Unpopular Opinion: People Who Get Up Early To Be Hyper Productive Aren't Better Than Me (Or Any Other Slow And Sleepy Types)

Nothing annoys me more than the smugness of early risers. I sleep late and I'm not going to feel bad about it.

Oh, I love you guys. How are your Wednesdays going? Mine is fun-filled and creative so far with two caveats:

I have therapy later and nothing to talk about. I’m tempted to cancel it, but have the haunting voice of that evil therapist - the one I went to for years and exposed here - in my head telling me that when you don’t want to talk is when you most need to. I trust you all more than my therapists (actually seriously true, though my current one who I talk to every month or two, is wonderful and very wise and quotes Ram Dass, if you are into that kind of thing as I am). So tell me if you think I should keep my session and I will follow your direction. I think it’s fair to ask you because it’s easier to decide if you are not in the situation yourself and don’t have that pressuring-therapist PTSD. I will repay the advice any time. Thanks for eliminating that decision for me today!

The second caveat is that our subscriber numbers, which have been growing so so healthily and beautifully thank you all so much, have not been great the last couple of days. It is possibly because we have been in a depressed phase. Remember when I mentioned that submissions seem to come in themes, inspired by whatever was most recently published? So I may have started this recent trend with my murdered dad tale, sorry.

Now to take that frown and turn it upside down (and to take that flattening line on the Substack graph and tilt it back upward), I am so excited to publish today this ridiculously goofy story by our lovely laugh riot, Genevieve. I started cracking up by paragraph three when she sent it to me the other night and barely stopped for air-breaks until the end. I seriously (ha) hope you have the same reaction. And share it around to your like-minded friends so we can raise that graph line to an even more extreme heavenly skyward angle. Or so they can laugh too. Whatever your personal priorities are with it work fine.

Once again, I love you. Let’s have some fun!

xo Jane

I've talked my hot husband into the "lounge life."

By Genevieve Sage

Why do Morning People act like they’re part of some superior subspecies? They’re always so smug, so chipper, so… aggressively green juiced up.

And boy, howdy, do they love to brag about their productivity before sunrise. “Woke up at 5:30, did a quick gym sesh, meditated, wrote in my gratitude journal, reorganized the pantry, baked sourdough, and it's only 9:12 am!”

Cool story, Linda.

Meanwhile, I slept in until 10 and had a vivid dream that I rescued an abandoned baby raised by a herd of cats after Miranda July gave her up. The baby’s name was “Two Bits” but I renamed her “Bitsy.”

So who's really living?

Morning People just… enjoy being around people more than we bed rotters do. That’s what this is really about. They like eye contact. They thrive on small talk. They’re probably on group texts that use emojis unironically.

Me? I prefer silence and not being perceived until at least noon. I often think of Sally Field as Sybil, rocking in a corner muttering, “The people, the people, the people…” because I, too, am one tantrum away from dissociating into 13 personalities when faced with the collective demands of group fitness. Or a fun, beer-garden crowd. (Any crowd, really.)

Hustle culture can kiss my Tempur-Pedic smushed ass. I’m not lazy—I’m just highly sensitive, circadianly gifted, and, frankly, kind of fabulous in bed.