A study compared brain scans of entrepreneurs who’d lost a business to those of parents who’d lost a child. They found the same kind of footprint in both.
Jianna, thank you for your sharing your story. Your place sounds super dreamy and you have encouraged me to wander down the street later and buy something from my local bookstore. Also, I have been laid off from jobs that I was not passionate about and even still there was grief — loss of routine, loss of purpose, loss of identity and loss of the people I loved working with, those are all very real things so adding the loss of a Dream on top...it's no wonder you still have strong feelings! Proud of you for having the courage to try in the first place...most of us will only ever wonder "what if"...
Stefanie, thank you for the kind words. It was so dreamy! Hope you had fun at your local bookstore yesterday.
You are so right about how grief pops up even in parts of our lives that we are not passionate about. Loss is an unpredictable entity, surprising in its ability to cause confusion and pain.
What a fantastic article. Thank you Jianna for sharing your vulnerability!
I lost my business in 2007. Me and 7 million other people because of the recession. It was also part of being young and having a business as well.
I remember when I lost my business and left New York City. It felt like I lost my entire identity. I didn't leave the city willingly, and I went to live with my folks. I thought I was going to be there for a couple of months. It turned into a couple of years.
Losing my identity took decades to re-establish itself, and it's an experience I wouldn't wish on anybody. Not my worst enemy.
But it also gave me such power and understanding about how to rebuild. It's not something anybody talks about.
I remember not being able to drive back into New York City. One time I did, and I ended up having to pull over to the side of the road, sobbing uncontrollably.
At one point, I couldn't read the newspaper. I couldn't read magazines. I wasn't really able to function because I didn't want to hear what was going on in my industry.
I think I was 36 at the time.
I remember my mother, because my father was going through a similar situation. My mother doesn't always have the ability to have empathy or see things the way other people see things, and she said to me:
"You know you're not the only one going through this."
It was one of those Cher-in-Moonstruck moments.
"Snap out of it."
And it was very helpful.
At the time, it felt harsh.
Years later, decades later, really, I think she understood what it was like.
But that moment changed something for me.
I really did snap out of it.
Looking back, I can see my father's experience very differently now. I can see how devastating and emasculating it was for him.
What an incredible comment. Thank you for the vulnerable stories that will help others to hear, I'm sure. Like me. When I lost Jane magazine, I had so many of the exact reactions you did in terms of the difficulty of seeing magazines and news of my industry, etc etc. It made my stomach fall out to pass a newsstand with Jane still on there and me not a part of it. I have learned finally slowly to not make my work my identity, but it all came roaring back with your comment. I honestly didn't realize I related to this story until you wrote this and now I see all of the deep connections between what we all went through. And I feel the camaraderie of that too. Thank you and thank Jianna so much for opening up here.
Right?! @Jane Pratt, making work not my identity while actually enjoying creating and having it be a part of who I am is very different.
I think it also comes with age and having gone through the process of losing the business.
And thank you for your response.
I think we, I know I get caught up in what I think people's success looks like, especially in the BS Disney-ified and cheesy penthouse-lensification of social media, that I forget the real part is the failure and what comes after.
I know it will sound cliché, but the phoenix rising from the ashes is the better story. And it takes years, if not decades sometimes, to come back. It did for me.
Your last line gives me chills. I'm thrilled for you. I sometimes equate my projects to the time that I ran the New York marathon without proper training and a shin splint injury. As long as I just keep going, I will get there eventually. That's why if I'm really determined to launch a new project, I say to myself and others that I am doing it because I know that I will either do it or die trying (sorry to sound morbid). And then the part two of that, which I have learned through these processes, is that sometimes the best shortcut is just doing the work.
Thanks for all your wisdom and inspiration. Keep on doing it!
In total agreement-chills! I feel the same at Jane, if you’re willing to do the work the business will launch (it may nose dive at some point) but it will get off the ground. But while it’s alive it will touch so many people (like Jane magazine did for me) and maybe even change some lives.
Cheers to all new projects! And having a fantastic communities like this one to talk about them in.
Yes 🙌 just keep going and talking about it. Otherwise, what else do we have?
P.S. Did we run the same race? LOL. I did a half marathon with two broken toes and two herniated discs and couldn't understand why I was in so much pain. It wasn't until afterward, when I went to my orthopedic doctor, that I found out about the injuries.
I never would have done the race had I known.
And thank you for all your platforms and support and , and , and. I am loving all of it.
Losing that core identity is so hard, especially when you’re so emotionally connected to your career
But now that you’re bringing SASSY back, you can think about passing newsstands where it’s front & center again & know you’re making so many of us so happy ❤️
Ok I am way late to this conversation but I have a lot to say about this! I get that we are supposed to have work/life balance. But work is so much of our lives that when we are betrayed by it, or lose something we genuinely love, it’s reasonable to be devastated. Part two of my story about my boss dying is way more traumatic; with the losses she caused in our funding I couldn’t keep the doors open. The community loved us but no longer trusted us with funding. That devastated me for years, because there’s nothing I love more than engagement -- and that’s what that job was. So. I don’t know how you felt completely, but I still feel like I get it.
@Emma omg been there with the funding in the non-profit world too! a whole other story. hugs doll. happy we have a place to commune and “speak “ about it. you are not alone.
Thank you Amanda for reading and for sharing your story. Writing this essay and having. It published here has had the strangest effect on me-I want to open another bookstore! I’m in the nascent stages of ideation and struggling with the idea of failing again or how to do it differently so I don’t break my own heart but at least I’m dreaming again?!
Jianna, oh my gosh, it took me a decade to get myself back. I hope that does not happen to you guys, but I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to grieve.
I’m so glad that you wrote this article and that we’re all talking about it here in the comments on Substack because it is so important.
I wish I could come and visit, and I do hope you stay in touch.
I think I wrote about it. I have two Substacks. I write about my jewelry business, and I also write about personal stuff because, well, life.
I think I wrote about it on my jewelry Substack. I never thought I’d get back into jewelry after I lost my company, and I’m just getting back into it now. It’s really exciting to see how it’s taking shape in a completely different way.
So I can say that you, too, will have your own journey, and I look forward to hearing about it.
I’m going to follow you on Substack as well, and thank you so much for responding.
This platform is so forgiving, so inclusive, and really community-building.
I’ll follow you too! I want to follow your journey back into jewelry. I’ve had a hard time on substack finding community but this has been such a wonderful experience through Jane. It’s inspiring me to do more writing and maybe something bookish again and keep trying to engage on here!
P.S. I’m always telling my clients in therapy that we must allow time to grieve everything we lose. Society doesn’t really encourage it but for healing it a so so important!
I love that your name-dropping tends to circle back to Michael and Courteney. It’s not name-dropping when you’ve been friends for decades.
I’m in California, too, which is also my paradise! Five days in LA’s Koreatown, and I’m on day two in an incredibly isolated little glamping spot near Joshua Tree. Even a public vomiting incident in Beverly Hills can’t tarnish this wonderful place for me. While I’m looking forward to seeing my kid and cat late tomorrow night, I’m sure the crying jag I always have when I leave California is on its way.
Now, off to read Jianna’s story in the hot tub while gazing upon the spiky trees and still-snowy mountains! As a former entrepreneur who’s shuttered a couple of ventures, I’m sure it’ll get me.
What a truly kind comment! I love the way you characterize Jianna's story and I completely agree. What she wrote isn't easy or necessarily popular to talk about and I think she did it beautifully.
And giving ME permission to name drop?!?!? Nothing sweeter. In which case, I will mention that Greg Kinnear came over too and he made me laugh so hard when he continually fake judged me for oversalting my food. It would all get lost in translation if I tried to describe it, but I really adored him and had never spent that much time with him before. I will refrain from dropping other names - unless someone else asks too. xoxo
Oh that's such a sweet way to look at it. These are really the people I love the most and who support me the most – besides my mom stepdad and brothers. And it is crazy that the two that I call my best friends both ended up being so wildly famous in different realms. I have my own theories about that that I've been thinking about as I'm writing this damn memoir ha ha.
Oh, Jianna. Your story really hit me hard. Book stores are sacred places for me and the touching way in which you wrote about yours - that image of those two silver dollars of tears - made your grief so visceral. It's a collective grief, which makes your story extra powerful. And angering, too. Those mean and unhelpful comments! After my mother's dementia took over, my father made the painful decision, after 40 years, to close her beloved clothing boutique. She was never happier than behind the counter, greeting customers. I still long for those days. And understand your longing, too. A giant virtual hug to you and your sensitive and loving husband.
Cathy, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on my essay. Ugh, it must have been so tough to see your mom's store close while also dealing with the feelings of loss that come with loving someone with dementia. Sending a hug right back to you.
I’ve never lost a business, but I lost my dream job on the radio here in Portland in 2009 and I have grieved it ever since
Not only was it the job I was born to do, but it gave me the ability to leave a bad marriage and stand on my own for the first time in my life. Losing that was losing my identity and a support network I thought I could rely on. You genuinely find out who your real friends are when you lose a cool job
Grief is a motherfucker. It learns how to hurt us in our own individual ways, and it will pop back up to punch us in the stomach when we least expect it
All you can do after experiencing a loss is let time do what it does. You never fully get over something like that, but you do learn how to live with it. Time can hopefully heal enough so that you can look back with fondness & the knowledge that you truly accomplished something meaningful and valuable
Your work mattered to a community. My work mattered to a community. That’s not nothing. That’s everything.
That’s something we can both own that no one can ever take away ❤️🔥
Tara, I’m so sorry about your job loss and the grief you experience.
It’s so funny I thought writing this essay would be cathartic and it is-it has also elicited a lot of people reaching out to tell me they didn’t realize what I was/have been going through. I’m so glad people are getting it and really appreciate them acknowledging my pain. I’m also experiencing a resurgence of my own grief with every message.
You are right, we made real contributions to our community and for that we should both be incredibly proud. I’m holding that thought in my mind as I get through a slightly tougher day of sadness.
Jianna, I could really connect to your loss here. It is so hard when people in our lives don't understand (can't or won't) what you experienced. Love that you guys gave your hearts and souls to the dream. Lots of good came into the world from that alone!
Worth the wait Jane! I like to imagine that while I was flying home from Ireland yesterday and you were posting this, that over a lovely cheese board or a French Sauvignon Blanc you talked about my brilliant writing to Courtney Cox and Michael Stipe and now they vaguely know about my existence.
Keep the name dropping, makes it all more fun in my mind palace fantasy land.
Oh thank you and guess what? Your vision was not far off at all! Just substitute the beverage to the stranger choices of: Sake and Grey Goose with lime (those were not imbibed by the same person - two of us had the Grey goose and one had the sake).
I can't thank you enough for this beautiful piece on a topic I have never covered before.
Thanks for writing this. I've never owned a business and had no idea how much a part of your identity a business can become. This country is so hard on small businesses. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
That line about opening a vein with a dull pocket knife is a killer.
Covid fucked up so much--and it would've been so much less fucked if Trump wasn't such a useless shitbag, who proceeded to turn a lethal illness into a political issue.
It's extraordinarily difficult when a dream is murdered like that, and you're left with nothing to look forward to. Life can feel like an endless period of enduring existence, and waiting to die.
Andy, thank you for the compliment on that line! It was all such a mess on so many levels. The devastation of losing a dream (when you think you only have one) is so real. Since the bookstore closed, I have been doing a lot more continuing education in my field and creative writing. Not sure if it's "the dream" but it is something...
Thank you. I needed this. I haven't fully felt the grief of my writing career ending because I still write, but only on Substack. The Washington Post Magazine doesn't exist anymore so I'm not haunted by my name not in its pages, but the paper does and my mind whirls with pitches that no longer have anywhere to land. We are still so close to the devastation of Covid and Trump's reelection is a gaslighting of epic proportions. It's painful on micro and macro levels. The wounds are open and essays like yours helps us feel and heal together. I hope writing this is a balm.
Grief has been studied to show it doesn’t necessarily affect people in the same way. I, for probably the only one, take loss as a challenge, an energizing dare to try to do it again. Try to screw me again, world. Let’s go.
I play life like a game, and I do not intend to lose. Because that is where depression seeps in, which isn’t exactly the same as grief.
I do think my ability to laugh at what the world does to itself, and what it does to me is a survival instinct. I mean, I almost lost my husband to a medical ‘whoops’ on an appendectomy 6 months after we were married, meaning we were bankrupt by our first anniversary. And it was hysterical. And I can remember sitting in an infusion chair in 2020 as nurses were telling me how awful their jobs-life-bosses were as patients were swaddled in masks and gloves, and protective eyewear and running into the shower in my clothes when I got home, laughing.
Because wouldn’t it be truly funny to survive terminal lung cancer, and die from a respiratory pandemic 3 MONTHS later? I have to say yes, or else why the fuck would I have kept going an hour down empty freeways to see nurses that resented me (and told me) to get to live to see the world bloom into a racist ripeness works in which it’s no longer frowned upon by many to rape a child, or strip one of human pride and decency in the name of the white man?
It certainly would be enticing to give up and give in — but that means losing. And I won’t.
Because as Jane has pointed out - the sun, the sea, laughter with friends those Very Important Things still exist. They do. Amongst thousands of other good things.
Everything is a choice. It’s the wonderful thing about being a person. Even when you think you are out of choices, nah. They’re there.
So I’m not belittling your pain. But I am very much saying there’s a time and a place to say “Fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck your stupid face. Fuck this planet, this country, this state, this city and this fucking fuckery.”
Because you can close your eyes to make the bad go away, or to dream a new dream.
I hear you and love the idea of taking a loss as a challenge and remembering our ability to choose. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and your attitude around it is inspiring. I will be sitting with all you have said here and really considering how to integrate it into my own thinking.
Oh girl, the story is a gut punch. And I truly appreciate you being open about the raw pain of losing a vision. I recently started a print magazine, and while it has been well received, it is not close to being sustainable, yet. I panic when I think of it not succeeding— it’s such an expression of who I am, and if it fails I know I will feel that as a personal rejection. So, I’m working my ass off the same way you did and hoping for the best. I hope the loss is dulled over time, and I promise if I had lived in your neighborhood I would’ve spent a ton of time and money at your shop!
I just subscribed and am following you and hoping for all the success for your magazine! I love that you would have been a bookstore supporter! If I ever do it again I will let you know ;)
Jianna, thank you for your sharing your story. Your place sounds super dreamy and you have encouraged me to wander down the street later and buy something from my local bookstore. Also, I have been laid off from jobs that I was not passionate about and even still there was grief — loss of routine, loss of purpose, loss of identity and loss of the people I loved working with, those are all very real things so adding the loss of a Dream on top...it's no wonder you still have strong feelings! Proud of you for having the courage to try in the first place...most of us will only ever wonder "what if"...
Stefanie, thank you for the kind words. It was so dreamy! Hope you had fun at your local bookstore yesterday.
You are so right about how grief pops up even in parts of our lives that we are not passionate about. Loss is an unpredictable entity, surprising in its ability to cause confusion and pain.
What a fantastic article. Thank you Jianna for sharing your vulnerability!
I lost my business in 2007. Me and 7 million other people because of the recession. It was also part of being young and having a business as well.
I remember when I lost my business and left New York City. It felt like I lost my entire identity. I didn't leave the city willingly, and I went to live with my folks. I thought I was going to be there for a couple of months. It turned into a couple of years.
Losing my identity took decades to re-establish itself, and it's an experience I wouldn't wish on anybody. Not my worst enemy.
But it also gave me such power and understanding about how to rebuild. It's not something anybody talks about.
I remember not being able to drive back into New York City. One time I did, and I ended up having to pull over to the side of the road, sobbing uncontrollably.
At one point, I couldn't read the newspaper. I couldn't read magazines. I wasn't really able to function because I didn't want to hear what was going on in my industry.
I think I was 36 at the time.
I remember my mother, because my father was going through a similar situation. My mother doesn't always have the ability to have empathy or see things the way other people see things, and she said to me:
"You know you're not the only one going through this."
It was one of those Cher-in-Moonstruck moments.
"Snap out of it."
And it was very helpful.
At the time, it felt harsh.
Years later, decades later, really, I think she understood what it was like.
But that moment changed something for me.
I really did snap out of it.
Looking back, I can see my father's experience very differently now. I can see how devastating and emasculating it was for him.
Thank you for putting this out there. 💛
What an incredible comment. Thank you for the vulnerable stories that will help others to hear, I'm sure. Like me. When I lost Jane magazine, I had so many of the exact reactions you did in terms of the difficulty of seeing magazines and news of my industry, etc etc. It made my stomach fall out to pass a newsstand with Jane still on there and me not a part of it. I have learned finally slowly to not make my work my identity, but it all came roaring back with your comment. I honestly didn't realize I related to this story until you wrote this and now I see all of the deep connections between what we all went through. And I feel the camaraderie of that too. Thank you and thank Jianna so much for opening up here.
Right?! @Jane Pratt, making work not my identity while actually enjoying creating and having it be a part of who I am is very different.
I think it also comes with age and having gone through the process of losing the business.
And thank you for your response.
I think we, I know I get caught up in what I think people's success looks like, especially in the BS Disney-ified and cheesy penthouse-lensification of social media, that I forget the real part is the failure and what comes after.
I know it will sound cliché, but the phoenix rising from the ashes is the better story. And it takes years, if not decades sometimes, to come back. It did for me.
Your last line gives me chills. I'm thrilled for you. I sometimes equate my projects to the time that I ran the New York marathon without proper training and a shin splint injury. As long as I just keep going, I will get there eventually. That's why if I'm really determined to launch a new project, I say to myself and others that I am doing it because I know that I will either do it or die trying (sorry to sound morbid). And then the part two of that, which I have learned through these processes, is that sometimes the best shortcut is just doing the work.
Thanks for all your wisdom and inspiration. Keep on doing it!
In total agreement-chills! I feel the same at Jane, if you’re willing to do the work the business will launch (it may nose dive at some point) but it will get off the ground. But while it’s alive it will touch so many people (like Jane magazine did for me) and maybe even change some lives.
Cheers to all new projects! And having a fantastic communities like this one to talk about them in.
Yes 🙌 just keep going and talking about it. Otherwise, what else do we have?
P.S. Did we run the same race? LOL. I did a half marathon with two broken toes and two herniated discs and couldn't understand why I was in so much pain. It wasn't until afterward, when I went to my orthopedic doctor, that I found out about the injuries.
I never would have done the race had I known.
And thank you for all your platforms and support and , and , and. I am loving all of it.
Losing that core identity is so hard, especially when you’re so emotionally connected to your career
But now that you’re bringing SASSY back, you can think about passing newsstands where it’s front & center again & know you’re making so many of us so happy ❤️
That means the world and I will now of course think of you every time I do.
❤️❤️❤️
and I’m still not at all jealous of you getting to be in Malibu 😏
Ok I am way late to this conversation but I have a lot to say about this! I get that we are supposed to have work/life balance. But work is so much of our lives that when we are betrayed by it, or lose something we genuinely love, it’s reasonable to be devastated. Part two of my story about my boss dying is way more traumatic; with the losses she caused in our funding I couldn’t keep the doors open. The community loved us but no longer trusted us with funding. That devastated me for years, because there’s nothing I love more than engagement -- and that’s what that job was. So. I don’t know how you felt completely, but I still feel like I get it.
@Emma omg been there with the funding in the non-profit world too! a whole other story. hugs doll. happy we have a place to commune and “speak “ about it. you are not alone.
Thank you Amanda for reading and for sharing your story. Writing this essay and having. It published here has had the strangest effect on me-I want to open another bookstore! I’m in the nascent stages of ideation and struggling with the idea of failing again or how to do it differently so I don’t break my own heart but at least I’m dreaming again?!
Jianna, oh my gosh, it took me a decade to get myself back. I hope that does not happen to you guys, but I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to grieve.
I’m so glad that you wrote this article and that we’re all talking about it here in the comments on Substack because it is so important.
I wish I could come and visit, and I do hope you stay in touch.
I think I wrote about it. I have two Substacks. I write about my jewelry business, and I also write about personal stuff because, well, life.
I think I wrote about it on my jewelry Substack. I never thought I’d get back into jewelry after I lost my company, and I’m just getting back into it now. It’s really exciting to see how it’s taking shape in a completely different way.
So I can say that you, too, will have your own journey, and I look forward to hearing about it.
I’m going to follow you on Substack as well, and thank you so much for responding.
This platform is so forgiving, so inclusive, and really community-building.
I’ll follow you too! I want to follow your journey back into jewelry. I’ve had a hard time on substack finding community but this has been such a wonderful experience through Jane. It’s inspiring me to do more writing and maybe something bookish again and keep trying to engage on here!
P.S. I’m always telling my clients in therapy that we must allow time to grieve everything we lose. Society doesn’t really encourage it but for healing it a so so important!
Yes 🙌 and crying as you know is very cathartic.
I love that your name-dropping tends to circle back to Michael and Courteney. It’s not name-dropping when you’ve been friends for decades.
I’m in California, too, which is also my paradise! Five days in LA’s Koreatown, and I’m on day two in an incredibly isolated little glamping spot near Joshua Tree. Even a public vomiting incident in Beverly Hills can’t tarnish this wonderful place for me. While I’m looking forward to seeing my kid and cat late tomorrow night, I’m sure the crying jag I always have when I leave California is on its way.
Now, off to read Jianna’s story in the hot tub while gazing upon the spiky trees and still-snowy mountains! As a former entrepreneur who’s shuttered a couple of ventures, I’m sure it’ll get me.
Almost forgot! I’ll take any spare 4X shirt that’s floating around your desk.
You got it! That’s the first of the two I promised to give out. In other words, You Are Number One, Robin!!
Aw shucks! 😊😹 Thanks! I have such a cute outfit planned for it!
I can't wait to see!
Name drop anytime. We love it.
Thank you for sharing your vulnerable story, Jianna.
What a truly kind comment! I love the way you characterize Jianna's story and I completely agree. What she wrote isn't easy or necessarily popular to talk about and I think she did it beautifully.
And giving ME permission to name drop?!?!? Nothing sweeter. In which case, I will mention that Greg Kinnear came over too and he made me laugh so hard when he continually fake judged me for oversalting my food. It would all get lost in translation if I tried to describe it, but I really adored him and had never spent that much time with him before. I will refrain from dropping other names - unless someone else asks too. xoxo
Asking nicely to keep dropping names, please? I like knowing the people I think seem lovely, actually are.
Oh that's such a sweet way to look at it. These are really the people I love the most and who support me the most – besides my mom stepdad and brothers. And it is crazy that the two that I call my best friends both ended up being so wildly famous in different realms. I have my own theories about that that I've been thinking about as I'm writing this damn memoir ha ha.
Anyway, thank you!!
Ditto. And in some ways, it's a six degree of separation of knowing them (in)directly.
With how close we all are here, I would say second degree
Thank you for reading it!
Jianna, thank you for sharing your story. This is heartbreaking…I would’ve practically moved into your bookstore. 💔
Oh, Jianna. Your story really hit me hard. Book stores are sacred places for me and the touching way in which you wrote about yours - that image of those two silver dollars of tears - made your grief so visceral. It's a collective grief, which makes your story extra powerful. And angering, too. Those mean and unhelpful comments! After my mother's dementia took over, my father made the painful decision, after 40 years, to close her beloved clothing boutique. She was never happier than behind the counter, greeting customers. I still long for those days. And understand your longing, too. A giant virtual hug to you and your sensitive and loving husband.
Cathy, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings on my essay. Ugh, it must have been so tough to see your mom's store close while also dealing with the feelings of loss that come with loving someone with dementia. Sending a hug right back to you.
I’ve never lost a business, but I lost my dream job on the radio here in Portland in 2009 and I have grieved it ever since
Not only was it the job I was born to do, but it gave me the ability to leave a bad marriage and stand on my own for the first time in my life. Losing that was losing my identity and a support network I thought I could rely on. You genuinely find out who your real friends are when you lose a cool job
Grief is a motherfucker. It learns how to hurt us in our own individual ways, and it will pop back up to punch us in the stomach when we least expect it
All you can do after experiencing a loss is let time do what it does. You never fully get over something like that, but you do learn how to live with it. Time can hopefully heal enough so that you can look back with fondness & the knowledge that you truly accomplished something meaningful and valuable
Your work mattered to a community. My work mattered to a community. That’s not nothing. That’s everything.
That’s something we can both own that no one can ever take away ❤️🔥
Tara, I’m so sorry about your job loss and the grief you experience.
It’s so funny I thought writing this essay would be cathartic and it is-it has also elicited a lot of people reaching out to tell me they didn’t realize what I was/have been going through. I’m so glad people are getting it and really appreciate them acknowledging my pain. I’m also experiencing a resurgence of my own grief with every message.
You are right, we made real contributions to our community and for that we should both be incredibly proud. I’m holding that thought in my mind as I get through a slightly tougher day of sadness.
Jianna, I could really connect to your loss here. It is so hard when people in our lives don't understand (can't or won't) what you experienced. Love that you guys gave your hearts and souls to the dream. Lots of good came into the world from that alone!
Leigh, what a lovely way to look at it! I do hope our impact during our brief time as bookstore owners was positive. Thank you for reading!
Worth the wait Jane! I like to imagine that while I was flying home from Ireland yesterday and you were posting this, that over a lovely cheese board or a French Sauvignon Blanc you talked about my brilliant writing to Courtney Cox and Michael Stipe and now they vaguely know about my existence.
Keep the name dropping, makes it all more fun in my mind palace fantasy land.
Oh thank you and guess what? Your vision was not far off at all! Just substitute the beverage to the stranger choices of: Sake and Grey Goose with lime (those were not imbibed by the same person - two of us had the Grey goose and one had the sake).
I can't thank you enough for this beautiful piece on a topic I have never covered before.
Thanks for writing this. I've never owned a business and had no idea how much a part of your identity a business can become. This country is so hard on small businesses. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Jianna. Your store sounds exactly like the kind of place where I would love to spend my time - and money!
Jane, I remember Dirt - and I even think I still have a copy or two!! Enjoy your amazing vacation!
Jane, I’m glad you’re enjoying our lovely weather out here. (I live 20 minutes from Malibu)
It's glorious! I am extending my stay here as we speak.
That line about opening a vein with a dull pocket knife is a killer.
Covid fucked up so much--and it would've been so much less fucked if Trump wasn't such a useless shitbag, who proceeded to turn a lethal illness into a political issue.
It's extraordinarily difficult when a dream is murdered like that, and you're left with nothing to look forward to. Life can feel like an endless period of enduring existence, and waiting to die.
Andy, thank you for the compliment on that line! It was all such a mess on so many levels. The devastation of losing a dream (when you think you only have one) is so real. Since the bookstore closed, I have been doing a lot more continuing education in my field and creative writing. Not sure if it's "the dream" but it is something...
Thank you. I needed this. I haven't fully felt the grief of my writing career ending because I still write, but only on Substack. The Washington Post Magazine doesn't exist anymore so I'm not haunted by my name not in its pages, but the paper does and my mind whirls with pitches that no longer have anywhere to land. We are still so close to the devastation of Covid and Trump's reelection is a gaslighting of epic proportions. It's painful on micro and macro levels. The wounds are open and essays like yours helps us feel and heal together. I hope writing this is a balm.
Grief has been studied to show it doesn’t necessarily affect people in the same way. I, for probably the only one, take loss as a challenge, an energizing dare to try to do it again. Try to screw me again, world. Let’s go.
I play life like a game, and I do not intend to lose. Because that is where depression seeps in, which isn’t exactly the same as grief.
I do think my ability to laugh at what the world does to itself, and what it does to me is a survival instinct. I mean, I almost lost my husband to a medical ‘whoops’ on an appendectomy 6 months after we were married, meaning we were bankrupt by our first anniversary. And it was hysterical. And I can remember sitting in an infusion chair in 2020 as nurses were telling me how awful their jobs-life-bosses were as patients were swaddled in masks and gloves, and protective eyewear and running into the shower in my clothes when I got home, laughing.
Because wouldn’t it be truly funny to survive terminal lung cancer, and die from a respiratory pandemic 3 MONTHS later? I have to say yes, or else why the fuck would I have kept going an hour down empty freeways to see nurses that resented me (and told me) to get to live to see the world bloom into a racist ripeness works in which it’s no longer frowned upon by many to rape a child, or strip one of human pride and decency in the name of the white man?
It certainly would be enticing to give up and give in — but that means losing. And I won’t.
Because as Jane has pointed out - the sun, the sea, laughter with friends those Very Important Things still exist. They do. Amongst thousands of other good things.
Everything is a choice. It’s the wonderful thing about being a person. Even when you think you are out of choices, nah. They’re there.
So I’m not belittling your pain. But I am very much saying there’s a time and a place to say “Fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck your stupid face. Fuck this planet, this country, this state, this city and this fucking fuckery.”
Because you can close your eyes to make the bad go away, or to dream a new dream.
I hear you and love the idea of taking a loss as a challenge and remembering our ability to choose. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and your attitude around it is inspiring. I will be sitting with all you have said here and really considering how to integrate it into my own thinking.
Oh girl, the story is a gut punch. And I truly appreciate you being open about the raw pain of losing a vision. I recently started a print magazine, and while it has been well received, it is not close to being sustainable, yet. I panic when I think of it not succeeding— it’s such an expression of who I am, and if it fails I know I will feel that as a personal rejection. So, I’m working my ass off the same way you did and hoping for the best. I hope the loss is dulled over time, and I promise if I had lived in your neighborhood I would’ve spent a ton of time and money at your shop!
I just subscribed and am following you and hoping for all the success for your magazine! I love that you would have been a bookstore supporter! If I ever do it again I will let you know ;)
I am there! And I will give you geezers to sell for free 😘