation.
If I truly loved someone and knew they were suffering, but I reacted viciously in that vulnerable moment instead of giving them the care they needed, I would apologize and try to do better moving forward. What stands out to me now is that there was no repair on her part either, which showed me that I was not valued or appreciated in the same way I would have shown her. Our friendship is simply not compatible anymore. I realized I valued it on a deeper, more patient level than she was capable of giving. She’s a mom and doesn’t have much time for anything, let alone long conversations. I know her well enough to understand that once I am out of sight, I am out of mind. It’s sad after being close for so long, but I also recognize that this is sometimes just how the ADHD brain works. I don’t hold resentment. It’s more sadness than anything else, I suppose.
I’ve gotten closer since November with people I feel are more in alignment with me emotionally lately. It’s nice to be able to show up authentically without fear I’m irritating someone for having big moods right now. Especially in response to the state of the world, which seems, like, for me a natural response to what’s happening around us!
Thanks for this!
Although my situation is different, maybe someone here can relate. Friend break ups are the worst. But, I remind myself these are the most important relationships as women we will ever have. So, there’s bound to be growing pains. The ends don’t have to ruin everything beautiful that happened up until that point. She’s a great mom and she’s a great person in many ways. I’m just realizing patience needs to be a stronger value to me.
I’ll admit to having been a ghoster. It’s been a long time, mostly because I’m at a point where I haven’t needed to remove anyone from my life for a while. My ghosting has always stemmed from my fear of confrontation, and people-pleasing. I always have the hope that they’ll take my silence as a hint that, for whatever reason, we need to part ways and it’s not a relationship that can be saved with conversations that are likely to turn more hurtful than need be. And yes, I’ve been ghosted plenty of times. It does suck. But being spared the confrontation helps, at least for me. I try to take the stance that what others think of me is none of my business. That’s helped me let go.
Thank you for passing along this quote in particular, Rain:
"Trying to change the world without changing our mind is like trying to clean the dirty face we see in the mirror by scrubbing the glass."
You are the queen of finding the meaningful quotations and this one is so stuck in my head now because it's such an excellent visual.
So glad it resonated with you Jane! Tibetan Master Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche is the author of that excellent quote. 🙏🏼
That quote really is phenomenal. We have to change ourselves, not our surroundings if we want real evolution and growth. We can only control ourselves and no one else.
Yes! I always find it really sobering… but so true! And worth exploring and practicing
Ok here is my work-relationship advice question for Rain:
I am in the middle of hiring someone who I learned is an addict in their addiction. I love this person and their work. I have inadvertently employed lots and lots of people who were using while they worked with me but I usually didn't realize - a few times until they wrote books years later that I read and realized why I had thought I must have been off and therefore not connecting with them, never considering that something might be off with them.
When I did realize, I tried to help. (My dad was an addict and I consider myself highly codependent - meaning I want to help every addict I am aware of but my "helping" often isn't.) I really really want to work with this person and ideally support them getting sober through the process. Is this a terrible idea? I feel like I sound really naïve and I'm not that naïve. I have been around a lot of addicts, I have been to meetings myself, but I genuinely don't know what to do right now. I think a lot of people would say to give them an ultimatum that I won't work with them until they are sober, but I also think their work right now while they're in the process of getting sober (I should have explained that this person is actively going to rehab and trying to get sober) could be helpful to a lot of other people. (I understand that their sobriety is the most and only important thing – more than using their story now to help other people.) Thanks if you can help me with any wisdom at all. I'm not doing anything further until I figure out the best path.
By the way, I will take my place in line in terms of reader questions you are already answering, Rain! I just wanted to pass this one along here to add to your queue.
Ok Jane this is an expert level advice columnist question and I’m an amateur at best! The best I can do is ask you a couple questions … is that ok? Then maybe we can talk further once you’ve had a chance to think on it…? Ok the questions… 1 what is your motivation for working with this person? 2 have you tried aligning your motivation with what’s best for them, the magazine and YOU? It’s possible the answer your seeking lives there. In the space where you can be sure the best is assured for all involved. I’m praying you find what’s best and don’t feel conflicted anymore 🙏🏼
Rain, you're the best. And I love the way you work - the back-and-forth like this seems necessary to get to the right advice now and often. OK, my motivation is three pronged. I think I will try to list them in order of their importance to me:
first is that I think it will be a great story for the readers and that they can get a lot of value from it (I pretty much always put the readers first – just like I do my daughter – and always have)
Second is helping this writer get published because she does great work and has a lot to offer and because I genuinely care about her as a person.
Third would be that I think the work will do well for the magazine, meaning plenty of readers and new subscribers, which is always the goal in terms of keeping a reader supported publication alive.
I don't feel like I have a stake in it beyond that, but I do know that I have a strong urge to satisfy all three of those reasons listed above. It's almost like my own addiction and something I really feel good when I can satisfy on all those levels.
One more thing I want to say, which is what prompted me to bring up this question in particular now, is that I am
already running into issues I have dealt with before when addicts have worked with me, which are them not coming through with work that is promised and them wanting money at odd times and via specific payment methods. One example is that on the first day filming my Fox TV talk show "Jane" back in the 90s, a guest was my former boyfriend and he had colluded with my assistant (both were active drug users, which I didn't realize) to get him the cash that we would have spent on a Car Service to pick him up for the show instead of him taking the car. I don't think I realize they were both using until at least a year later, even though it seemed obvious to a lot of people around me. So I don't want to be taken advantage of or spend inordinate amounts of time trying to make it work as I have with Other addicts in the past either – so
that would be another concern.
Thanks for any help you can provide and anyone else who wants to weigh in here also. XO
If you’re already running into issues, where you feel you are being hoodwinked or potentially taken advantage of… well that’s concerning! Maybe in this case it would be skillful to create some boundaries…? I imagine your business managers have a payment protocol yes? For example you could connect said person to them and let them handle that part… ? I can tell that you mean what you said, and you really want to see this through for your audience, for the writer and for the magazine. I hope it resolves so that all of that can happen! I also will share that sometimes, we have to let go completely for the right outcome to be revealed, or for the thing we want to happen to actually happen. That’s easier said than done, but I would have regretted not mentioning it! Now I’m a bit invested in this so please keep me posted! J’adore Jane xxx Rain 🙏🏼
Ms. Pratt! Read the Scorpio rising horoscope for this month that I wrote you. You might laugh out loud. 🤣
Lots of love ❤️
I just reread it and that's wild! I am taking to heart that part about not carrying other people's burdens or trying to fix things for other people. That is life practice for me and I'm so glad you said it! (To me and all Scorpio risings).
I'm going to reread it momentarily and cannot wait! I knew it rang true when I first read it. Thank you!
I've had friends ghost me before and it was weirdly at the same time as the death of my mom. I never got any explanation for it, but I suspect that since I was the "supportive" one in the friendship, they were afraid I might ask for support from them now (I wouldn't.) I mean, I liked the person but I already knew our friendship was a one way street in a lot of ways. I knew it was a snake when I picked it up situation. Sometimes people are just shitty.
But yes, you are correct Rain, it's good to be self aware and do a little inventory of what you might be bringing (or not bringing) to the equation too. Wise words.
Sometimes there isn't a clear reason or answer, sometimes people do things without realizing why. It sucks to have hurt feelings. I recommend petting a domestic animal (dealers choice!) or if you don't have access, spending time befriending a squirrel and naming her Bonanza Jellybean 😉
This is brilliant advice, also! Thank you for that. And also I love the idea of knowing it was a snake when you picked it up. I've always known, but rarely listened to what I knew. But the more years I put in, the more I trust my own instincts about people from the beginning. It works every time.
Thank you! The snake line is so true. I stole it from the brilliant (in my opinion) TV show You're the Worst.
Considering the last article you published by me, I’m not sure you want my opinion on this. 😹 I don’t envy the position you’re in. The fact that they’re in rehab helps. To me, addiction recovery seems like it should be a full-time job and their focus, instead of having the added stress of a new job. Have you talked to them about how they feel about managing their treatment while taking on a new position? Like I said above, you only have control over yourself and no one else. Ultimatums could likely lead to disappointment and resentment. If you hire this person and keep your expectations in check, it could be a positive for everyone involved. I’d move with an abundance of caution, though.
Okay, are you a squirrel lady, too? Because I’m a squirrel lady.
You can ask Bernice (the squirrel who lives in my backyard) if I'm a squirrel lady or not. I also have a colony of woodrats, a possum named Hazel, a Blue Jay, and a family of cardinals. It's pretty bustling in my back yard. That's not even covering the domestic animal situation. 😁
Yes!! I love this! 😹 I have two squirrel feeders in my living room window for the many squirrels, all named Margaret or Fat Betty, except for the one with half a tail whose name is, of course, Stumpy. I think they’re trying to break into my house through the mail slot, and I’ve made peace with that.
And Fat Betty is definitely in the top five of really good squirrel names.
I think most of the Fat Bettys get them name when their pregnant. I change the words to “Black Betty” and sing to them. It’s a little unhinged but makes me happy
Don't tell Bernice, but I suspect that she might in fact be several squirrels, disguised as one. Squirrels breaking in through the mail slot is what I call an "A.P." aka, an "adorable problem."
If it wasn’t for the chaos that would ensue with the dog and cat if squirrels came inside I’d be all for this a.p!
This was a beautiful response, Rain! I'd say that if a person ghosts you, let them go. There are plenty of other people out there who would love to be part of your life!
Jane, as long as the applicant in question is committed to rehab, and is making meaningful progress, you might want to consider him or her if you *really* love their work. I'd make it clear that the job hinges upon them staying "clean," and fulfilling all of their responsibilities, though. If your gut feeling is telling you to be wary, you might want to pass and find someone else.
Thank you for that advice! I really appreciate it. It's exactly what I want to do also so that makes it super easy to follow.
lol a wild squirrel is a perfect recipient for the bonanza Jellybean moniker 💯
This actually happened to me back in November. I had been friends with this person for over twenty years. I had been there through everything. I was even the godmother to their child. We had history, loyalty, and years of shared life together.
Then we got into our first real fight.
They have ADHD, and sometimes they go into these states where they become very angry. When that happens, if I express strong emotions of my own as an autistic person, instead of responding with kindness or trying to soothe the situation, they become irritated with me and direct the anger back at me.
The day after the fight, I noticed something strange. I did not feel the urge to make up. Normally I would feel anxious or compelled to repair things immediately, but this time I did not.
I even wrote a message to send them for closure. But the longer I sat with it, the more I realized something important.
I do not actually owe them anything.
After twenty years, it was as if something inside me simply turned off. I did not feel love. I did not feel hatred. I did not feel the need to defend myself or explain my side. It was like everything I had carried for that friendship quietly disappeared overnight.
And I think the reason is that I have been doing so much work on myself. I have spent years trying to deprogram the relationship patterns I learned growing up, and the kinds of dynamics those patterns pulled into my life.
What I realized in that moment was simple. I want relationships with people who love me unconditionally. I want relationships where my emotions are met with patience and care, not irritation.
I do not believe in tough love. The research is very clear that what people call “tough love” is rarely love at all. It is usually just cruelty dressed up as discipline, and scientifically we know that it does not help people grow. It harms them. It erodes safety, trust, and connection.
And I am no longer interested in relationships that require me to endure that.
Sometimes going no contact with someone can be deeply hurtful. It can feel abrupt or confusing, especially if there was a long history between two people. But many times it is not about someone doing something terribly wrong.
Sometimes it simply means that a person has outgrown the relationship.
As people grow and heal, the kinds of relationships that once felt normal no longer fit the person they are becoming. The dynamic might not match their emotional needs anymore, or it may reflect an older version of themselves that they have worked hard to move beyond.
In those cases, going no contact is not always about punishment or blame. Sometimes it is simply about alignment. A quiet recognition that the relationship no longer supports the life or the person someone is growing into.
And while that can still hurt, it does not necessarily mean that either person is bad. It may only mean that two people who once walked the same path are now heading in different directions.
Lots of love!
Enjoyed this one.
Yes I can see this point of view. I would only add that, if we need to exit without explanation, we still try inwardly to extend kindness or well wishes toward the other person. We can think of them positively and hope that by our decision may it also bring more healing and benefit for them. This way we won’t carry a negative association toward an old friend, even if we’ve outgrown them, or feel there’s no upside (for either person) in ‘talking it out’.
Definitely! No ill will on my part! I know there’s not any on hers either which I should have included.
That was our last conversation.
If I truly loved someone and knew they were suffering, but I reacted viciously in that vulnerable moment instead of giving them the care they needed, I would apologize and try to do better moving forward. What stands out to me now is that there was no repair on her part either, which showed me that I was not valued or appreciated in the same way I would have shown her. Our friendship is simply not compatible anymore. I realized I valued it on a deeper, more patient level than she was capable of giving. She’s a mom and doesn’t have much time for anything, let alone long conversations. I know her well enough to understand that once I am out of sight, I am out of mind. It’s sad after being close for so long, but I also recognize that this is sometimes just how the ADHD brain works. I don’t hold resentment. It’s more sadness than anything else, I suppose.
I’ve gotten closer since November with people I feel are more in alignment with me emotionally lately. It’s nice to be able to show up authentically without fear I’m irritating someone for having big moods right now. Especially in response to the state of the world, which seems, like, for me a natural response to what’s happening around us!
Thanks for this!
Although my situation is different, maybe someone here can relate. Friend break ups are the worst. But, I remind myself these are the most important relationships as women we will ever have. So, there’s bound to be growing pains. The ends don’t have to ruin everything beautiful that happened up until that point. She’s a great mom and she’s a great person in many ways. I’m just realizing patience needs to be a stronger value to me.
I’ll admit to having been a ghoster. It’s been a long time, mostly because I’m at a point where I haven’t needed to remove anyone from my life for a while. My ghosting has always stemmed from my fear of confrontation, and people-pleasing. I always have the hope that they’ll take my silence as a hint that, for whatever reason, we need to part ways and it’s not a relationship that can be saved with conversations that are likely to turn more hurtful than need be. And yes, I’ve been ghosted plenty of times. It does suck. But being spared the confrontation helps, at least for me. I try to take the stance that what others think of me is none of my business. That’s helped me let go.