Oh Celia, I have so much to say that I know I will be back here a couple of times in these comments, so be forewarned.
4 things right off the top:
1) thank you thank you thank you
2) your husband's face is the kindest, and the two of you look alike in the way that some of the best couples ever do
3) I'm so so sorry for your loss
4) the part about being vulnerable without the shield of a man hit me really hard. I've never had a husband or shield in that way, but I learned from this that the way society pushes that concept as a necessity for women must make it much harder to have had it and lost it than never to have had it at all.
Thank you Jane. I didn’t marry for a protector. And I hadn’t thought of myself as vulnerable, until it was made clear to me that men (not “all men” but plenty) and some women saw me that way. Dave was one of the top Audi salesmen in Canada because women trusted him. He was respectful and thoughtful and actually listened. Also, he was a political refugee, and fought for democracy in his country, was a young leader until he had to flee. So even when he was physically weak, unable to speak, was essentially paralyzed (it’s such an awful disease) he had this type of quiet power. He could lower his eyebrows and silence an argument. The situation with the neighbor would have been a couple of minutes of complaining, followed by beers and laughter. And he would have never yelled at me. It wouldn’t have occurred to him to treat me with disrespect when David was alive.
Another one from me just to say that these comments are FASCINATING. I have learned so much and thank you for being right in here without me even having to bug you, Celia (as other writers here can attest, I do annoy about this!), and being so open to conversation and giving us much more to think about.
I don't judge Erika Kirk for how she grieves. I judge her for using her husband's death and his exceedingly hateful rhetoric to keep the money train rolling.
I'm pretty dumbfounded that women in a relationship somehow view a widow as a threat to them. I don't know this for certain, but I'm willing to bet that men don't view a widower as a threat. I suppose it goes to that whole societal expectation that men have to fill the "provider" role, even if both people in the relationship have careers. Either way, it's idiotic.
It’s off the concept of the lonely, helpless woman trope. Even in grief, her needs must be met. But then maybe a double-blind trope in that a man can’t resist a sad women, or want to heal her pain. It has been written far too many times in books and movies that the only way a woman can relieve her grief is by having sex with a man “just to feel something besides pain.” Or maybe it’s just in every season of Outlander?
It’s often problematic and sometimes troubling so. there’s a lot of sexual violence. And sometimes it is sexy. It can be more female-gaze centric, though not as much as it gets credit for imo.
Interesting. I think a lot of media that gets credit for being feminist in some way falls into that same category of being way less deserving of the label than it gets. My other example for that – which I also have not seen and don't want to – is the Barbie movie.
I was surprised by the rapturous response to Barbie, especially by feminist friends. But it did teach my youngest son what patriarchy is when he was 10, so that was useful. I watched it on a plane and it was fine.
Erika Kirk is whatever. She was the first to put herself in a place to judge everyone else, her husband the king of using religion to entrap college students vulnerable minds in the scholarly questions of: should I be more racist, more misogynistic, while also less kind to people who disagree in the name of Jesus in a performative way that made millions. Like Vance, CK started out greatly disagreeing with Trump. But money seduced. And they both became whores (Vance only becoming a Christian in 2019, at the insistence of Peter Theil in a “how to be more palliatively political” makeover by pure evil.
What that has to do with Erika- her unclear history with Trump through Miss Universe is unknown, but does cause me pause this circle is too jerked.
But what we do know is this trio used each other to spread division, malicious rhetoric, and have earned skepticism at whatever comes out of her mouth in the name of religion. That’s so shit. Honestly.
What this has to do with your article is nothing. Perhaps you still feel judged. Perhaps you want to forgive Kirk in a way others didn’t for you.
You had 2 years to prepare for the loss of your husband.
She had 2 minutes.
And yet, she uses this time to promote her husband as a crossover into her new business ventures? She sells merch at his funeral?
We’ve all been to an Irish funeral. This isn’t that. This is proganda.
That’s just what I see, as someone who knew nothing about these people until I saw him get shot in my phone. And then j said - oh my God! THAT is who Cartman was imitating on South Park and just kept scrolling.
But then I wasn’t given the option to opt out of the performative outrage that followed.
And it was massive bullshit. So I don’t judge her widowhood, I judge her as a person because I guess I’m forced to by algorithms or my patriotic stance, or Jesus? I’m not sure - why ARE these people important? Anyway. Not being a fan of religion because of its destructive nature (insert irony here) I see her as someone who is with Trump instead of home with her kids that just lost their dad.
There’s got to be a part of you that sees the difference between a booby blue dress, and pyrotechnics during the eulogy.
I was once told I deserved to die because I smoked. By the doctor. Treating my lung cancer. So he didn’t treat it. My mother-in-law died of lung cancer, doctor sighed and said - these damn smokers. (She didn’t smoke). There is absolutely nothing we can do to harness people’s opinions about us, other than live our lives the way we want, because people are going to color it however they want regardless.
But in writing this, I realize I don’t question how she’s performing in widowhood. I flat out don’t believe she loved that guy. So. There’s that I suppose.
It’s fascinating to me how many people are absolutely convinced she didn’t love her husband. Why? On what evidence? I don’t think we ever know the truth about anyone’s marriage. We just project our experiences and assumptions. Perhaps I’m assuming she loved her husband because I loved mine. But widow/ers should be granted grace to grieve even after troubled marriages (think Kennedys). I can’t say I thought about either Kirk before the assassination, but the way she was immediately attacked as a faker and performer and whore is striking. Grifter, yes. But performing grief doesn’t make it fake. It’s how you get through the day. I don’t like her business, but I certainly understand her need to stay busy.
I’m basing my opinion on working in and around cancer, and having lived 52 years and if just ONE person acts so completely different than all the rest? I’m going to think something is up. So my evidence is dealing with widows on a weekly basis. And the 40 years before that.
Which is a huge pool.
I think you’re so anxious to prove there is a rainbow of grief it’s perhaps made you biased. I’m sure she wants to keep busy. Dead husband - yuck - who wants to deal with that.
That still doesn’t tell us why she’s not with her kids. Is she doing a progressive ‘nanny grieves with the children while mommy is out?’
Or maybe I just find, as a woman, that it would be hard to love a man who made a living making my look like a pet, not his equal, not as smart, and just accessory.
Yesssssss! I have Purple and Pickle - dogs/superheroes. I’m into naming things after colors as a side effect of being an artist. When my husband refused to have a dog named Green (I ruled that fair, just so I can one day have a Yellow) that’s when the properly color-coded foods came in. That cat? Very a very melon colored baby…
I’m sad to have missed your political assessment but I am mentally high-fiving you from a little further down the road in NY. 🫸🏻🧠 🧠 🫷🏻 (logistics of the mental high-fivery.)
I love this and I love both of those names, Purple and Pickle. I also like Yellow because that's my aura color. When I think of Yellow for a pet,I think of a dog from some old movie "Old Yeller" which could also be funny and cute for this little kitty.
To which I will add the name Orange, because trying to rhyme it will so awkward.
“Trying to put me down like Old Yeller” is a line in my book because I thought it so much that year, in various stages of incredulity to cynicism. My husband changed it to middle-age yeller which explains so much about us.
Disgusted to learn widows also get the “husband stealer?” looks I get as a single mom
Jane et al, please go off about election feelings. I feel tired from getting excited while also continuing to be extremely scared of Nazis….its the most exhausting elation ever.
Exhausting elation is the best description for my post election state too. I've never been a person who waits for the other shoe to drop but this administration has made me worried and wary like that.
Yes, almost instantly, regardless of our age or how happy we were in our marriage. It's really shocking. Immediate side-eye, and then the invitations disappear. I'm grateful for the friends that have stuck with me.
I want to read this but I am at my absolute limit for Erika Kirk stuff. I I get the news peg, but come on this woman is terrible and this writer isn’t so I’m just gonna not weigh in and whatever /- widows gonna do whatever they wanna do and should. BUT Erika Kirk is so much more than a widow. She’s a terrible human and that’s that.
I was going to say this to Gina in her comment also but I have been mercifully spared from all of this Erika Kirk stuff. I think I was so busy with other things as it was happening that I vaguely heard about it but had not seen any of these images until going to research for this piece. And now I'm sure I have fucked that up and will be fed Erika Kirk up the wazoo from here on.
I don’t blame you. I read one article which was weirdly about her hair and then the algorithm kept feeding me others. It’s like the Royals. You click on one Tina Brown article on Andrew and then all you see Royal family stuff. Ugh. I dealt with reaching my limit on E Kirk by writing about it.
Omg, Jane - what a cutie pie kitty!!! 😻 He's so lucky to have a wonderful home with you and he deserves an extra special name!
When someone is hateful, invested in removing the rights of others, and disenfranchising their own gender, it's easy to take any opportunity to lash out at them. But the author is right: if only an ill-advised pair of leather pants was the only reason to criticize this woman!
There are many excellent, legit reasons to criticize her. I can't tell you how many "feminist analyses" I read of her IG memorial posts - mostly about her hair, nails, and eyeliner. All playing into the patriarchal playbook. She might make it easy, but we shouldn't fall for it.
You mention several times The golden word to describe why a widower is not being monitored for perceived sluttiness: PATRIARCHY
Super sad to see some of the other familiar vulnerabilities from being a single mom mentioned here….such as a neighbor who will verbally attack with no man around.
An unattended female signals a female body lacking a chaperone—-clearly a target for regulation and control.
I moved from Texas at 17 (I’ve been in Canada since 2003), but I can see the disparity between purity culture and crotch-skimming homecoming “dresses” every year on facebook. That’s what I thought about when I saw her leather pants.
I am so very lucky that my community was very supportive and never went unhinged on me. Yes, I got the usual "be strong" language but nothing that would have made me go off. Anyway, death and grief make people do weird weird things.
Very weird! What was your weirdest experience? Mine was an insurance “help” desk guy who said, “I know he’s dead but I need his authorization.” Poor kid. They’re trained by bots to act like bots. I might write on death paperwork hell sometime.
That is exactly how I described it. Eventually I resolved it through my role as executor. Literally, “I’m Celia Cain, the executor you see named in your paperwork. I give you permission to speak to David’s widow, that’s also me, Celia Cain.” he had to check with his supervisor, but eventually it was allowed.
Just all sorts of unhinged advice from more distant relatives. I've just dumped all their advice and ran with the actual solid advice and shoulders of my immediate circle.
You know what’s similar but I think worse than that, when they say, God only gives you what you can handle. Ergo, you can be strong. As if you wouldn’t be in this situation if you were weaker. 🙄 I’m not convinced anyone believes that, but people say the strangest things.
I mean, it is from a good hearted place but I don't think a lot of people know what they are actually saying. What would have been awesome? Tell me about your mom, dad, Steve. They sound like awesome people. Be prepared for tears or not. We just lost people we loved, of course we are in shock.
I’m happy his suffering is over, but I can still be angry and sad that he’s gone. I’ve had plenty of people who tell me they know just how I feel because their cat died a few months ago. Or maybe a grandparent. And there was one lady who told me how lucky I was that my husband was dead. She still had to deal with her nasty ex. And everyone knows that being divorced is so much worse. I have a theory that death makes people unhinged. Not the people right in the middle, dealing with it, but people who have to talk to them.
They certainly sound unhinged! My lord. The only thing I remember being a weird/bad condolence when my dad died suddenly was a sobbing friend who wouldn't stop sobbing and saying how hard it was for her that she didn't know how to help me. I kept thinking, well this is not the way to help me so let's start there. But your examples are far less sensitive, even!
that happened to my friend when she lost her husband. Her mum couldn't stop crying for the first while and so her new part-time job became comforting her mum over the loss of her own husband.
I can understand that her mum felt her pain, and was sad for her, and she had also lost her son-in-law. But how unfortunate she chose to deal with her grief by putting it on her daughter. I was surprised by who did this and who managed to emotionally regulate in front of me. My aunt told me my cousin had wept for 2 days when she heard about Dave’s diagnosis. I know my aunt was trying to express how much we were loved, but my cousin made sure she never brought that energy into our interactions and I wish her mom had respected that.
It’s really hard to deal with other people’s feelings. And it’s amazing how many people make it about them.
I see energy as colors—that’s the way my brain processes it—and when people found out Dave was sick, I could see shock-sadness-relief that it’s not them or one of their loved ones-guilt for feeling that. Almost always in that order. It’s a lot of emotions to throw on you. The most important lesson I learned in caregiving was to have someone you trust who wants to help act as a filter and handle all the family and friends communication. So you only have one person to tell and you don’t have a bunch of loving but exhausting relatives asking for fb updates.
That is the best advice to have that designated intermediary. I'm also slack jawed over what you were/are able to see in people's reactions. That's both fascinating and a lot for you, I can imagine.
Celia, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m traveling and haven’t had the time or focus I want to give your writing, but I’ll be back soon. I’m very interested in what you have to say.
GOSH. Jane, I'm sorry, but I'm sending my name for the new cat here. I am not a fan of Grits. How about Kash Patel, or just Kash (in God we trust, all others pay Kash.) Or, how 'bout, "Yo quiero Taco Bell? Nickname can be Taco or Bell. My motivation: It's the eyes in the poster photo. Kind of Kash Eyes in all those hearings on the Hill (My mom says that one of his aides is sticking a finger up his ass-sorry horrible visual.). Or, the chihuahua in those old TB commercials. I'm not saying he's on crack or anything.
I am dying laughing over this comment. You get the make me fall over guffawing prize for today. And I love that you hate my name suggestion. I hate your taco Bell idea right back, but Kash Patel is good! I doubt my daughter will go for it but let me ask...
I’m sorry for your loss and by no means disagree with you regarding this subject but the outrage wasn’t about the leather trousers ,it was the way she hugged Vance , the fingers grasping the back of his head with her fingers through his hair. Not appropriate .
Why is it that sometimes women can be so unempathetic ( is that a word) towards each other?
Anyway, my cat is named Stoli Blue cause he is part Russian Blue. I like Grits for your cat but it’s not completely unique. Maybe think about Pecan ( for his coloring) or Beignet ( for his sweetness)?
That Grits isn't original makes me want to nix it all together. I didn't realize that. None of our pet names have been unoriginal so far and even when I was naming my daughter I made sure to pick a name that was not ranked high for baby names that year. I really dislike unoriginal or trendy! Back to the drawing board!
Jane! You’ve been blessed with an orange gremlin! Orange cats are a special breed of chaos and I love them. My orange man is Woody. Did he make an appearance at book club? I can’t remember. He LOVES Zoom and FaceTime calls. Your boy is definitely Grits! Full name: Cheese Grits Pratt. I love him!
Cheese Grits Pratt is so good!!!!! You not only approving of Grits, but adding to the formula makes my day! Our cats have to meet over the next book club zoom!
These are some awesome NC names!! Cheerwine! Moon pie! Lance! Reading them Out loud is bringing back my entire childhood and making me so sentimental, I love it. The only one I've never heard is livermush. Is that a real thing? Thank you so so much for these thoughtful ideas!
PS My friend who was a school teacher in Georgia had a student named Pepsi. Apparently, that name wasn't uncommon.
Yeah, livermush is a real thing. Apparently it’s like scrapple and not something I would ever want to try. I saw it on menus in diner type places around Charlotte when I lived there almost 20 years ago
Oh Celia, I have so much to say that I know I will be back here a couple of times in these comments, so be forewarned.
4 things right off the top:
1) thank you thank you thank you
2) your husband's face is the kindest, and the two of you look alike in the way that some of the best couples ever do
3) I'm so so sorry for your loss
4) the part about being vulnerable without the shield of a man hit me really hard. I've never had a husband or shield in that way, but I learned from this that the way society pushes that concept as a necessity for women must make it much harder to have had it and lost it than never to have had it at all.
Thank you Jane. I didn’t marry for a protector. And I hadn’t thought of myself as vulnerable, until it was made clear to me that men (not “all men” but plenty) and some women saw me that way. Dave was one of the top Audi salesmen in Canada because women trusted him. He was respectful and thoughtful and actually listened. Also, he was a political refugee, and fought for democracy in his country, was a young leader until he had to flee. So even when he was physically weak, unable to speak, was essentially paralyzed (it’s such an awful disease) he had this type of quiet power. He could lower his eyebrows and silence an argument. The situation with the neighbor would have been a couple of minutes of complaining, followed by beers and laughter. And he would have never yelled at me. It wouldn’t have occurred to him to treat me with disrespect when David was alive.
I love love love learning this about David. I can imagine those lowered eyebrows that you describe just perfectly.
Another one from me just to say that these comments are FASCINATING. I have learned so much and thank you for being right in here without me even having to bug you, Celia (as other writers here can attest, I do annoy about this!), and being so open to conversation and giving us much more to think about.
I don't judge Erika Kirk for how she grieves. I judge her for using her husband's death and his exceedingly hateful rhetoric to keep the money train rolling.
I'm pretty dumbfounded that women in a relationship somehow view a widow as a threat to them. I don't know this for certain, but I'm willing to bet that men don't view a widower as a threat. I suppose it goes to that whole societal expectation that men have to fill the "provider" role, even if both people in the relationship have careers. Either way, it's idiotic.
It’s off the concept of the lonely, helpless woman trope. Even in grief, her needs must be met. But then maybe a double-blind trope in that a man can’t resist a sad women, or want to heal her pain. It has been written far too many times in books and movies that the only way a woman can relieve her grief is by having sex with a man “just to feel something besides pain.” Or maybe it’s just in every season of Outlander?
It is in every season of Outlander.
Maybe that's a good reason for me not to watch it? (I haven't so far.)
It’s often problematic and sometimes troubling so. there’s a lot of sexual violence. And sometimes it is sexy. It can be more female-gaze centric, though not as much as it gets credit for imo.
Interesting. I think a lot of media that gets credit for being feminist in some way falls into that same category of being way less deserving of the label than it gets. My other example for that – which I also have not seen and don't want to – is the Barbie movie.
I was surprised by the rapturous response to Barbie, especially by feminist friends. But it did teach my youngest son what patriarchy is when he was 10, so that was useful. I watched it on a plane and it was fine.
OMG. 🙄
I love this response from you
That cat is Melon. Maybe Cantaloupe.
Erika Kirk is whatever. She was the first to put herself in a place to judge everyone else, her husband the king of using religion to entrap college students vulnerable minds in the scholarly questions of: should I be more racist, more misogynistic, while also less kind to people who disagree in the name of Jesus in a performative way that made millions. Like Vance, CK started out greatly disagreeing with Trump. But money seduced. And they both became whores (Vance only becoming a Christian in 2019, at the insistence of Peter Theil in a “how to be more palliatively political” makeover by pure evil.
What that has to do with Erika- her unclear history with Trump through Miss Universe is unknown, but does cause me pause this circle is too jerked.
But what we do know is this trio used each other to spread division, malicious rhetoric, and have earned skepticism at whatever comes out of her mouth in the name of religion. That’s so shit. Honestly.
What this has to do with your article is nothing. Perhaps you still feel judged. Perhaps you want to forgive Kirk in a way others didn’t for you.
You had 2 years to prepare for the loss of your husband.
She had 2 minutes.
And yet, she uses this time to promote her husband as a crossover into her new business ventures? She sells merch at his funeral?
We’ve all been to an Irish funeral. This isn’t that. This is proganda.
That’s just what I see, as someone who knew nothing about these people until I saw him get shot in my phone. And then j said - oh my God! THAT is who Cartman was imitating on South Park and just kept scrolling.
But then I wasn’t given the option to opt out of the performative outrage that followed.
And it was massive bullshit. So I don’t judge her widowhood, I judge her as a person because I guess I’m forced to by algorithms or my patriotic stance, or Jesus? I’m not sure - why ARE these people important? Anyway. Not being a fan of religion because of its destructive nature (insert irony here) I see her as someone who is with Trump instead of home with her kids that just lost their dad.
There’s got to be a part of you that sees the difference between a booby blue dress, and pyrotechnics during the eulogy.
I was once told I deserved to die because I smoked. By the doctor. Treating my lung cancer. So he didn’t treat it. My mother-in-law died of lung cancer, doctor sighed and said - these damn smokers. (She didn’t smoke). There is absolutely nothing we can do to harness people’s opinions about us, other than live our lives the way we want, because people are going to color it however they want regardless.
But in writing this, I realize I don’t question how she’s performing in widowhood. I flat out don’t believe she loved that guy. So. There’s that I suppose.
It’s fascinating to me how many people are absolutely convinced she didn’t love her husband. Why? On what evidence? I don’t think we ever know the truth about anyone’s marriage. We just project our experiences and assumptions. Perhaps I’m assuming she loved her husband because I loved mine. But widow/ers should be granted grace to grieve even after troubled marriages (think Kennedys). I can’t say I thought about either Kirk before the assassination, but the way she was immediately attacked as a faker and performer and whore is striking. Grifter, yes. But performing grief doesn’t make it fake. It’s how you get through the day. I don’t like her business, but I certainly understand her need to stay busy.
I’m basing my opinion on working in and around cancer, and having lived 52 years and if just ONE person acts so completely different than all the rest? I’m going to think something is up. So my evidence is dealing with widows on a weekly basis. And the 40 years before that.
Which is a huge pool.
I think you’re so anxious to prove there is a rainbow of grief it’s perhaps made you biased. I’m sure she wants to keep busy. Dead husband - yuck - who wants to deal with that.
That still doesn’t tell us why she’s not with her kids. Is she doing a progressive ‘nanny grieves with the children while mommy is out?’
Or maybe I just find, as a woman, that it would be hard to love a man who made a living making my look like a pet, not his equal, not as smart, and just accessory.
But I’m pretty picky that way.
Melon and Canteloupe are both good!!! plus I love to eat them. Thank you so much! Those are going on the top of the list
Yesssssss! I have Purple and Pickle - dogs/superheroes. I’m into naming things after colors as a side effect of being an artist. When my husband refused to have a dog named Green (I ruled that fair, just so I can one day have a Yellow) that’s when the properly color-coded foods came in. That cat? Very a very melon colored baby…
I’m sad to have missed your political assessment but I am mentally high-fiving you from a little further down the road in NY. 🫸🏻🧠 🧠 🫷🏻 (logistics of the mental high-fivery.)
I love this and I love both of those names, Purple and Pickle. I also like Yellow because that's my aura color. When I think of Yellow for a pet,I think of a dog from some old movie "Old Yeller" which could also be funny and cute for this little kitty.
To which I will add the name Orange, because trying to rhyme it will so awkward.
“Trying to put me down like Old Yeller” is a line in my book because I thought it so much that year, in various stages of incredulity to cynicism. My husband changed it to middle-age yeller which explains so much about us.
Orange rules! And here will be my tattoos if so, all in a row, in this order of pets:
🎈🍋🌻🥪🍊
Let's see what my daughter Charlotte says because it's more her cat than mine. I'll push for it though. Thanks!
I’d push the Taylor Swift Orange more than the presidential Orange. Regardless, it’s been the year of the Orange 🍊!
“Grief isn’t a contest.”
Disgusted to learn widows also get the “husband stealer?” looks I get as a single mom
Jane et al, please go off about election feelings. I feel tired from getting excited while also continuing to be extremely scared of Nazis….its the most exhausting elation ever.
Exhausting elation is the best description for my post election state too. I've never been a person who waits for the other shoe to drop but this administration has made me worried and wary like that.
Yes, almost instantly, regardless of our age or how happy we were in our marriage. It's really shocking. Immediate side-eye, and then the invitations disappear. I'm grateful for the friends that have stuck with me.
I want to read this but I am at my absolute limit for Erika Kirk stuff. I I get the news peg, but come on this woman is terrible and this writer isn’t so I’m just gonna not weigh in and whatever /- widows gonna do whatever they wanna do and should. BUT Erika Kirk is so much more than a widow. She’s a terrible human and that’s that.
I was going to say this to Gina in her comment also but I have been mercifully spared from all of this Erika Kirk stuff. I think I was so busy with other things as it was happening that I vaguely heard about it but had not seen any of these images until going to research for this piece. And now I'm sure I have fucked that up and will be fed Erika Kirk up the wazoo from here on.
I’d say sorry, but you’d think it’s an American sorry, when it’s a Canadian Sore-ry.
I don’t blame you. I read one article which was weirdly about her hair and then the algorithm kept feeding me others. It’s like the Royals. You click on one Tina Brown article on Andrew and then all you see Royal family stuff. Ugh. I dealt with reaching my limit on E Kirk by writing about it.
Exactly.
Omg, Jane - what a cutie pie kitty!!! 😻 He's so lucky to have a wonderful home with you and he deserves an extra special name!
When someone is hateful, invested in removing the rights of others, and disenfranchising their own gender, it's easy to take any opportunity to lash out at them. But the author is right: if only an ill-advised pair of leather pants was the only reason to criticize this woman!
Thanks for this whole comment and for your sweet praise of new kitty's cuteness!
There are many excellent, legit reasons to criticize her. I can't tell you how many "feminist analyses" I read of her IG memorial posts - mostly about her hair, nails, and eyeliner. All playing into the patriarchal playbook. She might make it easy, but we shouldn't fall for it.
You mention several times The golden word to describe why a widower is not being monitored for perceived sluttiness: PATRIARCHY
Super sad to see some of the other familiar vulnerabilities from being a single mom mentioned here….such as a neighbor who will verbally attack with no man around.
An unattended female signals a female body lacking a chaperone—-clearly a target for regulation and control.
Absolutely!
I like her mourning period tight pants. Does make u wonder what the hell MAGA has cooked up for their chosen optics
I moved from Texas at 17 (I’ve been in Canada since 2003), but I can see the disparity between purity culture and crotch-skimming homecoming “dresses” every year on facebook. That’s what I thought about when I saw her leather pants.
I am so very lucky that my community was very supportive and never went unhinged on me. Yes, I got the usual "be strong" language but nothing that would have made me go off. Anyway, death and grief make people do weird weird things.
Very weird! What was your weirdest experience? Mine was an insurance “help” desk guy who said, “I know he’s dead but I need his authorization.” Poor kid. They’re trained by bots to act like bots. I might write on death paperwork hell sometime.
I would be really interested in that story if you do write it. See how greedy I am?
That's some seriously Kafkaesque shit.
That is exactly how I described it. Eventually I resolved it through my role as executor. Literally, “I’m Celia Cain, the executor you see named in your paperwork. I give you permission to speak to David’s widow, that’s also me, Celia Cain.” he had to check with his supervisor, but eventually it was allowed.
That’s a scene in a very dark comedy.
Yes, it is!
Just all sorts of unhinged advice from more distant relatives. I've just dumped all their advice and ran with the actual solid advice and shoulders of my immediate circle.
You know what’s similar but I think worse than that, when they say, God only gives you what you can handle. Ergo, you can be strong. As if you wouldn’t be in this situation if you were weaker. 🙄 I’m not convinced anyone believes that, but people say the strangest things.
I *hate* that. Or he's in a better place like _I_ wasn't good enough. Ugh. My therapist has heard all this from me.
Also, Cheryl and Celia having a conversation about this here makes my night. Thank you both for educating the rest of us who don't know.
This has never occurred to me. Thanks for the enlightenment and yes that's a horrible message!!
I mean, it is from a good hearted place but I don't think a lot of people know what they are actually saying. What would have been awesome? Tell me about your mom, dad, Steve. They sound like awesome people. Be prepared for tears or not. We just lost people we loved, of course we are in shock.
I’m happy his suffering is over, but I can still be angry and sad that he’s gone. I’ve had plenty of people who tell me they know just how I feel because their cat died a few months ago. Or maybe a grandparent. And there was one lady who told me how lucky I was that my husband was dead. She still had to deal with her nasty ex. And everyone knows that being divorced is so much worse. I have a theory that death makes people unhinged. Not the people right in the middle, dealing with it, but people who have to talk to them.
They certainly sound unhinged! My lord. The only thing I remember being a weird/bad condolence when my dad died suddenly was a sobbing friend who wouldn't stop sobbing and saying how hard it was for her that she didn't know how to help me. I kept thinking, well this is not the way to help me so let's start there. But your examples are far less sensitive, even!
that happened to my friend when she lost her husband. Her mum couldn't stop crying for the first while and so her new part-time job became comforting her mum over the loss of her own husband.
I can understand that her mum felt her pain, and was sad for her, and she had also lost her son-in-law. But how unfortunate she chose to deal with her grief by putting it on her daughter. I was surprised by who did this and who managed to emotionally regulate in front of me. My aunt told me my cousin had wept for 2 days when she heard about Dave’s diagnosis. I know my aunt was trying to express how much we were loved, but my cousin made sure she never brought that energy into our interactions and I wish her mom had respected that.
It’s really hard to deal with other people’s feelings. And it’s amazing how many people make it about them.
I see energy as colors—that’s the way my brain processes it—and when people found out Dave was sick, I could see shock-sadness-relief that it’s not them or one of their loved ones-guilt for feeling that. Almost always in that order. It’s a lot of emotions to throw on you. The most important lesson I learned in caregiving was to have someone you trust who wants to help act as a filter and handle all the family and friends communication. So you only have one person to tell and you don’t have a bunch of loving but exhausting relatives asking for fb updates.
That is the best advice to have that designated intermediary. I'm also slack jawed over what you were/are able to see in people's reactions. That's both fascinating and a lot for you, I can imagine.
Oh so many unhinged distant relatives I haven’t talked to since 1986 somehow feel that they have something to say to me.
I feel like it is a recurring theme in my life whenever someone close to me died. Be strong. You're so strong. I wanted to yell.
Celia, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m traveling and haven’t had the time or focus I want to give your writing, but I’ll be back soon. I’m very interested in what you have to say.
Thanks Robin! I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
GOSH. Jane, I'm sorry, but I'm sending my name for the new cat here. I am not a fan of Grits. How about Kash Patel, or just Kash (in God we trust, all others pay Kash.) Or, how 'bout, "Yo quiero Taco Bell? Nickname can be Taco or Bell. My motivation: It's the eyes in the poster photo. Kind of Kash Eyes in all those hearings on the Hill (My mom says that one of his aides is sticking a finger up his ass-sorry horrible visual.). Or, the chihuahua in those old TB commercials. I'm not saying he's on crack or anything.
I am dying laughing over this comment. You get the make me fall over guffawing prize for today. And I love that you hate my name suggestion. I hate your taco Bell idea right back, but Kash Patel is good! I doubt my daughter will go for it but let me ask...
I’m sorry for your loss and by no means disagree with you regarding this subject but the outrage wasn’t about the leather trousers ,it was the way she hugged Vance , the fingers grasping the back of his head with her fingers through his hair. Not appropriate .
I love the alternate viewpoint here. Thank you, Jude!
Name Cat
Front Line!
Ooh thank you! Origin?
Why is it that sometimes women can be so unempathetic ( is that a word) towards each other?
Anyway, my cat is named Stoli Blue cause he is part Russian Blue. I like Grits for your cat but it’s not completely unique. Maybe think about Pecan ( for his coloring) or Beignet ( for his sweetness)?
That Grits isn't original makes me want to nix it all together. I didn't realize that. None of our pet names have been unoriginal so far and even when I was naming my daughter I made sure to pick a name that was not ranked high for baby names that year. I really dislike unoriginal or trendy! Back to the drawing board!
I vote for "Cinnamon," but Jeff, my fiance, votes for "Tiger." BTW, our adorable guinea pig is named "Charlotte!"
I love the idea of Charlotte for a guinea pig and if it is anything like mine, that is a super smart and creative guinea pig!
Both Cinammon and Tiger are excellent and I'm adding them to the list. Tiger is especially funny for this little cutie. Thanks to you and your fiancé!
Jane! You’ve been blessed with an orange gremlin! Orange cats are a special breed of chaos and I love them. My orange man is Woody. Did he make an appearance at book club? I can’t remember. He LOVES Zoom and FaceTime calls. Your boy is definitely Grits! Full name: Cheese Grits Pratt. I love him!
Cheese Grits Pratt is so good!!!!! You not only approving of Grits, but adding to the formula makes my day! Our cats have to meet over the next book club zoom!
I mean, he’s orange so … Cheese! Seeing another cat on Zoom will blow Woody’s tiny little mind. Let’s make that happen!
I unsuccessfully lived in NC for a few years. Accordingly, here are names that come time to my mind for your kitten, Jane:
Moon Pie
Cheerwine
Lance
Livermush (not really, but it did pop in there)
These are some awesome NC names!! Cheerwine! Moon pie! Lance! Reading them Out loud is bringing back my entire childhood and making me so sentimental, I love it. The only one I've never heard is livermush. Is that a real thing? Thank you so so much for these thoughtful ideas!
PS My friend who was a school teacher in Georgia had a student named Pepsi. Apparently, that name wasn't uncommon.
Happy birthday, Jane!
Yeah, livermush is a real thing. Apparently it’s like scrapple and not something I would ever want to try. I saw it on menus in diner type places around Charlotte when I lived there almost 20 years ago