If you prove you read past The Wall, we will give you free access to everything for a whole, long month. Can you do it?!? (It's the first ever "We Pay YOU Wall," if you didn't get that already.)
I am a 44-year-old man with the sense of humor of a child, so naturally I loved every part of editing this piece. I never put a turd in one of those ashtrays, but I did used to spend hours playing with them while waiting for my mom to try on clothes in the Emporium Capwell's. I'd make cigarette butts fight before the floor opened up below, causing them to plummet to their grisly demise. I probably could have used some more friends...
I've never felt more like Oprah in my entire life. You get a subscription! You get a subscription! Look under your chair, there's a special gift from Andy...
[slow clap] for the parents. I can imagine their conversation. “We should probably do something.” “Five more minutes. I still need my base layer.” “What do you think he did with it?” “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
My wife agrees entirely. She is the most anti-bath person I've ever encountered. I, on the other hand, see nothing wrong with reading a book while stewing in your own juices...
I'm 63 years old. And I can't remember people's names very well. Yet I can immediately recall the name Raleigh Green because he made a relatively innocuous poop, and probably only about 4 inches long, in the baby pool at my parents country club when he was about five years old. He's 60 now and people still remember it. This was in central Pennsylvania. I lived there until I was 43 and at that point people still talked about it. you're lucky. You didn't have the scarlet letter P for pool pooper follow you through childhood, puberty, and all the way now to old age. Poor Raleigh.
This was physically painful to read but hilarious. Once my 7 year old son told me he wasn’t feeling well as we were swimming in the deep end of a pool. I was spotting him, just swimming right behind him.
i told him lets swim across to the other side and climb out using the ladder. And as we did, he vomited in the pool and my face swam right through it.
Oh god! And did you tell him that you didn't mind because it was HIS puke? I feel a need to say that to my daughter still - anything that comes out of your body is beautiful and smells great to me, darling. Not sure why I do that.
You know whats gender inappropriate of me?? I hate when I notice my old school bias but… if I had a daughter, I would have considered her being embarrassed or feeling gross but I didn’t even worry about it. I just put my arms around him and scooped him up. then i told him everything's ok and took him to the room to rest (Ramada in Carlsbad I think).
If the comments on this essay aren’t a sign that Friday Body Functions should be a new series to bring everyone into the weekend, I don’t know what is.
I'm a huge fan of scatological humor and embrace pooping as one of the most satisfying biological processes, but you not washing your hands after putting your smokin' dookie out in the ashtray made me throw up in my mouth a little. I'm so glad your mom encouraged you to use soap in the tub!
I guess Caddyshack hadn’t come out yet. Just gross, so glad I’m not a boy. Luckily we didn’t have access to pools much growing up. I was bereft when Jane was discontinued, my fave magazine.
I read this while putting my 6-year-old to bed. Bad move. As she’s lying next to me, dozing off with her hand firmly glued to the mole on my sternum (a nightly ritual), I sealed my lips, but it was impossible to avoid sincerely convulsing with laughter. *BING!*, she’s fully awake again! My brief synopsis — surprise! — didn’t help her settle down one bit. For anyone considering replacing the Magic Treehouse with this story tomorrow night… let me have done it for you.
I love how the size of a Holiday Inn pool for a five year old equates to “so much water here, no one will notice.” I miss the vastness of childhood. Wild ride, this story. 😂 Thanks for sharing!
What a great point! And when I read his story, I pictured that Holiday Inn pool (I used to waitress at the Holiday Inn, so I know their pools!) as big as a football field.
That actually going to use a bathroom would’ve taken you away from the fun FOREVER projected me back into my 6-year-old mind when I would’ve come to the exact same conclusion…but I’m not sure I would’ve had the mental wherewithal to handle the situation with such finesse.
Pretty sure I would’ve burst into tears from the embarrassment. My siblings would’ve told everyone that I’m adopted (I’m not actually, but that was one of their favorite jabs because they both have brown eyes and mine are green) and would still be bringing it up to this day. My parents would’ve been completely mortified.
Also, you need a jersey with “Long Sitter” printed on the back above the number 2.
Thank you, Dana. The style is basically born out of laziness. I write the way I talk. Makes it easier if I don’t have to think about how I’m going to write something. 😅
Getting people to write that way when I started sassy was definitely not out of laziness though. Whenever I hired anyone who had been in the publishing world before, I had to beat that magazine speak out of them by making them record themselves telling me the story and then transcribing it. It was slow going. But it did work!
Ha ha ha. You would be surprised how hard it is to unlearn that - and realize it's OK to call it hair three times in one paragraph and you don't need to switch to tresses or mane.
It’s what drew me in to Sassy so much! You were the one who inadvertently encouraged me to write in my own voice.
I don’t think I have any old issues of Sassy or Jane — I’ve moved so many times and switched coasts 25 years ago, leaving 90% of my belongings in my parents’ basement in Bucks County, PA.
I shot iced coffee out my nose when I first read that line. Normally I agonize over picking pull quotes for the lead image, but Andy made this the easiest choice ever
I am a 44-year-old man with the sense of humor of a child, so naturally I loved every part of editing this piece. I never put a turd in one of those ashtrays, but I did used to spend hours playing with them while waiting for my mom to try on clothes in the Emporium Capwell's. I'd make cigarette butts fight before the floor opened up below, causing them to plummet to their grisly demise. I probably could have used some more friends...
WTF. That story is hilarious. I can just see you voicing the tobacco gladiators before they fall to their doom, screaming.
I've never felt more like Oprah in my entire life. You get a subscription! You get a subscription! Look under your chair, there's a special gift from Andy...
[slow clap] for the parents. I can imagine their conversation. “We should probably do something.” “Five more minutes. I still need my base layer.” “What do you think he did with it?” “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
This comment is making me laugh so hard. You should write the sequel. God I love you
i'm dying laughing
The thing is, I can hear this dialogue in the voices of my parents, and it's making my stomach hurt.
I made it to the end! I’m kind of disgusted that the parents made him take a BATH rather than a shower after all that…
I didn't even think of that nuance, I was so busy not puking. But yes, I agree with you (not Charlie) that that was shitty parenting.
My wife agrees entirely. She is the most anti-bath person I've ever encountered. I, on the other hand, see nothing wrong with reading a book while stewing in your own juices...
You've got a point there.
I was thinking the same thing!
I'm 63 years old. And I can't remember people's names very well. Yet I can immediately recall the name Raleigh Green because he made a relatively innocuous poop, and probably only about 4 inches long, in the baby pool at my parents country club when he was about five years old. He's 60 now and people still remember it. This was in central Pennsylvania. I lived there until I was 43 and at that point people still talked about it. you're lucky. You didn't have the scarlet letter P for pool pooper follow you through childhood, puberty, and all the way now to old age. Poor Raleigh.
Poor Raleigh, indeed, but I'm laughing so hard at your story. Thank you!
As a teenaged lifeguard I learned the hard lesson that, alas, it always floats!
Oh God. Did you get combat pay for that job?
This was physically painful to read but hilarious. Once my 7 year old son told me he wasn’t feeling well as we were swimming in the deep end of a pool. I was spotting him, just swimming right behind him.
i told him lets swim across to the other side and climb out using the ladder. And as we did, he vomited in the pool and my face swam right through it.
I'm adding this to the nearly infinite list of horrors that have persuaded me not to have children
Ahh yep me too, this story will be shared among my childfree friends as proof we made the right choice
Oh god! And did you tell him that you didn't mind because it was HIS puke? I feel a need to say that to my daughter still - anything that comes out of your body is beautiful and smells great to me, darling. Not sure why I do that.
You know whats gender inappropriate of me?? I hate when I notice my old school bias but… if I had a daughter, I would have considered her being embarrassed or feeling gross but I didn’t even worry about it. I just put my arms around him and scooped him up. then i told him everything's ok and took him to the room to rest (Ramada in Carlsbad I think).
I only have a girl but I totally get that. It also makes sense because girls do get judged differently for that stuff. Puke Equality Now!
I only have a boy. Puke equality NOW!
I need a bumper sticker.
Holy shit, what the fuck. No. Just... no.
I had to read the phrase "Long Sitter" in order to get more Jane Pratt.
Happy Friday, I guess?
HAHHAHA
And now, Derek, we will forever have "Long Sitter". ❤️
hshahahaha
If the comments on this essay aren’t a sign that Friday Body Functions should be a new series to bring everyone into the weekend, I don’t know what is.
Hey Charlie, take note of this solid idea!
Don't threaten me with a good time...
Baked a brownie?!?! That phrase will haunt me...
You're welcome.
I'm a huge fan of scatological humor and embrace pooping as one of the most satisfying biological processes, but you not washing your hands after putting your smokin' dookie out in the ashtray made me throw up in my mouth a little. I'm so glad your mom encouraged you to use soap in the tub!
Excuse me, I DID rinse them off in the chlorinated water. I'm not an animal, you know.
I guess Caddyshack hadn’t come out yet. Just gross, so glad I’m not a boy. Luckily we didn’t have access to pools much growing up. I was bereft when Jane was discontinued, my fave magazine.
I was also bereft and I'm so sorry it happened. BUT so glad we are back here together for these important moments!
Absolutely!
I beat Caddyshack by four years. Maybe the writer was at that hotel, witnessing my crime against humanity.
I read this while putting my 6-year-old to bed. Bad move. As she’s lying next to me, dozing off with her hand firmly glued to the mole on my sternum (a nightly ritual), I sealed my lips, but it was impossible to avoid sincerely convulsing with laughter. *BING!*, she’s fully awake again! My brief synopsis — surprise! — didn’t help her settle down one bit. For anyone considering replacing the Magic Treehouse with this story tomorrow night… let me have done it for you.
Ha ha ha thanks for the useful tip and told with such hilarious detail I cracked up.
OMG, that is so funny! I can just see you trying to be QUIET, and your body is shaking the bed because you can't laugh.
I love how the size of a Holiday Inn pool for a five year old equates to “so much water here, no one will notice.” I miss the vastness of childhood. Wild ride, this story. 😂 Thanks for sharing!
What a great point! And when I read his story, I pictured that Holiday Inn pool (I used to waitress at the Holiday Inn, so I know their pools!) as big as a football field.
That turd screwed me. It would have been the easiest getaway ever.
Your narrative style is perfection, Andy.
That actually going to use a bathroom would’ve taken you away from the fun FOREVER projected me back into my 6-year-old mind when I would’ve come to the exact same conclusion…but I’m not sure I would’ve had the mental wherewithal to handle the situation with such finesse.
Pretty sure I would’ve burst into tears from the embarrassment. My siblings would’ve told everyone that I’m adopted (I’m not actually, but that was one of their favorite jabs because they both have brown eyes and mine are green) and would still be bringing it up to this day. My parents would’ve been completely mortified.
Also, you need a jersey with “Long Sitter” printed on the back above the number 2.
That jersey idea is pure genius.
Thank you, Dana. The style is basically born out of laziness. I write the way I talk. Makes it easier if I don’t have to think about how I’m going to write something. 😅
Your jersey comment made me literally LOL. 🤣
Getting people to write that way when I started sassy was definitely not out of laziness though. Whenever I hired anyone who had been in the publishing world before, I had to beat that magazine speak out of them by making them record themselves telling me the story and then transcribing it. It was slow going. But it did work!
I can just picture you jamming some poor kid who slaved away at their VERY SERIOUS WRITING and telling them to just transcribe their own speech. 🤣
Ha ha ha. You would be surprised how hard it is to unlearn that - and realize it's OK to call it hair three times in one paragraph and you don't need to switch to tresses or mane.
You’re the OG of “write like the voices in your head sound”
But I've never put it quite that eloquently! Thank you, honey!
I have that same style, Andy 😆
I PIONEERED that style back in 1988 - haha - in terms of publishing it at least. And boy did I get so much flack for it!
It’s what drew me in to Sassy so much! You were the one who inadvertently encouraged me to write in my own voice.
I don’t think I have any old issues of Sassy or Jane — I’ve moved so many times and switched coasts 25 years ago, leaving 90% of my belongings in my parents’ basement in Bucks County, PA.
I'm grasping for a poop/cigarettes/BOTH RELATED TO BUTTS joke, but not quite getting there. Appreciate the free month, though!
"But, with very few exceptions, turds are not cigarettes." I would like to hear more about these exceptions.
The logic of children is baffling and hilarious.
I shot iced coffee out my nose when I first read that line. Normally I agonize over picking pull quotes for the lead image, but Andy made this the easiest choice ever
I had wondered which part made you ruin your shirt...
Agreed! I have pondered that line so many times, but that kid logic keeps evading me. I want to know!