Random-Ass Menopause Symptom of the Month: Stress Hives

I thought I was way past menopause, but my body said, "Wait, hold my beer." Can anybody explain why I'm experiencing these bizarre, unfamiliar symptoms?

I am no stranger to skin eruptions. In my 20s, I caught chickenpox at the campus library while studying for my final exams (so nice of the administration to tell us that contagion was running amok in the stacks, but anywho). I wound up quarantined in the college infirmary for days. 

In my 30s, I was suddenly stricken with adult acne, the kind that covered my forehead, cheeks, and chin with painful pimple clusters no amount of makeup was going to mask. It was so bad that one of my female bosses, however inappropriately, gifted me a free facial with her favorite aesthetician. (I was so embarrassed/insulted by her act of “kindness” that I sat in her office squirming/seething inside while politely accepting her advice. I knew I would NEVER use it.)

Somehow I escaped my 40s unscathed, but I had a lot of restoration to do, between the hyperpigmentation, uneven skin tone, and my self-consciousness about my ravaged skin.

But guess what: my late 50s said, “Wait a minute–hold my beer!” I mean, as if going through menopause isn’t painful enough–and let me tell you, that’s plenty, and I blame and shame our ancestors for not telling us how agonizing this shit is.

But I digress.

Among the many random-ass situations I’ve been through, I’m suddenly waking up with skin afflictions of the third kind, only these unidentified objects don’t fly–they multiply.

I was in the middle of a prolonged job search that wasn’t going all that well (including waiting on a gig with this precise publication that didn’t materialize for an entire effen year) [I am so sorry. I was working on it the whole time. And having hormonal/stress eye styes .– Jane], so to say I was stressed would be an understatement. But the weird thing is, I didn’t feel stressed. I didn’t have anxiety attacks (which I’ve had before), feel irritable (which is a daily occupation during menopause), or even deep-clean my apartment for the upteenth time (yeah, I’ll get to that one in another essay someday).

I just woke up with what looked like large round reddish welts and small mosquito bites all along my elbows, knees, and chest area. And the shit itched like crazy! I thought maybe I was having a bad reaction to the pork spare ribs I had purchased at the farmer’s market and eaten the night before. Perhaps they used some kind of preservative I’m allergic to. But when the next day came around and my skin condition seemed to become even more pronounced, then I got scared.

So I did like any other hypochondriac with no health insurance would do: I ran a Google search–and not just on my symptoms. I needed visuals and images that showed me the difference between eczema, psoriasis, and whatever it was I had. After a few agonizing minutes, I had my self-diagnosis: stress hives.

All this, and I’m ashy too? What is life!

Once I finally had a clue about what the welts actually were, it seemed like the itching amplified. I tried Neosporin. Nothing. I tried Calamine lotion. It helped, but it also left my bed sheets looking like a watercolor painting dappled with pink streaks. I took a long oatmeal bath followed by some soothing oil, aptly named Soothing Oil. That helped kinda,sorta, if for no other reason than both the Mambino Organics bath powder and oil made me calm the fuck down!

My last resort was paying a visit to my parent’s house. My mom tends to say she’s had every ailment one could ever have (see where I get it from?) so I figured I’d let her weigh in. As soon as I saw her and pointed out my skin lesions, she recoiled at first (which kinda hurt my feelings a little bit), but then she said, “Oh yes, I’ve had that. You know what that is, right?” I said, “Is it stress hives?” She said, “Yep, that’s it. Only mine didn’t go away; they turned into eczema.”

At that point, I was wondering why I thought it was a good idea to go see my folks, because it only increased my stress levels, which is what brought on these symptoms in the first place. My last ditch effort? I ordered some Allegra Hives medication from Amazon Prime for overnight delivery and bought some cortisone cream, which made me look ashy but at least I wasn’t pink.

Outcome: the welts and bites went away after about five days of my home remedy. But I still keep checking my elbows, knees, etc. to make sure this particular scourge of satan doesn’t come back. The sad thing is, it just might if I don’t find some other ways to manage my stress. I definitely could use some help with that one.