Unpopular Opinion: Stop Letting Other Cars Into Traffic

It's not "being nice." Plus: Get paid to rant here yourself!

Hello wonderful smart people,

I’m already having a day. Are you also? I have an idea. Let’s drop all the issues of the world - and our own worlds - to tackle this very pressing matter that our Andy has alerted me to. I had no idea all the nuances to this common predicament. And then please send me your rants about little or big issues affecting you to Unpopular Opinion at jane@anotherjaneprattthing.com so that we can take a break from the world and focus on your majorly minor issues also.

I thank you and I love you always. And don’t feel like you have to agree with Andy - he can take it. Also don't feel like you have to stay on topic. I had written a long me-me-me intro that I (mercifully for you) cut, but I do plan to go into all of my own happenings and concerns of the moment in the comments. Feel free to do the same! We're talking about cutting people off in traffic here, so any personal item you want to raise is certainly equally critical and fair game.

Jane

PS Andy makes me laugh and I hope you too. Have a day!

These texts aren't going to answer themselves. Besides, I'm stuck waiting behind some asshole who decided to let a funeral procession into traffic. HE'S GOT ETERNITY TO WAIT. I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO.

By Andy Finley

We’ve all experienced this. Driving from here to there, listening to Led Zeppelin, or NPR, or the sound of your own existential dread crystallizing, and then, from out of nowhere, the car in front of you stops, forcing you to slam on the brakes.

Was there a stop sign? A traffic light? Canada geese using a crosswalk? No, my friends, there was not. Instead, it was another car that the person in front of you waved into traffic.

I know what these people are thinking. “I’m being nice!” No. They are not being nice. They are a menace—more dangerous than Donald Trump’s finger on the nuclear button. They need to pull over, park the car and call someone to come get them. Uber and Amazon are their connections to the outside world now.

Here’s the deal: traffic laws exist for a reason. This means people don’t get to just make them up as they go. People who decide to ignore these laws for the sake of being “nice” are putting themselves and other drivers at risk. Why? Because nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. If I want to watch improv, I’ll tune into “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”

My Default State. “Don't you even fucking THINK about cutting into traffic.”

When I see someone waiting to enter traffic, I blow right past them. Sometimes I wave if I’m feeling frisky. I’ve got places to go and people to offend. Maybe the person behind me decides they need to risk the lives of everyone behind them and stops, but I’m well on my way, contentedly updating my Facebook status on my phone.

Sometimes it’s not so simple. When I have to go to the office (a blessedly rare occurrence), there’s a section of the road which comes to a complete standstill. An apartment building is right there, with the occasional car trying to shoehorn its way into traffic. You know what I do? I ride the bumper of the car in front of me—and I do it with a smile on my face. Sometimes a driver tries to force their way in, but they’re in a brand new Seven Series BMW, and I’m driving a nineteen-year-old Honda Civic (five-speed all the way, baby!).

Guess who cares less about damage to their car? I savor the velvety smoothness of making the world a safer place as I root around in my backpack for the tin of Altoids. Peppermint is for amateurs. Team Wintergreen all the way. This bonus Unpopular Opinion comes to you free of charge.

This is literally the only time I have been that chill behind the wheel of a car.

I know what you’re thinking. “Letting people into traffic is the right thing to do. I’d want someone to do the same thing for me!” Trust me, you do not. Thirty years ago, I was driving a car I’d borrowed from a friend, waiting to take a left turn out of a gas station on a four-lane road. Car after car drove by me as if I wasn’t there. Then, someone in the lane closest to me stopped and waved me in.

My left turn signal was on, so there was no mistaking my intentions. However, like an idiot, I trusted this Nice Person to have already checked the other lane to make sure it was clear. So, I pulled out and WHAM. I totaled the car and the friendship, while sustaining a concussion for my trouble.

Now, was it stupid of me to trust that guy and just go? You bet your ass. I was twenty four, so stupidity is just part of the package at that age. Does that negate my argument? I’ve got a pocket full of “No” here, just for you. In fact, my situation was almost identical to a separate vicarious liability lawsuit the year prior. Now, if I’d had the knowledge at the time, perhaps I could have sued the Good Samaritan who waved me into traffic as Jesus intended. But, then again, that would have required the guy to not immediately drive around me after the wreck and go on about his day. Asshole.

Yes, my car is a shitbox. How else could I afford to drive this way?

So, let’s be clear: if you encounter someone who is waiting to enter traffic, let them wait. It will not ruin their day. It will not fill you with more self-loathing than you already possess. Well…it might, but at this point a little more makes no difference.

Anyway, what it will do is ensure that everyone around you on the road is safe—at least until you decide that squirrel is more important than the minivan full of cheerleaders behind you.