Your Horoscope and Personal Astrological Coaching Are FREE This Month!
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Hello, good people!
I love how you operate.
Paid subscribers, I’ll start with you because I worked in publishing back when all subscriptions were paid and all writers were compensated relatively fairly (unless maybe you were writing for Spin or Nylon or The Source at that time). So those of you paying your six dollars a month (or less if you take out a founding subscription) so that we can replicate that model as much as is possible in these AI times, I love you, I thank you deeply and I know exactly who you are. (Paid subscribers who get an email from my janky yahoo account, that is actually non-automated me, just not switching over when I see that you upgraded, to tell you how much I appreciate your support and I mean it.)
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And now for some breaking news: NEW SASSY MAGAZINE T-SHIRTS!
Last week, one of you lovelies alerted me that the Best Shirt Ever (“ever” meaning since we sold them in SASSY Magazine starting 38 years ago) was stupidly only available in sizes up to 3XL. Well that’s because the company that makes the shirts only carries pink shirts in those weeny sizes. So my wonderful partner in crime Ani and I went and created what I now think is an even more gorgeous version. It features, as you can see, the glorious color pairing of hot pink on red! I’m producing it exclusively for sizes 4XL and 5XL. In celebration, I will give them away free to two commenters who tell me in the comments below why they want it.
See you in the comments! Unless you’re too busy having your best sex ever or getting your teeth checked (Virgo) or enjoying any of the other incredibly precise predictions from Bee below.
Love love always, Jane
PS If you haven’t already, you can still vote for all of the controversial books you’re interested in reading (and there are prizes involved!). Next week we’ll close it out and announce the exciting and worthy winners.
PPS Today’s horoscope column is unusually free to everyone, which also means that you can get personalized coaching - which is usually for paid subscribers only - from the most amazing and unique astrologer I know right there in the comments. I use her every month personally. And look how great my life is! Okay then.
Our Astrologer Threw A Bloody Tampon At Someone’s Face
(Plus Your Usually Costly But This Month FREE Individual Predictions)
By The Zine Witch
So there I was, in the tragically muted green rotunda hallway gripping my not so gently used bloody tampon in my hands as I furiously walked down the hallway like an actual Terminator towards Karen’s room. I could not take it anymore. This see you next Tuesday had pushed me too far. Too far! Now I’m over the edge. Yeah, I’m Donita Sparks of L7, baby, and you’re on my shit list. And suddenly, I hit my target. I furiously opened the door and threw it. Right to the kisser. Headfirst, full force. Imagine me. The elevator scene from The Shining. The reluctant hero. Let the fucking games begin.
“Residential school looked like a prison. Kids were medicated severely to compliance. Sexual predators roamed the halls. One cop traded cigarettes for young girls’ tits.”
Residential school was a wild, chaotic, absurd place. Valley of the babydolls. For starters, it looked like a prison. Kids were medicated severely to compliance. Fights broke out constantly. Psychological warfare was everywhere. Sexual predators roamed the halls. One cop traded cigarettes for young girls’ tits. I was punished for defending myself. We all were. I was punished for reacting. I was punished for being human. Bullies went free. Adults were absent, negligent, or predatory. Every day was a brutal, absurd test of endurance.
When Judy spent too much time on the pay phone, the girls got together and cut all of her hair off and every individual piece of clothing in her closet into shreds to teach her a lesson. Day, one, the teddy bear that my dead mother’s best friend had given me that I’ve had since the day I was born was torn to shreds. After losing my father, it was a devastating loss, but there were no times for my tears. Like everything else in my life, it had to be dead and buried and move on for my own survival. This was my reality now.
I have always dreamed of writing this experience as a television show. The absurdity, the pure characters, the danger, the chaos is practically a blueprint for dark comedy, horror, and social critique all at once. Every moment highlighted structural issues in ways you could never stage. The system was designed to fail kids like me, to punish difference, to control rather than protect. And yet, somehow, it made me who I am. I learned to meet chaos head-on, to take fire and turn it into survival, and maybe one day into story.
Being autistic, the school system had no idea what to do with me. And like many neurodivergent kids who just needed care and coregulation, I was sent away for most of my late teens. The more I look back, no one questioned why the behavior happened. They were much more focused on controlling it than understanding the root issue. Many of our systems are designed this way. But this is where I ended up.
“My parents both died by the time I was 13. I was raised by a stepmother who was slowly descending into madness, so I looked to my rock gods in Rolling Stone, Spin, Sassy, Circus, and whatever other magazine I was reading for advice.”
I really just wanted to be everyone’s friend growing up. With undiagnosed autism, I often ended up alone or worse, bullied for being myself. A lot of of my poor behavior was just a reaction to my environment. I feel like I was a good kid at heart. I tried to be but would often fail. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t keep up. I wasn’t…interested in what was being taught.
And like any kid who had gone thought the tremendous personal hell I grew up in, I had problems. My parents were not present and both died by the time I was 13. I was raised by a stepmother who was slowly descending into madness, so I had to look to my rock gods in the pages of Rolling Stone, Spin, Sassy, Circus, and whatever other magazine I was reading at the time for advice on how to grow up because I sure as hell was doing it alone.
In a place like that, minding your own business was practically an invitation to a nosebleed. Predators could smell hesitation the way sharks smell blood. Judy’s biggest crime was calling her mother too much and they butchered her entire wardrobe. In this world, your shampoo was pissed in. Toothpaste was rubbed on your face while you slept so you woke up with your entire face burning. Anyone could turn on you at any time. And the staff repeatedly told you you’re worthless. I left my body at a certain point.
Every hallway felt like a battleground. You learned to read a room in half a second. Who was about to snap. Who was high on their meds. Who had decided today was the day they were going to make someone else miserable just to feel powerful for ten minutes. The adults floated around like ghosts who had already given up. Sometimes they were negligent. Sometimes they were cruel. Sometimes they were just tired in that hollow way people get when they work inside a broken system too long.
The rules were arbitrary and the punishments were not about safety. They were about control. If you defended yourself you were aggressive. If you reacted you were unstable. If you cried you were manipulative. If you stayed quiet you were suspicious. There was no winning the game because the game itself was rigged.
So kids created their own ecosystem. Alliances formed and collapsed overnight. Rumors traveled faster than light. Some kids hardened into little warlords. Others disappeared into the background and tried to become invisible. Some of us developed a strange dark humor about it all because laughter was one of the only ways to metabolize the insanity of it.
Looking back, it was absurd in the way only institutional life can be absurd. Teenagers navigating violence, hormones, grief, medication, and abandonment all at once. Children trying to survive systems designed to contain them rather than understand them. You learned quickly that survival was not about being the strongest person in the room. It was about being the most adaptable. To turn off all feeling. The most observant. The one who could sense danger before it arrived. A breeding ground for sociopaths.
And sometimes survival meant snapping.
Sometimes it meant gripping a tampon like a tiny weapon of war and marching down a fluorescent hallway with the conviction of a soldier who had finally decided the battle was unavoidable. Karen had gone too far. She had given my diary to another student who took it upon themselves to photocopy and share it all over school. My private poems, my thoughts, fears, prayers…exposed. Now it was war.
I don’t know what came over me. It was like my mind stepped into a new persona in that moment. I became my own hero. Donita Sparks was the Aries singer of the band L7 a group that played with ferocious intensity and absolutely refused to take anyone’s shit. She is perhaps most famous, however, for an infamous moment at a concert when a heckler in the audience pushed her too far. In response, Sparks pulled out a used tampon and hurled it straight at his fucking head, instantly cementing the band’s reputation for fearless, confrontational punk rock. And now, I too was pulling a Donita.
Aries is the god of war. In the Jewish tradition, to celebrate the new year, the first month of the zodiacal new year, we blow an instrument called the shofar, which is made from the ram’s horn. The noise of the shofar is loud, jarring, and can bring a room to pause. Aries energy enters the room with a gust of fury much like the sound of a shofar. Traditionally, the shofar is meant to intimidate the enemy, to declare war, and to call people to assembly. As such, Aries energy bursts in with this energy. Like Donita Sparks. Like me in this moment where I declared The Crimson Uprising.
You see, Aries energy pushes us to the edge where politeness collapses and instinct takes over. It is the moment when the body says enough. Enough humiliation. Enough silence. Enough swallowing anger to keep the peace. Aries is the archetype that grabs the door handle, throws it open, and acts. It is not always graceful. It is not always strategic. Sometimes it looks like chaos. Sometimes it looks like a teenager in a residential hallway launching a tampon like a biological grenade.
But beneath the absurdity is something ancient and sacred. Aries is the force that defends the self when no one else will. It is the spark of life that refuses to be crushed. It is the war cry of the nervous system that has endured too much and finally pushes back. In a world where I was constantly punished for reacting, Aries was the part of me that refused to disappear.
I will not be fucked with, Karen. And I never was by her ever again. Her roommate? Now my best friend. I won the battle and the war. Take that!
Listen, I am a very demure person these days. I would never throw a bloody tampon at anyone except for perhaps the maintenance worker who consistently says misogynistic things to me, though I have reported him at least a half a dozen times, but only has his job because he’s union…… But that’s a complaint for another day. These days we handle our business in a more civilized way: using our big girl voice and asking for what we need directly.
All of this is to say: I’m not telling you to throw a tampon at someone this month. Though maybe you want to. The month awakens that urge to disrupt, to shake things loose, to confront what’s been stagnating. It asks you to call forth the master or hero within yourself, to step into your own authority, to start something new even if it feels reckless or audacious. You may surprise yourself with your own audacity. It’s a time to declare war on old patterns, on fear, on complacency, on anything that’s been quietly controlling you. This is the energy that pushes you to ignite bold ideas, unapologetic self-expression, and fierce independence, even if it scares you a little.
FOR ALL SIGNS:
Best Day for Healing Work or Therapy (your choice!) - April 17
Best Day for Sex or a Deep Conversation (again, your choice) - April 25
AND HERE ARE YOUR INDIVIDUAL HOROSCOPES - ALL FREE THIS TIME:
Astrologers tend to write horoscopes for your rising sign or Ascendent. This is the sign that was rising in the east when you were born. This tends to be the most accurate prediction. However, will need your birth time for that and you can go to various websites to figure out your own particular chart, but I enjoy Astro.com. If you do not know your birth time, feel free to read these for your sun sign, which works also.
Aries & Aries Rising- After weeks of exhaustion, you may be feeling like putting yourself out there more! There might be a little fire in your chest this month telling you to start fresh, take risks, and finally do what makes you feel alive instead of what everyone else expects. Someone close might get dramatic when you stop bending to their whims, and a relationship could reveal who actually gets you versus who’s just along for the ride. This is your moment to claim your space, speak your truth, and sprinkle a little extra sparkle on your own life. The people and opportunities that really belong will show up, and the rest can twiddle their thumbs somewhere else.
Taurus & Taurus Rising- This month is the time to slow down and give yourself a little extra care. You might notice your body and your routines have been running on empty, and it’s time to rest, recharge, and pay attention to what actually supports your health. Small changes to your daily habits sleep, meals, movement can make a huge difference in how you feel. Someone or something in your life may push for more from you than you can give, and that’s your cue to honor your limits. When you prioritize your well-being and protect your energy, everything else falls into place more easily.
Gemini & Gemini Rising- This month is all about what lights you up and who’s cheering you on. You might feel a surge of creative energy or a craving to do things that just make you happy, no explanations needed. At the same time, your friendships and social circles could shake things up, showing you who really has your back and who’s just along for the ride. This is a month to follow your curiosity, make space for fun and self-expression, and invest in connections that actually energize you. When you lean into what excites you and the people who get it, everything else falls into place.
Cancer & Cancer Rising- This cycle feels like the universe is inviting you to play both interior designer and CEO of your life. The full moon in your fourth house shines a spotlight on home, family, and the emotional corners you’ve been avoiding, urging you to tidy up old baggage and create a sanctuary that actually feels like yours. Meanwhile, the new moon in your tenth house whispers, “time to show up,” planting seeds for career moves, public recognition, or a new life direction. It’s a dance between nesting and rising like grounding yourself in what feels secure while stepping into ambitions that finally honor your inner truth. This is the moment to make your personal foundation work as hard as your public persona.
Leo & Leo Rising- You might find yourself needing to speak your truth, share your insights, or release old patterns of thinking that no longer serve you. Siblings, neighbors, or close connections could play a bigger role than usual, bringing either closure or revelation. Emotionally, your mind is where the drama unfolds, so watch for mental overdrive or impulsive communication. This is about stepping into bigger ideas, new philosophies, or long-distance experiences that broaden your worldview. Travel, higher education, spiritual growth, or publishing could all be themes. You’re being asked to take a leap of faith, trust in your curiosity, and set intentions for personal growth that feels adventurous and meaningful. It’s a reset for how you see the world and how the world sees you.
Virgo & Virgo Rising- This month is putting your resources and your sense of security under the microscope. You might notice where you’ve been giving too much of yourself: time, money, or energy and finally decide some of it needs to stay put. Things that feel hidden or off-limits in relationships could surface, showing you who is really loyal and who’s just along for the ride. This is a month to own your worth, set boundaries around what you share, and make space for the people and projects that actually matter. When you honor yourself, everything else falls into place naturally. Oh, and keep an eye on your teeth this month. It’s not a bad time for a dental check up or to pay a little bit more attention to what you’re consuming.
Libra & Libra Rising- Balance, baby. That’s key this month. You may be noticing your own needs more these days. You don’t just need to be loved, you need to be understood. You don’t need work that drains you or people who take without giving. You need space to create, to move, to show up fully as yourself and you need the same from others. But, you also wanna look cute while doing it. This is a month to show off your pizzaz. Someone close might push against your boundaries later in the month, testing whether you’ll shrink or finally say no. A new connection could appear, bold and unpredictable, challenging the way you’ve done relationships so far. Or you may prefer the company this month of sharp people who challenge the old and welcome in the new. This is a month to stop apologizing for taking up space, to speak your truth clearly, and to invest your energy only where it actually matters. The people and opportunities that belong in your life will rise to meet you, and the rest will fade without a fight. This is a good month to start a spicy new connection or commit with your work life. Just make sure to pause, listen closely, and pay attention to what it tells you about your own needs and desires.
Scorpio & Scorpio Rising- This month it’s all about finally shedding the invisible chains of people-pleasing and relationships that lead to your subconscious undoing. You’re seeing the ways you’ve bent yourself into someone else’s mold, the old scripts you’ve followed to keep the peace, and now you’re ready to dissolve them. You’re planting intentions around self-priority, daily habits, your work life, and boundaries, creating a routine and meaningful work that serves you first. This is your villain era: unapologetic, decisive, and fierce in how you take care of yourself and claim your space. There is a need to pay a little bit more attention to your health this month and to rest where and when necessary. Take that oil of oregano or chug that fire cider and be kind to yourself.
Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising- This month brings a strong focus on your inner child and the people you genuinely connect with. Parents may notice their children taking meaningful steps toward self-expression, while others might find themselves stepping into the role of the big sister or brother they once needed. It’s a wonderful time for dating, pleasure, and deepening connections. Some reevaluations around who you connect with may arise, but these shifts will ultimately strengthen your relationships. This is a great time to take a calculated risk towards your goals and the future you envision.
Capricorn & Capricorn Rising- Work life balance is at the core of this month for you. This month is all about finding balance between your progressional ambitions and personal fulfillment, making sure your work aligns with your deeper values. You might feel pulled to make adjustments whether setting boundaries, reprioritizing projects, or reclaiming time for yourself but these changes will help you step into a more authentic and sustainable version of success. There’s an opportunity to clean house, literally or figuratively at this time. Who you are is changing, and with that comes the pillars that create the scaffolding around your life.
Aquarius & Aquarius Rising- You may be questioning your beliefs, long-term goals, or sense of purpose while also noticing the need to communicate more openly and authentically in your daily life. Travel, learning, or exploring new perspectives could inspire breakthroughs, and conversations with others whether casual or deep might reveal exactly what you need to shift to feel more aligned. This is a great time for publishing, broadcasting, or sharing your ideas with the world around you. Connect and use your voice.
Pisces & Pisces Rising- This month is about reclaiming your worth. You are being asked to plant seeds around your self value and financial stability this month while examining the deeper agreements you have made with others. Finances, taxes, debts, these are the areas of concern this month. You may be looking at how much you consume or what it is that you’re consuming. It’s also not a bad time to take care of your teeth and make a dental appointment. By the end of the month you may find yourself standing a little more firmly in the truth that your energy, your time, and your gifts have real value, and that the right exchanges will honor that.
Quick question about my specific sign's advice for this month (that would be Scorpio, the best sign): when you said to look out for our health and do the oil of oregano and cider - is that apple cider vinegar? Or something else?
Oh whoops, I just looked it up and it is apple cider vinegar but with some other stuff too. OK, I'm in! Just everyone brush your teeth after the apple cider because it eroded mine way back when.
I was literally going to ask if you (Bee) were in contact with anyone from this time in the residential... And you answered for me. What karma!
Amazing story and it reminded me of Ottessa Mosfegh's work, particularly Eileen. Have you read it?