Unpopular Opinion: 'How Are You?' Is The Worst Thing You Can Ask Someone

I know my brain is not exactly “typical” — but I also know that a social framework requiring everyone to lie the majority of the time is just plain rude.

Hi how are you?*

I have a close friend who, whenever I ask how they're doing, answers instantly, almost before I’m done asking, “I'm-fine-how-are-you” in a sing-song tone and a quick this-is-perfunctory cadence and no inflection of a question mark at the end of their “you.”

I interpret that response to mean, “I don't feel like being asked how I am.” Or maybe: “I don't believe that you actually want to know how I am, so I'm not going to waste time and effort on an answer.”

(I’m going to interrupt myself here to acknowledge that another friend, Courteney, has been telling me for years how much I would benefit from accepting the fourth agreement that says nothing is personal. Clearly, I am taking a response to my “how are you?” that is likely not at all personal and making it personal. Also clearly, there are only four agreements and I can’t even adhere to more than 75% of them.)

So how thrilled was I to receive this Unpopular Opinion today? Someone else is taking up brain space thinking about the same shit I am!

Enjoy it and send me your Unpopular Opinion to be published here too if you like at jane@anotherjaneprattthing.com. I would love to showcase yours and it may feel good to get it off your chest.

Love you,

Jane

PS But seriously, how are you really? Heehee you can annoy me right back in the comments in any way you want to. Or DM me like all the other AJPTers who took that challenge yesterday when I told you to. You who did can now attest to the fact that I do DM every paid subscriber right back any time of night and day. Correct? (Did you sleep well after punching the bag, Cheryl?) Vouch for me that I promptly respond and I will never again ask you how you are. Unless you want me to. Let me know in the comments!

*In other words, please tell me whether I should forevermore banish this comma-less greeting.

Me in a rare moment of happiness, knowing that birds will never ask me "How are you?"

By Derek Kupper

I have just come from a Reddit thread where I was once again vociferously arguing with people I don’t know who have usernames like “Boob_Lover_Squoob_Lover” or “ParakeetSlapper1182” or “ThisIsSoHighlySpecificAsAUsername-YouKnowItMeansSomething-ButYoullNeverActuallyKnow.”

And I thought, “You know what? Why am I wasting my brilliant arguments on these Reddit peons when there are stylish and wonderful people on AJPT that I could rant at?”

So here you go.

People should stop saying “How are you?” as a generic greeting.

When you meet someone, “Hi, how are you?” should not be the first thing that you say. In fact, unless it’s someone you know well, and you truly want to know how they have been, you shouldn’t say it at all. It’s dumb. When one of the 2000’s greatest comedy shows has a recurring bit that includes the phrase “howareyanow” as a meaningless interaction played for humor, maybe we should listen.

Why shouldn’t you say “How are you?”

“Actually answering that question is a bit much for someone selling you a coffee and sandwich at 7:30 in the morning.”

Well, let’s start with the most obvious reason. Most people who say “How are you?” don’t actually mean it. It’s just a phrase they have used for years. They say it to people they don’t know, people selling them hot dogs, people pushing the elevator button that you need to push because you’d push it right, and they are making the elevator slow. It is not a phrase with meaning and intent. It’s just a sequence of words when one word would be better suited.

But that’s more an argument of efficiency, and I understand that most people do not gauge the value of any particular interaction or activity by how efficient it is. So let’s look at the bigger issue: Lying. Asking someone “How are you?” has a handful of possible responses.

The easiest is the one I usually choose: “Hi.” You completely ignore the question and pretend like they said “Hi.” If that’s what you’re going to do, then just say “Hi.” It’s fewer words. It’s more honest. But it also weirds people out occasionally when you respond with words that don’t match what they said.

Me, contemplating running away to be a hermit so that no one will ever again ask "How are you" when I'm just trying to buy a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and a tub of ice cream (also, clearly, NOT GREAT BOB!) I've got the look ready to go.

The next option is actually answering the question. And given the world we live in and the world we’ve lived in since, say, the beginning of time (or at least Western civilization), the actual answer is going to be somewhere in the range between “I am dissociating in order to pretend things are good” to “I wish that the heat death of the universe was not so damn far away.”

And that’s potentially a bit much for someone selling you a coffee and a sandwich at 7:30 in the morning to handle— especially if you’re the 19th person who’s said it since they came on shift.

There’s a halfway honest answer where you say something like “Living the dream” if you’re a white dude or “Eh,” or “I have no idea,” or “reasonable,” or “eh, but with a little bit of a sob at the end.” And all of those are slightly better. They give the person you’re talking to a bit of information, they give someone that really cares the opportunity to say, “I’m sorry to hear that,” or “It’ll get better. God it has to get better doesn’t it?”

But those answers are still not entirely true.

And then the last option is the one most people pick: