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The Autistic Astrologer gives you all the important March predictions

Happy March to you! In fact, Happiest March yet to you!

If you didn’t say your “Rabbits Rabbits Rabbits” first thing on the 1st, don’t get down on yourself because the end of February is particularly tricky to keep up with and I forgot and talked until about 2 AM before realizing too. Just redeem yourself with “Tigger Tigger Tigger” now - AND follow Bee’s brilliant astrological advice here - and your month will be whatever you want it to be! (I also re-said the whole “RRR, TTT” thing three times in unison with my patient daughter after doing it myself, due to extreme superstition/mostly-subclinical OCD tendencies, but I don’t recommend that.)

If you are new or otherwise unfamiliar with The Autistic Astrologer, you might want to see her It Happened To Me story from when we first met and before she began writing our monthly horoscope column. It explains some of what makes her so uniquely good at these predictions.

And because there was such a hullaballoo over the accuracy of her previous Amazing Sex Day prediction, I am giving you that date for free this month! Usually that is part of the paid-subscribers section, which contains your individual signs’ readings and your opportunity for one-on-one coaching and answers from Bee to your specific questions in the comments. We charge for that last part so Bee can get paid and she definitely makes it worth the investment. But today Free Sex for all!*

I love you!

Jane

*However, if you are considering even the free 7-day trial subscription that is offered when you hit the paywall, I highly recommend doing it now because this week coming up is more jam-packed with great stories than maybe ever in our little AJPT history. I am upping my game because of all the SASSY, JANE and XOJane readers who have joined here recently with their Sassily high expectations. You all deserve it!

ETA: I’m running a title test on the open rates for this email and so far Your Most Enticing March Horoscope is beating out Your Best Sex Date. I’m impressed. 9:27 PM UPDATE: Spoke too soon. You chose the sex. Understandable.

By The Zine Witch

Are you exhausted? I’m exhausted.

And to that, I think the answer this month is oranges. Yes, oranges. Let me explain. But, first, an introduction.

This is a good month to take a walk with your headphones. Get lost in music, thoughts, feelings. You don’t have to figure anything out. Just feel it.

I’m The Zine Witch, your resident astrologer and celestial flight attendant this month, watching the cosmic skys and asking the big questions for you here at Another Jane Pratt Thing. Make sure your seatbelt is fastened. Grab yourself a drink. Something you’ll need that orange for. (Tell me in the comments what you choose) This is another big month astrologically.

Last month was a cannon. This month is processing the remains. What a news cycle. Eclipses in the ancient days brought the death of the king. Nowadays, it’s usually a titan of their field. RIP James Van der Beek, a legend of his craft, but, also was a genuinely empathetic, thoughtful, deeply emotionally intelligent parent, husband, and thought leader.

James Van Der Beek once shared an Instagram story that really OK stayed with me. So many of us grow up never learning what repair feels like, never taught how to return to safety after a storm of emotions. He remembered that after a meltdown as a child, his mother would quietly start peeling an orange and bring it to him, asking gently if he wanted help, offering a small snack and a moment to breathe and speak. In that simple, luminous gesture, the orange became more than fruit. It became a lifeline, a soft bridge back to calm, a silent promise that he could be held, understood, and soothed. It was an ordinary act transformed into extraordinary care, teaching that even in the aftermath of overwhelm, tenderness and connection could exist. It reminds me that love often whispers in small gestures, and that healing begins in the quiet patience of someone willing to stay with you in the mess. And if we are exhausted right now, maybe some oranges will give us the vitamin C our adrenal system needs!

Pisces always reminds you to take a second look at your perception about something. What are you second guessing right now?

In addition to losses, many things were revealed last month. Many of the Epstein files were exposed leaving us feeling emotionally paralyzed and righteously angry. Prince Andrew arrested. Questions of a Ghislain doppelgänger. A new Lana Del Rey single. Aliens are real! It’s been a month.

Lately I’ve been thinking, with everything being so jarring in the news, that the real shift this season isn’t about what these men did. It’s about who we are becoming in response. The illusions we’ve been holding onto are dissolving, and suddenly we can’t hide from the parts of ourselves we’ve been avoiding.

Around the 19th, something clicks internally and emotion leaks in from every direction.

Much of the framework around this month is about dissolving. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac. Have you ever met a Pisces? They are always the one with one foot out the door and the other in outer space. They are world builders who feel not from this world. They see the truth even if they want to run from it within themselves. James Van der Beek. Drew Barrymore. Kurt Cobain. Chappell Roan. Olivia Rodrigo. These magical fairies too sensitive for this world. Now, that we are in their season, we begin to take up space as they do. Fluid. Sacrificial. Receptive. Enigmatic.

With what’s dissolving, in the background we are also being asked to pay attention to the places interesting new things are now forming. Last month we had a rare conjunction of two planets that last met in 1989. This was a pretty important time culturally. Almost every band that would go on to shape the early 90s musical trajectory formed during this time. Even the records of 1989 sounded more like the 90’s than the 1980’s. Oh, this is a great year for art. The new Lana sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard.

So there’s fog but new messages coming through. A collective weight in the air, a sense of disillusionment that makes authority, institutions, and old narratives feel brittle. Pisces season dissolves fantasy. How comfortable are you with truth? That’s the test of this transit. The lower octave of Pisces is to disassociate. To completely spaced out and do nothing. Pisces season can be hard to sit with. It will point out where we are lying to ourselves, or denying reality, avoiding the real work. It can be gentle or it can hit like a tidal wave. This is the magic of free will on the amusement park called Life™. Evolve at your own pace. No refunds.

This may be a description of how we are feeling this month. But, remember as the meme goes: it’s trash can. Not trash cannot!

Mercury is retrograde in Pisces this month, which means the mind is naturally circling back, wandering, and revisiting old conversations, decisions and feelings. You may notice yourself rereading messages from mid February, replaying situations, and noticing details you didn’t see before. Electronics stop working. Headphones go missing. Texts get delayed. Messages get fumbled. That fog is not a flaw. It is an opportunity. Mercury retrograde asks us to slow down, pause before reacting, and give ourselves permission to rethink without judgment.

Some days, focus drifts. Emails get half written. Texts are sent and immediately regretted. Decisions that once felt simple now feel tangled in unseen threads. The theme isn’t clarity. It’s reflection. Walking through the fog and realizing the fog is inside you.

This season is not about doing more. It’s about noticing more.

The missed detail isn’t external. It is internal. This season asks us to uncover the places where we’ve abandoned our own clarity, where we trusted noise over intuition, where we confused hyper-vigilance with power. Mercury retrograde nudges us to rewrite, revise, and reclaim our story. Nothing needs to be perfect. The goal is awareness, not completion.

Around the nineteenth, something internal clicks. Not loud. Not cinematic. A moment where you cannot unsee your own truth. A conversation, a plan, a story you told yourself needs revision. Boundaries feel porous. Emotions leak in from every direction. You absorb other people’s moods. You romanticize the impossible. You see illusions you wanted to believe. And you see yourself more clearly than you have in months.

My late sister’s friend, Lauren is a Pisces Rising. When things feel hard she likes to remind me that “everything is figureoutable!” So, this reminder sits on my wall to honor her wise words.

There’s a strange seriousness emerging around identity. The fantasy self meets the responsible self. It is uncomfortable. Necessary. There is anger too, quiet, righteous, clarifying anger. You realize you’ve been tolerating things that no longer align with who you are becoming. Compassion remains. Firmness deepens.

Pisces season is not about doing more. It is about noticing more. Noticing the stories we repeat, the wounds we nurse, the patterns that masquerade as spirituality but are really fear in a silk robe. Mercury retrograde reminds us that reflection is productive, even when it feels slow.

We feel ourselves dissolving a little. The version of us that was hyper-vigilant and self-correcting is exhausted. Good. Let her rest.

The next six months are seeded right now with what we are willing to release: mental habits, old guilt, the compulsion to be flawless to be loved, the illusion that if we just analyze harder we’ll finally feel safe.

Pisces season asks us to surrender. Safety isn’t perfection. It’s acceptance. It’s noticing where we cling, where we resist, and letting it go. Use Mercury retrograde to reread, rethink, and refine, not to punish yourself.

I pulled a card for the month and it was the Five of Wands which reminds us that any tension that comes up is just growth trying to get your attention. The Five of Wands is a card that often reminds us of the necessary friction and tension inherent in the growth process. It isn’t about catastrophic conflict but about the messy, competitive energy that arises when different perspectives, ambitions, or talents clash. It asks us to notice where we’re struggling against others or even against ourselves because those struggles often reveal where we’re resisting change or refusing to cooperate. It can also remind us that conflict, when approached consciously, is the setting place for growth. Without it, we would be pretty boring!

Maybe we need to grab that orange peel in our own lives this month. Sit with it. Peel it slowly. Smell it. Taste it. Bring it to someone who needs repair that’s long overdue. Maybe thus ourselves. Let it remind you that finding repair, care, and gentleness are possible even when the world feels chaotic. Let it inspire you to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding, to speak truths that are uncomfortable but necessary. To connect with the people you love in your life about the uncomfortable stuff. Mercury retrograde gives you permission to revisit, reflect, and reclaim your voice. You’ll be happier you did next month, I swear.

Orange ya glad your astrologer gave you this advice? Okay, No more dad jokes, I swear.

Best Day for Sex: March 9

Best Day to Send an Important Message:…. [Sorry, you have to pay for this prediction. I gave you the sex for free! What more do you want? -Jane]