When someone tells you to “step outside your comfort zone because you never know” in your 40's, you simply never speak to them again. PLUS: Stealthing and a hiring update sort of.
I just read this for about the 11th time and phrases in it still make me laugh out loud.
I'm in my 60s and have only ever wanted to be single so any comment that suggests that I would want to be married offends me and makes me puke simultaneously. People
STILL say to my mom, "Jane could still meet someone and settle down." Gross. I wish I could write a rebuttal as funny as yours and deliver it every time that happens. Thanks Shani!!
What a great article, Shani! People definitely need to mind their own damn business and respect the fact that different choices are right for different people. Being single is great, while being with the wrong person is horrid. I was single for ten years before meeting my fiance in a VR meditation group during Covid, of all places, and I'm celebrating turning 50 by getting married this November (and also by rereading my entire Sassy magazine collection, which is beyond amazing!) I never could have seen it coming, but it happened when it was meant to occur. :)
Wow, that's amazing and I'm sending my hugest great wishes to you along with my thrilled happiness over how that all came together. And actually, one of those two things – reading all the Sassys and getting married – is appealing to me too, so we have that in common! Have fun with all of it!!
PS I just know what's gonna happen which is that after all this I'm going to end up getting married because that's the way life goes and I'll be happy about that when that happens too if that happens. It's all fun and interesting. Live life! Don't judge others! It's that basic, right?
Thank you so much, Jane - you're the best! I'm having the the greatest time: whenever I pick up a Sassy magazine it's like sitting down and spending time with the amazing friends who guided me throughout my teenage years. I was even inspired to spray on some Colors de Benetton today, and it smells as amazing as ever! And how cool are the new Sassy t-shirts that arrived today? SO COOL!!!
Exactly: Things happen - or don't happen - as they're meant to, and no one has the right to interfere with the timeline of our personal life scripts! I never dreamt that I'd be lucky enough to interact with someone who has had such a profound effect on my life, on a regular basis, but here we are, and I can't thank you enough for everything! <3
I’m 57 & have officially been single far longer than I was married, huzzah!
In my case, going through menopause during a pandemic lockdown really sealed my single status & now all of the energy I used to waste on trying to find a boyfriend is being used to try to land a book deal
But I’m also the daughter of a very codependent woman who often expresses her wishes that I would “find someone,” even though i’ve repeatedly told her that I’m not lonely in anyway because I have an incredibly full social life with a wonderful group of friends
Romantic love is nice, but it’s not the only kind of love there is and it’s often the least sustainable kind. I can live just fine without a man, but I’d be lost without my girlfriends
Sometimes I remember Jane Pratt knows my name and I look around for hidden cameras to confirm there's no prank afoot. Thank you Jane, for turning me loose on the internet (again), and for helping me paint a picture of women who are single and never married over 40 using the colors and tools of my choosing. It's good to be back. xo
There was a very short period of time in my life where I was a bad waitress. Kind of. Having a fear of people and debilitating panic made me seem odd. Regardless, there was a hot summer night I was working at my (pirate themed upstate NY) place of employment, and only 2 of us showed up. Me. Chef.
Fuck.
We got slammed. And I made the choice to announce to people what was happening, and they had 3 choices: they could help me, they could wait patiently without complaining, or they could leave.
Most people ended up helping - making their own salads, playing the fantastic game of wealthy person doing menial labor delivering FOOD, making drinks - and it was a great night. They thanked me and I made a few thousand dollars in tips because they had an experience they would wow people with at the yacht club for years.
Not one person said anything bad to anyone, because it was easy to see both: we were doing our very best, and it wouldn’t do a damn thing to change the situation which they were well aware of.
I feel like being stressy with you after you share exactly what is going on in your tornado is why I don’t understand people.
Anyone here is free to raise their hand if they were unaware that Jane’s plate is never not overflowing, she goes above and beyond for her writers, readers, and everyone in-between and in the game of women supporting women she is a queen.
Lest I’m accused of shoving my head up your ass to become favoritest, we had fantastic issues getting my story out. At one point my chronological sad me cancer photos were horrifically out of order.
Who cares? You believed in me, you believed in my story, and you were taking in too much to get it out on time. The idea of giving someone a huge platform for free and them using it to stomp their foot because you didn’t work hard enough for their no dollars is not to be taken lightly.
That you published the story is a testament to who you are, Jane. And that remains a far far nicer person than I’ll ever be 😂
I just want to add here that I hope it was clear in this intro that I take full responsibility for waiting so long to publish. I also didn't realize until I checked out Shani's book that it was released in March and she may have even told me about that and I may have forgotten – and that would also explain why it would have been good for her to have attention on it then. I love Shani and her writing.
Oh man thank you for saying all of that. And yes, you and I have quite a story about putting your piece together. Because it was so photo heavy (which is exactly what I wanted it to be, and I was so grateful that you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable in your words and your photos in a way that I think it's tremendously helpful to so many other people) and I had not even Charlie helping me at that time, so re-ordering photos could take me a day or even more! That's my problem, not yours! I loved working with you on the whole thing though – as I do with all the writers here. I think I care as much as they do and I feel really appreciative and responsible when you all allow me to publish your words and images. And I can't go without saying that your story - and if you'd put a link to it here for me in your next comment so people can see what we're talking about that would be even better – your piece was worth every moment of effort that went into it because I think it's epic and it's something that's never been done before and I will be proud of publishing that for the rest of my life. My mom and I still talk about that piece in particular as such an important one. So thank you for being in it with me and thank you for saying all these nice things, and in particular your note about me supporting women which is absolutely my main thing in life, personally and professionally. Having it acknowledged means the world. Thank you.
What’s interesting is a few people mentioned the article would have done better without the pictures. I’m not unfamiliar with that opinion. I’ve had people tell me ‘no one wants to look at that’ - that being me - since I in fact did look at that. So I’m over the moon you worked so hard to include the photos, because people had best learn to grow up. Maybe if articles like mine had existed pre 2019, people wouldn’t have been so horrible to me when I went out in public. I’d like to think that, that the next girls will be treated better. Or maybe just getting the bulletin out - yes, this country is so twisted it absolutely DOES insult cancer patients to their face when they are fighting for their lives.
So you absolutely should be proud. Absolutely. Because you did what even medical publications were too afraid to do. You made that 60 pound me Sassy. 😉
I love this whole thing! You were Sassy at 60 pounds and you're Sassy right now! Sassy has no size restrictions or age or ethnic or gender qualifications. Showing that has been such an important part of my whole damn 40-year career and thank you for letting us show your version of ultimate Sassiness here
Sassy for life! Every day is an It Happened to Me running article in my head! And how can we ever thank you for giving us all the platforms to connect and bond?
I assume by staying Sassy For Life. The way I view it, Raised by Jane is another excellent tee idea. 💜
Those are both excellent ideas – if I do say so myself. I'll make them if you ever want one. I would have to make them free to anyone who would actually care to wear one. Xox
Note to anyone reading: these lines do not stop even in your 50s. Also, if I ever hear "There's a lid for every pot, dont give up!" again, I might just hurl someone into the sea.
“In your 30s you still have the delusional energy it takes to put on clothing and makeup for a first date with a stranger even after you’ve already done that four times this month and have nothing but disappointment and therapy visits to show for it. You just keep going and going thinking that surely one day your efforts will be rewarded, because that’s how life is supposed to work. A decade later and you’ll learn that nothing works the way you think it does, least of all dating.” Sadly yes and laughing! Bc you can either laugh or cry. I used to cry, now I laugh through all the BS I bought into 😂
love this. i never ever intended to get married. but the moment I tuned 60 I started to hear: who will take care of you when you’re old. kind of amazing. as i have always taken care of me. This BS concern for your “settled” future. which denies everything I am. watch out for that one!
I really never planned to get married I already had a kid and raised her myself, but it happened to me 😬 13yr later I'm feeling betrayed and controlled and looking for the exit. I feel swallowed whole by a snake.
I was never a single single, I was not "date-able" as they would ask me at the bar with my book and fake wedding ring in my 20s. There was nobody I could trust to be in my life with me and my daughter. The one time I did (this marriage) all of my stability eroded because I gave control away to the wrong person. Not sure why I would ever do this again. As my mum would say, I was only married to him in my head and I could divorce him there just as easily. The day he scared me with his explosive anger I woke up and became single again, this time in my 40s. Agree none of those phrases would sit well with me ha.
One more thing upon rereading this comment is when you referred to him raging at you and that moment you knew it was over, I had that exact same experience with an ex and you raising it made me think of it all over again and am writing about it for my memoir right now. I'm sorry it happened to both of us.
This wasn't the worst tantrum, but I felt like I woke from sleepwalking finally. It was a pattern becoming clear more than an isolated event. Being single is exhilarating after living under control by intimidation. Not that I know how to date now or anything, I never really knew before this either 😂 all I know is I'm no one's but mine.
I'm going to come back with a full response because there's so much I want to say to you and about this and I'm so so thankful that you wrote so openly about your situation here. I too wore a fake wedding ring in my 20s. I love knowing that there were others of us out there doing the same thing. and as I said, I'll be back here later. It sure did happen to you. Thanks again for sharing it.
It's ok if you don't too tho! ♥️ being single feels more like ME and the past few months of it have been lovely in a lot of ways.
The fake ring - it feels like women are seen as something to harvest and it makes me uneasy. I also had an ex who married fast after we split up, he asked me and I was like no I'm 20 I'm not ready for that, and a year and a half later I heard he had met someone else and was married. Guess he really wanted the partnership?
That's such a kind way to look at it and phrase it. The fake ring I got wasn't completely fake, but I wanted something that would shut anyone up AND my best friend at the time and I liked the idea of committing. So we got wedding bands together and it was sweet to feel connected to my best friend and also give out the signal that I was not interested. Then of course you get the people who would prefer to be with someone married - a whole other yuckfest.
Your story is equally beautiful in my view! Your commitment to it for 20 years is awesome. I've tried to wear one thing for that long, but never been able to go without losing it. The funny thing is, clearly commitment is not either one of our issues!
An exception for the taxonomy: If you’re in your fifties, and a man in his thirties messages you “You never know,” this helps categorize him, but isn’t automatically disqualifying as it would be if written by a man in his forties or fifties.
Shani, you are so right about men never leaving their dam houses! I mean—why can’t they just volunteer once a month or take a dance class or two?!?! So many men are absolute bores! No wonder so many of them have no friends and are dying in despair!
What should also be mentioned is how absolutely DESPERATE most men are for human connection, how lazy and disrespectful they are in seeking that connection, and how enraged they’ve collectively become now that women no longer need them to obtain credit cards, secure an apartment, or get a mortgage. This anger is at the root of the global right wing rise—all because most men can’t be bothered to be charming. I swear…
As a perennially single woman who just hit her fifth decade, it’s still exhausting trying to navigate a world full of men who feel entitled to my body, energy and attention. I certainly wouldn’t turn my nose up at quality companionship, but that is something scarcer than gold at this point. I’ve come to realize that most men do not want a partner in me, they mostly want a conquest, an accessory, a slave, a mommy/lover, an ego-booster—anything but actually me with all my fallible glory. I’m not actively looking for a male partner, but that doesn’t protect me from having to fend off creepy male attention every time I have the nerve to show my face in public. And no, this is not a humble brag. It’s me raging into the void.
So basically as someone who is visibly single, I spend most of my time in public dodging men (and some women) who are drawn to me—who want to interact with me, but have no intention of respecting me. It’s exhausting.
That’s why I’m always badmouthing the Patriarchy, because it’s been such a pervasive and poisonous presence in my life. It makes my partnered friends often swing between pitying me and/or viewing me as a threat, it makes it nearly impossible for me to be in public without being harassed, it makes it hard for me to survive financially, and it makes it nearly impossible for me to find solace from all of that.
Close friendships, loving partnerships, any and all supportive social networks I certainly welcome and actively seek out. I have never defined success by being partnered with a man, but I have definitely suffered all the consequences of not having the “protection” of a male partner in this world.
For that reason, my advice to any woman with any ounce of power anywhere who claims to be a feminist, or down for her sisters or whatever is: “put your actions and money where your mouth is and invest time and energy into building a world where women truly do not need a man” also, please rein in your sleezebag male partners (or any man with whom you find yourself out in public) when they harass lone women. I truly wish I had a dollar for every time I had to deal with some guy weirdly demanding my attention/over-touching me with a woman (and sometimes children) by his side—because I would be rich enough to secure more protection for myself.
Don’t let me get started on the racial politics of partnering either. White women are far likelier to find husbands than their Black counterparts, but that doesn’t stop them from treating Black women as threats, a fear that often makes them direct whatever power they may hold over us to make our lives even more precarious than they already are—so beyond making passive aggressive sideways competitive comments to single friends, I once again petition White women everywhere to remember that your insecurities are your problem alone to deal with. Use your considerable power to bring about a more just world, not to make other women feel shitty. And shame on those of you who still need this reminder. Nearly everyone you encounter is fighting a hard battle. Choosing to make someone feel worse about their own lives or life-choices, or off-gassing your own insecurities onto others definitely makes you a part of the problem.
As one of the rare women who somehow found my tall, dark, and handsome (and 9 years younger than me -- BRAG) at 40 and married him at 42... I'd just like to apologize for completely blowing the curve. Great article!!!! Loved it!!! Apparently I was the algorithm's clerical error...My only conclusion is that I accidentally wandered into an alternate timeline. ♥️♥️♥️
I just read this for about the 11th time and phrases in it still make me laugh out loud.
I'm in my 60s and have only ever wanted to be single so any comment that suggests that I would want to be married offends me and makes me puke simultaneously. People
STILL say to my mom, "Jane could still meet someone and settle down." Gross. I wish I could write a rebuttal as funny as yours and deliver it every time that happens. Thanks Shani!!
Omg this makes me love you even more!!
So sweet!
What a great article, Shani! People definitely need to mind their own damn business and respect the fact that different choices are right for different people. Being single is great, while being with the wrong person is horrid. I was single for ten years before meeting my fiance in a VR meditation group during Covid, of all places, and I'm celebrating turning 50 by getting married this November (and also by rereading my entire Sassy magazine collection, which is beyond amazing!) I never could have seen it coming, but it happened when it was meant to occur. :)
Wow, that's amazing and I'm sending my hugest great wishes to you along with my thrilled happiness over how that all came together. And actually, one of those two things – reading all the Sassys and getting married – is appealing to me too, so we have that in common! Have fun with all of it!!
PS I just know what's gonna happen which is that after all this I'm going to end up getting married because that's the way life goes and I'll be happy about that when that happens too if that happens. It's all fun and interesting. Live life! Don't judge others! It's that basic, right?
Thank you so much, Jane - you're the best! I'm having the the greatest time: whenever I pick up a Sassy magazine it's like sitting down and spending time with the amazing friends who guided me throughout my teenage years. I was even inspired to spray on some Colors de Benetton today, and it smells as amazing as ever! And how cool are the new Sassy t-shirts that arrived today? SO COOL!!!
Exactly: Things happen - or don't happen - as they're meant to, and no one has the right to interfere with the timeline of our personal life scripts! I never dreamt that I'd be lucky enough to interact with someone who has had such a profound effect on my life, on a regular basis, but here we are, and I can't thank you enough for everything! <3
I’m 57 & have officially been single far longer than I was married, huzzah!
In my case, going through menopause during a pandemic lockdown really sealed my single status & now all of the energy I used to waste on trying to find a boyfriend is being used to try to land a book deal
But I’m also the daughter of a very codependent woman who often expresses her wishes that I would “find someone,” even though i’ve repeatedly told her that I’m not lonely in anyway because I have an incredibly full social life with a wonderful group of friends
Romantic love is nice, but it’s not the only kind of love there is and it’s often the least sustainable kind. I can live just fine without a man, but I’d be lost without my girlfriends
Sometimes I remember Jane Pratt knows my name and I look around for hidden cameras to confirm there's no prank afoot. Thank you Jane, for turning me loose on the internet (again), and for helping me paint a picture of women who are single and never married over 40 using the colors and tools of my choosing. It's good to be back. xo
Welcome back and thank you and see you again (let's do it sooner than 13 years this time!).
There was a very short period of time in my life where I was a bad waitress. Kind of. Having a fear of people and debilitating panic made me seem odd. Regardless, there was a hot summer night I was working at my (pirate themed upstate NY) place of employment, and only 2 of us showed up. Me. Chef.
Fuck.
We got slammed. And I made the choice to announce to people what was happening, and they had 3 choices: they could help me, they could wait patiently without complaining, or they could leave.
Most people ended up helping - making their own salads, playing the fantastic game of wealthy person doing menial labor delivering FOOD, making drinks - and it was a great night. They thanked me and I made a few thousand dollars in tips because they had an experience they would wow people with at the yacht club for years.
Not one person said anything bad to anyone, because it was easy to see both: we were doing our very best, and it wouldn’t do a damn thing to change the situation which they were well aware of.
I feel like being stressy with you after you share exactly what is going on in your tornado is why I don’t understand people.
Anyone here is free to raise their hand if they were unaware that Jane’s plate is never not overflowing, she goes above and beyond for her writers, readers, and everyone in-between and in the game of women supporting women she is a queen.
Lest I’m accused of shoving my head up your ass to become favoritest, we had fantastic issues getting my story out. At one point my chronological sad me cancer photos were horrifically out of order.
Who cares? You believed in me, you believed in my story, and you were taking in too much to get it out on time. The idea of giving someone a huge platform for free and them using it to stomp their foot because you didn’t work hard enough for their no dollars is not to be taken lightly.
That you published the story is a testament to who you are, Jane. And that remains a far far nicer person than I’ll ever be 😂
I just want to add here that I hope it was clear in this intro that I take full responsibility for waiting so long to publish. I also didn't realize until I checked out Shani's book that it was released in March and she may have even told me about that and I may have forgotten – and that would also explain why it would have been good for her to have attention on it then. I love Shani and her writing.
Oh man thank you for saying all of that. And yes, you and I have quite a story about putting your piece together. Because it was so photo heavy (which is exactly what I wanted it to be, and I was so grateful that you allowed yourself to be so vulnerable in your words and your photos in a way that I think it's tremendously helpful to so many other people) and I had not even Charlie helping me at that time, so re-ordering photos could take me a day or even more! That's my problem, not yours! I loved working with you on the whole thing though – as I do with all the writers here. I think I care as much as they do and I feel really appreciative and responsible when you all allow me to publish your words and images. And I can't go without saying that your story - and if you'd put a link to it here for me in your next comment so people can see what we're talking about that would be even better – your piece was worth every moment of effort that went into it because I think it's epic and it's something that's never been done before and I will be proud of publishing that for the rest of my life. My mom and I still talk about that piece in particular as such an important one. So thank you for being in it with me and thank you for saying all these nice things, and in particular your note about me supporting women which is absolutely my main thing in life, personally and professionally. Having it acknowledged means the world. Thank you.
What’s interesting is a few people mentioned the article would have done better without the pictures. I’m not unfamiliar with that opinion. I’ve had people tell me ‘no one wants to look at that’ - that being me - since I in fact did look at that. So I’m over the moon you worked so hard to include the photos, because people had best learn to grow up. Maybe if articles like mine had existed pre 2019, people wouldn’t have been so horrible to me when I went out in public. I’d like to think that, that the next girls will be treated better. Or maybe just getting the bulletin out - yes, this country is so twisted it absolutely DOES insult cancer patients to their face when they are fighting for their lives.
So you absolutely should be proud. Absolutely. Because you did what even medical publications were too afraid to do. You made that 60 pound me Sassy. 😉
https://janepratt.substack.com/p/it-happened-to-me-doctors-wouldnt?r=ikr2r&utm_medium=ios
I love this whole thing! You were Sassy at 60 pounds and you're Sassy right now! Sassy has no size restrictions or age or ethnic or gender qualifications. Showing that has been such an important part of my whole damn 40-year career and thank you for letting us show your version of ultimate Sassiness here
https://janepratt.substack.com/p/it-happened-to-me-doctors-wouldnt?r=ikr2r&utm_medium=ios
Sassy for life! Every day is an It Happened to Me running article in my head! And how can we ever thank you for giving us all the platforms to connect and bond?
I assume by staying Sassy For Life. The way I view it, Raised by Jane is another excellent tee idea. 💜
Those are both excellent ideas – if I do say so myself. I'll make them if you ever want one. I would have to make them free to anyone who would actually care to wear one. Xox
’
I would 100% wear a “raised by Jane” or “raised by Sassy” shirt. Can’t decide on a color so clearly I need multiple of those on sale rn
Absolutely. I’d rock either or both anytime anywhere. One must always remember their roots!
Wonderful picture. What a gorgeous closeup of you.
I love that picture too and running it full screen size was definitely intentional! Her skin alone is soooo gorgeous. Thanks for noticing.
Just gorgeous.
Thank you for that.
Note to anyone reading: these lines do not stop even in your 50s. Also, if I ever hear "There's a lid for every pot, dont give up!" again, I might just hurl someone into the sea.
Hahaha! But you're not a pot and who wants a lid over you!! Terrible analogy for a terrible sentiment anyway.
I want comebacks for all of these myself....
Shani: the BEST of the BEST🦄🦄🦄
I agree!!! Thank you for saying it!!
“In your 30s you still have the delusional energy it takes to put on clothing and makeup for a first date with a stranger even after you’ve already done that four times this month and have nothing but disappointment and therapy visits to show for it. You just keep going and going thinking that surely one day your efforts will be rewarded, because that’s how life is supposed to work. A decade later and you’ll learn that nothing works the way you think it does, least of all dating.” Sadly yes and laughing! Bc you can either laugh or cry. I used to cry, now I laugh through all the BS I bought into 😂
So glad you're laughing about it now!
love this. i never ever intended to get married. but the moment I tuned 60 I started to hear: who will take care of you when you’re old. kind of amazing. as i have always taken care of me. This BS concern for your “settled” future. which denies everything I am. watch out for that one!
I really never planned to get married I already had a kid and raised her myself, but it happened to me 😬 13yr later I'm feeling betrayed and controlled and looking for the exit. I feel swallowed whole by a snake.
I was never a single single, I was not "date-able" as they would ask me at the bar with my book and fake wedding ring in my 20s. There was nobody I could trust to be in my life with me and my daughter. The one time I did (this marriage) all of my stability eroded because I gave control away to the wrong person. Not sure why I would ever do this again. As my mum would say, I was only married to him in my head and I could divorce him there just as easily. The day he scared me with his explosive anger I woke up and became single again, this time in my 40s. Agree none of those phrases would sit well with me ha.
One more thing upon rereading this comment is when you referred to him raging at you and that moment you knew it was over, I had that exact same experience with an ex and you raising it made me think of it all over again and am writing about it for my memoir right now. I'm sorry it happened to both of us.
This wasn't the worst tantrum, but I felt like I woke from sleepwalking finally. It was a pattern becoming clear more than an isolated event. Being single is exhilarating after living under control by intimidation. Not that I know how to date now or anything, I never really knew before this either 😂 all I know is I'm no one's but mine.
I'm going to come back with a full response because there's so much I want to say to you and about this and I'm so so thankful that you wrote so openly about your situation here. I too wore a fake wedding ring in my 20s. I love knowing that there were others of us out there doing the same thing. and as I said, I'll be back here later. It sure did happen to you. Thanks again for sharing it.
It's ok if you don't too tho! ♥️ being single feels more like ME and the past few months of it have been lovely in a lot of ways.
The fake ring - it feels like women are seen as something to harvest and it makes me uneasy. I also had an ex who married fast after we split up, he asked me and I was like no I'm 20 I'm not ready for that, and a year and a half later I heard he had met someone else and was married. Guess he really wanted the partnership?
That's such a kind way to look at it and phrase it. The fake ring I got wasn't completely fake, but I wanted something that would shut anyone up AND my best friend at the time and I liked the idea of committing. So we got wedding bands together and it was sweet to feel connected to my best friend and also give out the signal that I was not interested. Then of course you get the people who would prefer to be with someone married - a whole other yuckfest.
Your ring has a beautiful story 🥰 mine was something I stole from one of my sisters and I wore it every day for almost 20yr. Now I wear hematite
Your story is equally beautiful in my view! Your commitment to it for 20 years is awesome. I've tried to wear one thing for that long, but never been able to go without losing it. The funny thing is, clearly commitment is not either one of our issues!
An exception for the taxonomy: If you’re in your fifties, and a man in his thirties messages you “You never know,” this helps categorize him, but isn’t automatically disqualifying as it would be if written by a man in his forties or fifties.
What an excellent point!
Shani, you are so right about men never leaving their dam houses! I mean—why can’t they just volunteer once a month or take a dance class or two?!?! So many men are absolute bores! No wonder so many of them have no friends and are dying in despair!
What should also be mentioned is how absolutely DESPERATE most men are for human connection, how lazy and disrespectful they are in seeking that connection, and how enraged they’ve collectively become now that women no longer need them to obtain credit cards, secure an apartment, or get a mortgage. This anger is at the root of the global right wing rise—all because most men can’t be bothered to be charming. I swear…
As a perennially single woman who just hit her fifth decade, it’s still exhausting trying to navigate a world full of men who feel entitled to my body, energy and attention. I certainly wouldn’t turn my nose up at quality companionship, but that is something scarcer than gold at this point. I’ve come to realize that most men do not want a partner in me, they mostly want a conquest, an accessory, a slave, a mommy/lover, an ego-booster—anything but actually me with all my fallible glory. I’m not actively looking for a male partner, but that doesn’t protect me from having to fend off creepy male attention every time I have the nerve to show my face in public. And no, this is not a humble brag. It’s me raging into the void.
So basically as someone who is visibly single, I spend most of my time in public dodging men (and some women) who are drawn to me—who want to interact with me, but have no intention of respecting me. It’s exhausting.
That’s why I’m always badmouthing the Patriarchy, because it’s been such a pervasive and poisonous presence in my life. It makes my partnered friends often swing between pitying me and/or viewing me as a threat, it makes it nearly impossible for me to be in public without being harassed, it makes it hard for me to survive financially, and it makes it nearly impossible for me to find solace from all of that.
Close friendships, loving partnerships, any and all supportive social networks I certainly welcome and actively seek out. I have never defined success by being partnered with a man, but I have definitely suffered all the consequences of not having the “protection” of a male partner in this world.
For that reason, my advice to any woman with any ounce of power anywhere who claims to be a feminist, or down for her sisters or whatever is: “put your actions and money where your mouth is and invest time and energy into building a world where women truly do not need a man” also, please rein in your sleezebag male partners (or any man with whom you find yourself out in public) when they harass lone women. I truly wish I had a dollar for every time I had to deal with some guy weirdly demanding my attention/over-touching me with a woman (and sometimes children) by his side—because I would be rich enough to secure more protection for myself.
Don’t let me get started on the racial politics of partnering either. White women are far likelier to find husbands than their Black counterparts, but that doesn’t stop them from treating Black women as threats, a fear that often makes them direct whatever power they may hold over us to make our lives even more precarious than they already are—so beyond making passive aggressive sideways competitive comments to single friends, I once again petition White women everywhere to remember that your insecurities are your problem alone to deal with. Use your considerable power to bring about a more just world, not to make other women feel shitty. And shame on those of you who still need this reminder. Nearly everyone you encounter is fighting a hard battle. Choosing to make someone feel worse about their own lives or life-choices, or off-gassing your own insecurities onto others definitely makes you a part of the problem.
Okay, rant over…
Thanks for the great opening Shani.
As one of the rare women who somehow found my tall, dark, and handsome (and 9 years younger than me -- BRAG) at 40 and married him at 42... I'd just like to apologize for completely blowing the curve. Great article!!!! Loved it!!! Apparently I was the algorithm's clerical error...My only conclusion is that I accidentally wandered into an alternate timeline. ♥️♥️♥️