"The Most Accurate Horoscope In The World!!!" — Jane. And anyway, it's free.

PLUS: More FREE Beautiful Sassy Shirts and Signed Sassy Issues From Me! AND: New Editor Announcement! Look because what if it's you.

Hi Popsicles,

If that greeting doesn't make you want to unsubscribe right now, especially following that harrowing quote from Bee’s story above it, you're my kind of sunshiny weirdo. By the way, speaking of unsubscribing, I got more unsubscribes after the Fourth Of July post than from any other to date. Wahoo for continually breaking records! (One of today’s unsubscribers from that piece goes by @fartina so Ani and I had a great time with that because we are so mature.) A close second for eliciting multiple subscription cancellations was this story about getting addicted to a bizarre MAGA-funded exercise regimen. There definitely seems to be a political through-line here. Which makes this as good a time as any to all send MILLIONS OF CONGRATULATIONS to my former colleague and always friend, E. Jean Carroll for getting almost enough money to make up for the disgusting horror she endured. I’m still sorry it happened to you, E. Jean, but you have used your platform brilliantly and can now help other women get heard AND pay for lunch if you insist.

Anyway! I'm not going to continue to yammer on in my usual fashion before I let you get to your horoscope reading today. I just have two importantish updates:

We started selling all these gorgeous new Sassy shirts in various carefully selected colors and the styles you requested after the original pink-on-pink version was such a hit. Your orders came in and in and in and it was so much fucking fun to see which colors you liked best, etc. BUT then we had issues with our production partner (I would usually name them and everyone who wrongs us, but they may now be doing the right thing so should I encourage that by not calling them out or do you want me to name them in the comments? Let me know there and it’s totally up to you).

Without warning, said company started charging us more to produce the shirts than we had agreed to, which meant in some cases more than you were paying. Then some of you got letters from them because they tried to fix it by canceling your orders. Fortunately, I’ve talked to you folks who that happened to and have been happily able to make it up to you with new shirt orders and some comp subscriptions, so ok. So now the setup is better and we can all feel fairly assured that the $28 you’re paying per shirt will cover its cost. We may have to raise our prices eventually but I am stubbornly keeping them where they are for now. Making it a great time to order a ton of these can’t-pick-just-one-or-two shirts now.

AND I am herewith extending the offer that ended July 5 and will now give a free shirt of your choice to anyone who upgrades to an annual or lifetime AJPT subscription by the end of this month. You can follow the instructions from the original giveaway and comment in that thread about what style you want. Your comment also puts you in the running to get a signed or unsigned old issue of Sassy sent directly from me and I promise it will be real Sassy and not the zombie Sassy it became after the original staff was gone. Happy shopping and/or subscribing (subscribing is my recommended option, because you will also get to read the sequel to Leslie’s gripping story about her abusive mom and more AND because getting something for free can feel good).

Second update: If you are one of the thousands of people who applied for the writing and editing position here at AJPT, I am getting in touch with the first hire this week and will announce her on my next post (yes, the winner identifies as female, so that narrows this down by about .00000001%). I’m so excited to get to work with you! Let’s grow this thing together so we can hire more of you wonders, etc. fun etc.!

And love always,

Jane

PS: Do you ever get an alert on your phone that your camera lens is dirty? I get it all the time and sometimes it not only admonishes me to “clean the camera lens” but even more helpfully, “clean front camera lens.” If this has ever or never happened to you, could you tell me that yes or no in the comments, please? I want to know if my daughter is right that no one besides me ever sees this.

I see this multiple times daily! Am I special or do you get it too? With bonus sunflowers, which Ani decided years ago are my flower and she is right!!

And now for something meaningful…. Thanks Bee!

Cancer Season can make us nostalgic. We find ourselves rereading old messages, revisiting familiar places, craving comfort foods, or remembering people who once felt like home. Sometimes it isn’t even about wanting the past back. It’s more about understanding it differently.

By The Zine Witch

“Do you believe in miracles?”

I remember stopping for a second in the foyer because it wasn’t the sort of thing I expected to hear in my building lobby that afternoon. A man had recently retired from our building after 40 years and she was filling in temporarily. I hadn’t really had much of a relationship with any of the door staff before. We would exchange pleasantries, talk about a package, maybe discuss the weather. That was about it.

I would later learn her name was Linda. She had curly hair and a warm, expressive light about her. The kind of presence that makes you pay attention. The kind of person who walks into a room and somehow changes the energy into a dance party. A true lighthouse. Yes, Linda was a lighthouse.

I spend my days thinking about fate, timing, coincidence, and the strange ways people’s lives intersect. I spend my days listening to people’s stories and looking for patterns. Yet somehow I didn’t have an answer ready. Instead, I found myself carrying the question home with me. Do you believe in miracles? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had been asking myself that question for a long time.

I later learned, Linda became homeless after a devastating car accident in 2024 changed everything. Before the accident, she had stability. She had a food truck and a home. She had a future that made sense. Then one day everything changed. First, the accident, then the stolen food truck, then the loss of her home. Since then, she has spent nights sleeping in her car and other nights staying wherever she could while trying to rebuild her life with her son. She’d do anything to have a home again, her business. She works three jobs but remains homeless. Yet, she smiles.

The thing that struck me wasn’t her hardship. It was her generosity. She had every reason to be angry. Every reason to become cynical. Every reason to give up on people. Instead, she became one of the kindest and most joyful people I have ever met. We became instant friends. Gossiping, joking, and having deep conversations all day from 3 pm to 11:30 pm when she left. It felt like a sitcom as we both navigated the trials and tribulations of an ever-revolving cast of characters who live and work in the building. We were an unlikely duo. She, a devout Christian black woman who had never heard Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” before we met. Me, a Jewish, autistic witch heathen. We both carry a certain talk show host energy but we never compete for who has the best joke. We somehow balance each other out while still leaving room for the other to be herself. We have very little in common, but somehow, we make it work.

“A study found autistic people die significantly younger than the general population: 36. This is due to the suicide rate, not illness. I’m surprised it’s not younger.”

The timing of our friendship matters to this story. She started calling me her daughter. Later, I learned that her own daughter had the same unit number in her own building that I do. We FaceTimed and her daughter cried and said that she always wanted a sister. A miracle.

But here is mine. For years, I have been dealing with Tony, a maintenance worker in my building. I repeatedly told management that I felt unsafe around him. Other women in the building also expressed concerns. Many have notes asking him never to enter their apartments. Still, the situation dragged on for years. His menacing has gotten worse over time.

Tony moves through the hallways like a man who believes the walls belong to him. There is something heavy about him, something that made the air smell like a whoppie cushion after he passes. You know, half plastic, half rotten egg. Not a storm exactly — storms at least announce themselves — but the slow gathering pressure before one. He carried himself with the confidence of someone accustomed to taking up space, as if other people’s discomfort were merely furniture to be stepped around. You could feel him before you saw him. Linda sure did. Serial killer vibes. He hates women and has no qualms about sharing that with the residents of this building and his fellow staff members. “He’s an asshole,” they say. “Just ignore him.”

Tony not doing his job. Not pictured: Tony. He was probably off worshiping Andrew Tate or whatever.

But it’s hard to ignore a man who makes fists at you. That belittles women regularly and expects you to agree with him. That pushed Linda as she sat in a chair. Some of Tony’s best thoughts: women don’t have big enough brain cells to fix things. Our job is to be at home having a family, and unless we are doing that, we have absolutely no value. His 17-year-old daughter needs to get a job or no one’s going to take her seriously. He even bragged about abusing his late grandma to multiple people in the building.

One day, after I reported comments Tony had made about women having no value if they chose not to have children, he cornered and intimidated me in the elevator. It felt retaliatory. The building manager reviewed the security footage and was able to see the incident for himself. I remember thinking that, for the first time, someone might finally understand what I had been trying to explain. That I wasn’t too sensitive. This man felt like a true psychopath.

But no apology was made. No accountability from management. And nothing changed. I was left feeling trapped.

Home is supposed to be where you feel safest. I study men’s violence for a living, and I know how this tends to escalate. I’m legitimately scared every day that I will be murdered by this man when he just snaps. I deserve to be safe. But instead, I find myself constantly scanning my environment. Wondering who was in the hallway. Wondering who was in the elevator. Avoiding doing my laundry so I didn’t have to see him. Wondering if today would be another day where I would be expected to tolerate something that made me feel unsafe. I began cutting myself for the first time since high school. I wanted to die every day. Even when I asked for the condo president’s information so I could bring it to a meeting, the property manager never responded.

When building management fails, a hex can sometimes bring a strong sense of justice. In this jar lies Tony, along with the neighbor next door who helped fuel the drama surrounding Linda. At one point, it felt very much like an attempt to make Linda look irrational or unstable. Gotta love narcissists. Triangulation is one of their favorite tools: get other people involved, create confusion, and hope nobody notices what’s really happening. The problem is, I did notice. So did my guides.

There is another layer to this story. I am autistic and I have CPTSD. When I tried to explain to my landlord (who is also my brother-in-law) why this situation was affecting me so deeply, I was told I was “too sensitive.” I have heard those words my entire life.

The truth is that my family has never shown much interest in understanding autism, ADHD, and CPSTD. They have never shown much interest in understanding trauma. They have never shown much interest in understanding what it is like to live in my body. That is a much longer story and probably an article of its own.

A few years ago, I read an article about a study that found autistic people die significantly younger than the general population. One number stayed with me: 36. Frankly, I was amazed it wasn’t lower. This is due to the suicide rate, not illness.

I think about the bullying we go through. The isolation. The poverty. The willful ignorance from Neurotypicals which creates misunderstanding. The constant pressure to adapt to environments that were never built for us. I think about what happens when someone spends their entire life being told they are “too sensitive.” Every time I think about him, it feels like a demon is running through my body. Sometimes something does. It’s not me. A death metal voice that I have never heard before comes out of me, describing the millions of ways that I would murder him and decompose his body as sacrament.

I reenact the “Euphoria finale” with me in the role of Ali. The whole system is broken. I want to take them all out. I have no choice. Every night, soaking wet in my shower, I stand crying with my death metal growls dying from within. Gotta love CPTSD. This is my lived reality. I have no one fighting for me. No one. I have to fight for myself.

I think about what happens when people refuse to believe your reality because they do not experience it themselves. I cannot afford to move. I live on an astrologer’s salary and lost my food stamps due to new regulations. I’ve lost so much weight from barely being able to afford food some days. I have begged and pleaded for opportunities that could get me out of my situation. But here I am: I cannot leave. For years, I have been trying to heal in an environment where I do not feel safe. It’s a no-win situation. I feel so defeated.

“I wish I could tell you everything worked out neatly. I wish I could tell you all the problems had disappeared. They didn’t.”

Eventually, the weight of that became too much. About a year ago, I attempted suicide and spent a week in the hospital. When I came home, Tony was still there. The building was still there. The problems were still there. Nothing had changed.

That is, until Linda came along. Linda came into my life during one of its darkest periods. She listened and remembered things. She checked on me during my dental surgery when friends and family did not. She treated me like a person. There are friendships that take years to build, and then there are friendships that arrive exactly when they are needed.

Which brings me to Cancer season. Every year when the Sun moves into Cancer, astrologers start talking about home, family, roots, and belonging. This year, I keep thinking about safety. What makes us feel safe? Who makes us feel safe? What happens when family is not the place where we find shelter? What happens when safety comes from unexpected places? What happens when the person who helps you survive a difficult year is someone you never would have met if another person hadn’t retired from your building? Those are the questions I find myself sitting with this Cancer season.

For years, I have lived with grief, family estrangement, coercive control, trauma, and fear. Some days I feel terrified about the future. Some days I feel terrified about my personal safety. And yet I keep coming back to Linda’s question: “Do you believe in miracles?”

I recently learned that Linda’s contract was not renewed. Soon she will be leaving the building, removing the only bridge of safety I have felt in years. I wish I could tell you everything worked out neatly. I wish I could tell you I suddenly felt safe. I wish I could tell you all the problems had disappeared. They didn’t.

Linda’s last week brought me to tears. I bought a strawberry shortcake for us to enjoy as a consolation prize. The rest went to my guides, hoping that she will find her way back to me. But more importantly, I hope she finds another great job & a safe home to finally live in.

I’m heartbroken Linda is leaving. Tony is still here. My suicidal thoughts are creeping back in. I still can’t afford to move. I am still trying to build a life that feels safe. But I also know this — A woman who was carrying struggles of her own found the time and energy to help carry mine. Her contract may not have been renewed, and she may be leaving the building, but she will never leave my heart.

And maybe that is what a miracle is.

A person arriving exactly when you need them. A reminder that kindness still exists.

A reminder that you are not alone. A reminder that even in the middle of a difficult story, something beautiful can still walk through the door. Someone who sees your daily battle and understands its abuse. Someone who validates the abuse I went through for years with her own experiences with Tony. And perhaps that’s all I need to survive the future of my everyday reality. Until then, it’s back to my shell.

Best Days:

Best Day To Win a Fight: July 28

Best Day to Take a Gamble:…

To repeat, Best Day To Take A Gamble: July 29

Horoscopes

Just a reminder, I write for your rising sign, otherwise known as the Ascendant. This is the sign that was rising in the east when you were born. This tends to be more accurate if you know this particular placement in your chart. But if you don’t, feel free to read for your sun sign. You can pull a chart at Astro.com.

Aries & Aries Rising - The answer you’re looking for may be sitting much closer to home than you think. Joy is not a distraction from your path; it is the path, so say yes to what feels fun without needing to justify it. A friendship, group, or long-held dream reaches a turning point, bringing clarity about where you belong and who belongs with you. Pay attention to who claps when you win because the people who genuinely support you are becoming impossible to miss.

Taurus & Taurus Rising - The conversation you’ve been putting off may end up changing more than you expect. What you’re building behind the scenes deserves just as much attention as what everyone else can see. A career goal, public role, or long-term ambition reaches a turning point, bringing recognition, clarity, or a decision that can no longer be avoided. Trust that the small steps you’re taking every day are leading somewhere important.

Gemini & Gemini Rising - A trip, teaching, or personal quest you’ve been on begins to reach a meaningful crescendo. Something you’ve been studying, writing, discussing, or trying to understand finally starts to click into place, reminding you that your voice and ideas have real value. A belief you’ve outgrown may fall away, making room for a perspective that feels more honest and alive. The right conversation, book, journey, or opportunity could change both how you see the world and what you believe you’re capable of.

Cancer & Cancer Rising - People are noticing something different about you, even if you can’t quite put your finger on what has changed. Don’t be surprised if you’re reminded of your worth and asked to stop settling for less than you deserve. A situation involving home, family, or your living space reaches a turning point, bringing clarity about what truly feels secure. The more you invest in yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize what is genuinely valuable.

Leo & Leo Rising - Something you’ve been carrying quietly for a long time is ready to be set down. Trust the urge to spend a little more time listening to yourself before rushing into the next chapter. A relationship reaches a turning point, bringing clarity about where you stand and what you truly need from the people closest to you. The more honest you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to attract connections that meet you where you are.

Virgo & Virgo Rising - Not every opportunity needs an immediate answer, and not every battle deserves your energy. The right people are quietly finding their way toward you, even if things feel uncertain right now. A work, health, or daily-life situation reaches a point of clarity, making it easier to see what is helping and what is simply taking up space. Trust the doors that open gently and the commitments that leave you feeling lighter, not heavier.

Libra & Libra Rising - The right people can change the course of your life, and you’re being reminded of that now. A friendship, community, audience, or shared dream is gaining momentum, opening doors that would be difficult to open alone. A creative project, romance, or matter involving a child may reach an important milestone, bringing a moment of pride, clarity, or celebration. Don’t underestimate the power of one invitation, one connection, or one person who believes in what you’re building. That’s your miracle this month.

Scorpio & Scorpio Rising - This is a big month for thinking about where you’re headed and who you’re headed there with. A lot of your attention is being pulled toward long-term goals, your reputation, and the communities, friendships, or networks that support your future. You may find yourself having important conversations about plans, collaborations, or opportunities that help you see the bigger picture. At the same time, something is coming to a head at home. A family matter, living situation, or emotional issue you’ve been carrying quietly may finally need your attention. The balance this month is between building the life you want in public and making sure your private life feels secure enough to support it.

Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising - This month may have you thinking deeply about what you believe, where you’re headed, and what needs to change for you to grow. You could find yourself drawn to learning something new, planning a trip, exploring a spiritual practice, or questioning old assumptions that no longer fit. At the same time, there may be conversations that bring an important realization or decision to the surface. News, paperwork, writing projects, or discussions with siblings, neighbors, or close friends could reach a turning point. The bigger theme is finding the courage to look beneath the surface while also widening your perspective. Sometimes the answer arrives not through certainty, but through a conversation that changes the way you see the world. That’s your miracle this month.

Capricorn & Capricorn Rising - This month puts a spotlight on your closest relationships and the agreements you make with other people. You may be spending more time thinking about partnership, trust, support, and what you’re willing to share emotionally, financially, or energetically. At the same time, a money matter or a question of self-worth could reach a climax. You might finally see where you’re undervaluing yourself, charging too little, giving too much, or holding onto something that no longer feels secure. The lesson here is that healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. As you become clearer about what you deserve, the people around you will have a better understanding of how to meet you there.

Aquarius & Aquarius Rising - What’s feeling like it’s ready to be released? The person you are becoming is ready to introduce themselves to the world this month. A version of you that once waited for permission no longer needs it. Let it rip. Don’t be afraid to let your strange ideas, unusual dreams, and authentic voice lead the way. The right people will recognize you when you stop trying to be recognizable to everyone. A door opens the moment you stop knocking and simply walk through it.

Pisces & Pisces Rising - You don’t need to keep every promise you made to an older version of yourself. This month, something may naturally drift away, creating space where there once was obligation. Let what is leaving leave. The future has a way of finding people who are willing to travel lighter. You may need a little extra time alone to hear your own thoughts above the noise. Solitude is not the same thing as loneliness; sometimes it is where clarity finally catches up to you.

And please use this comment section to get all your hyper specific free great advice from Bee, as I do!