The Men’s Grooming Section in Target Has Me LMAO

I don’t know who comes up with these names, but it seems like there’s some kind of pissing match going on in aisle seven

There’s no better place to kill time–and make impulse buys–than at Target. From the moment I grab that shopping cart and lie to myself that I’m not going to fill it with stuff I don’t need, I’m euphoric. None of my visits come in under an hour.

The last time I stopped in, I was stunned by how much the men’s grooming section had grown. I also noted the gorgeous photos of perfectly coifed, well-groomed models showing off their perfect skin, teeth, arms, and facial hair. Target had become a thirst trap.

Look at Target getting all saucy!

So I strolled the aisles to get a closer look, for research purposes only (yeah, right). Then I started reading the names of the products, and a theme began to emerge.

These product lines are meant to sound manly, like manly-man manly. But actually, they just sound ridiculous. See if you can read the following product names without smirking:

Duke Cannon (sounds like a ‘70s TV private investigator)

Scotch Porter (gadfly about town)

DR. SQUATCH (seriously???)

Every Man Jack (does anyone else have the dirty mind I have when I read this, lol?)

Real Men GO24*7 (humblebrag much?)

Hawthorne (one of Robin Hood’s merry men)

Goodfellow & Co. (another ‘70s TV couple who dabbled in crime-solving)

Van Der Hagen (they have a windmill on the logo–which I’m sure makes Don Quixote very happy)

You can’t make this shit up!

Of course, there are the old-school versions, like Jack Black and Beard Club. And stalwarts like Gillette (the best a man can get), Old Spice, and Schick. But does every new product line have to sound like it was workshopped with a bunch of dudes who have “crowd size” issues?

When I brought up this experience during an AJPT staff meeting, our Deputy Editor Charlie Connell (who also happens to be the only guy on the team) said he wouldn’t be caught dead buying any of this new stuff. We kiki’d for about five minutes as I told everyone the names that had me howling. And then they asked me to turn it into a story (which is, indeed, the danger of bringing up stories around a bunch of editors).

Anywho, I didn’t buy anything–not even for myself, and I often prefer how men’s products smell on me.

But I’ll be back again for sure. Why waste a good thirst trap?