The 2018 World Cup made dealing with my mother’s passing tolerable. This one’s pathetic and tainted by political shit. I can’t help but compare and contrast. Here goes.
This is so good, and I can't cover the entirety of why in a comment but I want to say how much I love the familiarity of this; the rituals of doing things like going outside and sitting next to a frog made me laugh and also brought me right back to the 3 weeks I lived in the ICU with my step-father. I love your humor - I laughed out loud a number of times. And I'm with you on feeling demoralized about this World Cup. It should be very different. I'm so sorry about your mom. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you so much. There are so many photos of that frog in my phone, it's a little unhinged. And long before I ever really dealt with grief, I was pretty sure humor would be my way through, and, yuuuup.
Finding those small things that we can focus on during an incredibly painful ordeal has saved me more than once. An old friend of mine taught me how to focus on what I was doing that second, and repeat it to myself out loud. (I'm getting out of bed, I'm getting out of bed, I'm getting out of bed.) Then, I'd move onto the next thing and repeat that. (I'm putting on my slippers. I'm putting on my slippers.) He told me to do that all day long. I thought he was nuts at the time, but that was almost 30 years ago, and I've used that technique as recently as last year.
This story broke my heart in two - oh, that last photo. This piece not only memorializes your Ship, but is a tribute to your love and dedication as her son. My mother died while I was 400 miles away and I still feel guilty for not being there, even though her death was sudden. One thing I wanted you to correct, Charlie, is that I think you mean to use the word AGONIZE in this sentence: As much as I had antagonized over it, both when it was a mere hypothetical and during the recent days it had loomed over everything, it wasn’t much of a decision. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Charlie, I am so sorry you lost your Mom. There is so much lovely stuff in this story. I believe she heard all your one way conversations with her. She was lucky to have a son like you, and a husband like your Dad. She was so loved! The green vinyl chair, oh I hate those things, although we sure need them in the rooms. I think watching the soccer games brought the outside world into that limbo land of a month. Your Mom, being a sports fan, would have been thrilled the games offered some sort of reliable schedule in a world turned upside down. Finally, I love the green frog. I have one in a park near me, and frequently sit next to him. He helps with everything! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much. One of the very last things we were able to do with her was listen to the Red Sox game on the radio (they beat the Nationals 3-0), which I know she appreciated.
What a wonderfully eloquent comment. Do you work in medicine yourself? I'm only asking because you said that you need those chairs in the room. Thank you for noticing all those beautiful details of Charlie's.
Jane, what I meant was I have spent time in those green hospital chairs too. For happy occasions like holding babies, and for sad nights when my Dad was dying. Not a fan of the chairs, but I was glad to be close to whoever was in the bed.
Thank you so much for clarifying. I am too literal sometimes. I know the green chairs too from the same perspective.
The main two things they recall for me are living on one for about a week in a hospital with my daughter and my daughter's dad half passing out on one while I was in labor. So many uses! Thanks again for writing back.
Such a beautiful telling of your story, Charlie. That same summer I sat with my grandmother when she was in hospice. I could tell the time by what channel the “Friends” rerun I was watching was on. I got a lot of comfort from something small that I knew very well. No surprises + nostalgia.
I’m not a sports person, but I’ve been enthralled with World Cup coverage of tourists having their minds blown by stuff that’s good and interesting and absurd about this country. Not just the fast food introductions, but mostly the interactions between tourists and locals. The Scots in Boston and Algerians in a Kansas town where I spend time twice a year are putting so much joy into our country, which we desperately need. I’m curious to see if the world’s opinion of us changes because so many people are experiencing real Americans, and not our fascist administration through media filters.
Well said and I want to look for that more too. In NYC it's a constant to have people from all over, but even here I notice more people filming the squirrels and apologizing when they bump into me and I love what that means.
Charlie, I thought that I’d prove Jane wrong by not crying by the end of this essay, but I guess I’m human after all (I’m never entirely sure). I don’t think your opinion is particularly unpopular in this particular context, but I haven’t done an exhaustive survey, so I can’t be too sure.
It wasn’t until you pointed it out that I began to notice a pattern when it comes to dead (or nonexistent or dying) democracies and the location for the next World Cup in recent years. I just know how excited I was when North America was chosen—and how shockingly things have deteriorated since then.
But I digress…
Charlie, this line is a killer:
“When my day-to-day was nothing but reminders of our mortality, the fans reminded me why our lives are so precious in the first place. The feeling was infectious. It reminded me that I shouldn’t be focusing on the dwindling number of hours I had left with my mom, but on the hundreds of thousands of hours we spent together…”
Oh wow man… one thing I am sure of is that the love you have for, and from your family is beautiful, and your mama will always be proud of you. That Ship outlives the grave and ashes.
Wow thank you for sharing this with such humor and vulnerability. I had similar one-sided conversations with my father after his stroke, and I’ve said in one too many essays that I’d never felt more connected to him than at that time; it felt like he was truly listening.
That's so beautiful and takes me back to the conversations I had with my dad when he was in a coma for a few months before dying. I wrote about it here already, but in one of the conversations, my brother was beside me and told my dad it was OK to let go and I was yelling that it was not OK. We were having our usual sibling battles even then. It was all comforting though. Thanks for writing this. Xo
I feel so much the same about this year's World Cup. One of my Australian friends texted me before the USA Australia match and asked me about the atmosphere around the games. While I've seen some lovely clips of joyous fans dancing online and I did see the bars in my town of San Diego fairly busy with fans watching on TVs, it has made me so angry and depressed the way the horrible regime is and has been treating visitors to our country. Free and fair elections in November can't come soon enough.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Charlie. Thank you for sharing your story with us. The current state of things in our government is beyond shameful, but communicating with all of the wonderful people here gives me hope that things will turn around. They have to. 🤞
Jane, I'm afraid that I need all of these shirts in my life! I just turned 50 and I'm celebrating by embarking upon my "Summer of Sassy" in which I'm going to reread every amazing issue from cover to cover. It's going to be amazing! 😎
Thanks Charlie for this amazing piece! I still gasp and tear up by the end even after so many reads.
And thank you Beatrice for always being the first to like these highly likable stories!!!
This is so good, and I can't cover the entirety of why in a comment but I want to say how much I love the familiarity of this; the rituals of doing things like going outside and sitting next to a frog made me laugh and also brought me right back to the 3 weeks I lived in the ICU with my step-father. I love your humor - I laughed out loud a number of times. And I'm with you on feeling demoralized about this World Cup. It should be very different. I'm so sorry about your mom. Thank you for writing this.
Thank you so much. There are so many photos of that frog in my phone, it's a little unhinged. And long before I ever really dealt with grief, I was pretty sure humor would be my way through, and, yuuuup.
Beautiful comment. The frog reference made me laugh too.
Finding those small things that we can focus on during an incredibly painful ordeal has saved me more than once. An old friend of mine taught me how to focus on what I was doing that second, and repeat it to myself out loud. (I'm getting out of bed, I'm getting out of bed, I'm getting out of bed.) Then, I'd move onto the next thing and repeat that. (I'm putting on my slippers. I'm putting on my slippers.) He told me to do that all day long. I thought he was nuts at the time, but that was almost 30 years ago, and I've used that technique as recently as last year.
Small things matter. A lot.
This story broke my heart in two - oh, that last photo. This piece not only memorializes your Ship, but is a tribute to your love and dedication as her son. My mother died while I was 400 miles away and I still feel guilty for not being there, even though her death was sudden. One thing I wanted you to correct, Charlie, is that I think you mean to use the word AGONIZE in this sentence: As much as I had antagonized over it, both when it was a mere hypothetical and during the recent days it had loomed over everything, it wasn’t much of a decision. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Ugh! Spellcheck got me and I didn’t notice. Thank you!
Just leave it to ol' Eagle Eyed Alter!
No joke! I had read it so many times too. Thank you! And sorry to Charlie as your editor!
Charlie, I am so sorry you lost your Mom. There is so much lovely stuff in this story. I believe she heard all your one way conversations with her. She was lucky to have a son like you, and a husband like your Dad. She was so loved! The green vinyl chair, oh I hate those things, although we sure need them in the rooms. I think watching the soccer games brought the outside world into that limbo land of a month. Your Mom, being a sports fan, would have been thrilled the games offered some sort of reliable schedule in a world turned upside down. Finally, I love the green frog. I have one in a park near me, and frequently sit next to him. He helps with everything! Thank you for sharing.
Leigh
Thank you so much. One of the very last things we were able to do with her was listen to the Red Sox game on the radio (they beat the Nationals 3-0), which I know she appreciated.
Wow and thank you for that detail. I'm sure she appreciated that too.
What a wonderfully eloquent comment. Do you work in medicine yourself? I'm only asking because you said that you need those chairs in the room. Thank you for noticing all those beautiful details of Charlie's.
Jane, what I meant was I have spent time in those green hospital chairs too. For happy occasions like holding babies, and for sad nights when my Dad was dying. Not a fan of the chairs, but I was glad to be close to whoever was in the bed.
Thank you so much for clarifying. I am too literal sometimes. I know the green chairs too from the same perspective.
The main two things they recall for me are living on one for about a week in a hospital with my daughter and my daughter's dad half passing out on one while I was in labor. So many uses! Thanks again for writing back.
Such a beautiful telling of your story, Charlie. That same summer I sat with my grandmother when she was in hospice. I could tell the time by what channel the “Friends” rerun I was watching was on. I got a lot of comfort from something small that I knew very well. No surprises + nostalgia.
I’m not a sports person, but I’ve been enthralled with World Cup coverage of tourists having their minds blown by stuff that’s good and interesting and absurd about this country. Not just the fast food introductions, but mostly the interactions between tourists and locals. The Scots in Boston and Algerians in a Kansas town where I spend time twice a year are putting so much joy into our country, which we desperately need. I’m curious to see if the world’s opinion of us changes because so many people are experiencing real Americans, and not our fascist administration through media filters.
Watching videos of English fans experience Buc-ee's and Germans visiting Waffle House has given me so much joy. And thank you so much.
Well said and I want to look for that more too. In NYC it's a constant to have people from all over, but even here I notice more people filming the squirrels and apologizing when they bump into me and I love what that means.
Charlie, I thought that I’d prove Jane wrong by not crying by the end of this essay, but I guess I’m human after all (I’m never entirely sure). I don’t think your opinion is particularly unpopular in this particular context, but I haven’t done an exhaustive survey, so I can’t be too sure.
It wasn’t until you pointed it out that I began to notice a pattern when it comes to dead (or nonexistent or dying) democracies and the location for the next World Cup in recent years. I just know how excited I was when North America was chosen—and how shockingly things have deteriorated since then.
But I digress…
Charlie, this line is a killer:
“When my day-to-day was nothing but reminders of our mortality, the fans reminded me why our lives are so precious in the first place. The feeling was infectious. It reminded me that I shouldn’t be focusing on the dwindling number of hours I had left with my mom, but on the hundreds of thousands of hours we spent together…”
Oh wow man… one thing I am sure of is that the love you have for, and from your family is beautiful, and your mama will always be proud of you. That Ship outlives the grave and ashes.
Now this comment made me cry too. You are so wise and such a beautiful writer too.
Wow thank you for sharing this with such humor and vulnerability. I had similar one-sided conversations with my father after his stroke, and I’ve said in one too many essays that I’d never felt more connected to him than at that time; it felt like he was truly listening.
That's so beautiful and takes me back to the conversations I had with my dad when he was in a coma for a few months before dying. I wrote about it here already, but in one of the conversations, my brother was beside me and told my dad it was OK to let go and I was yelling that it was not OK. We were having our usual sibling battles even then. It was all comforting though. Thanks for writing this. Xo
Goodness, grief is a beast. I can imagine tomorrow, Father’s Day, may be hard and I am sending you love xx
I feel so much the same about this year's World Cup. One of my Australian friends texted me before the USA Australia match and asked me about the atmosphere around the games. While I've seen some lovely clips of joyous fans dancing online and I did see the bars in my town of San Diego fairly busy with fans watching on TVs, it has made me so angry and depressed the way the horrible regime is and has been treating visitors to our country. Free and fair elections in November can't come soon enough.
Hallelujah Hayley! You said it perfectly. Plus I love San Diego and haven't been in ages, so thanks for reminding me how much fun I have had there.
I'm so very sorry for your loss, Charlie. Thank you for sharing your story with us. The current state of things in our government is beyond shameful, but communicating with all of the wonderful people here gives me hope that things will turn around. They have to. 🤞
Jane, I'm afraid that I need all of these shirts in my life! I just turned 50 and I'm celebrating by embarking upon my "Summer of Sassy" in which I'm going to reread every amazing issue from cover to cover. It's going to be amazing! 😎